My 2007 Year End Blog

Since I've changed blog locations I thought I'd bring over my year end blog from 07.

2007 is drawing to a close... just one more day after this.... and I looked back at my goals on the eve of 2006... the year that was supposed to change everything.... and then the updated version from the eve of 2007....

How far I've come...

Time, space, love, heartache, friends, bridges, and love again....

Time measured in moments as well as years. Days when I had only hope to sustain me. Years spent growing, loving, dreaming.... losing. Moments of fear, joy, freedom, loss, salvation....

Space from the stars at night that I look to for solace - to the bits of time that separate all things. Space to grieve and space to grow. Space for hope to die and hope to grow again.

Heartache... does that need any explaination?

Friends! One I've known since I was a 13 year old, who has stayed in my life through anything and everything... who saved me not once but twice and gives me so much to be thankful for. It's some 20+ years later and the door is always open - sometimes I'm just too terrified to knock. Still it does not matter she is as aways... the best person I'll ever know. Love ya Nolie!

Other friends more recently saved me... two or is it three in particular who in 2006 were pillars I could cling to... when there was heartache and fear, when dispair that threatend to overcome me. They gave so much to learn from. They put me back together - held me together when I could not seem to find hope. They gave me hope and safe haven, then set me on a journey... to cross a bridge. Sean, Steven, Anthony... you guys are the best!

Newer to my heart is yet another best friend... how can I be so lucky to have so many friends that I love so dearly.... Me... the one no one wanted - has so much. In 2007 I found that a chance email from the year before has brought me a lifetime of tomorrows to spend with the writer. You are loved Matthew.

Bridges.... built, burned, crossed....

Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it.

This used to be written on my mirror to remind me that it was okay to cry... but that in the end I had to cross the bridge and find hope again. I definitely cried the river... and the bridge was there for me... I crossed it alone as I should have... I traveled some 2000 miles alone to cross that bridge and find that there was life on the other side.

It gave me strength as 2007 has had some ups and downs... wonderful moments, the best birthday of my life and some crazy moments... a new job that I love and the journey continues.

Through everything I've been loved... in many different ways and even when I didn't think anyone loved me....

I have to stop a moment here because this just ran through my head...

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me. Think I'll go eat some worms.

Whoever came up with that song? It just derailed my train of thought and that's far too easy, you know?

All the same... I'm loved... and when the clock strikes midnight tomorrow... I will know how far I've come... and that the journey hasn't ended...

Someone once told me ....'there will be sunsets over other oceans' sunrises as well I do not doubt.

For all the friends who have helped me get to where I am today - you are loved and I carry you in my heart as I make my way along this journey.

For the one who will travel beside me... it's been a long road here and I'm blessed and honored that you've chosen to venture forth with me.

Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart

All too true. I am old far sooner than I'd like to have found myself being and not near as smart as I wish I was.

Life is choices though. Sometimes they are far too easy and other times oh so difficult. In the end you've made them. Good. Bad. Done.

Sometimes I wonder how I found myself here. Not because I think here is a good place or a bad place. It's just here. Again though, I must wonder... which choices, which turns sent me here. Does it seem to be somewhere I want to stay? If I make the easy choices, where will I be next? Not choosing is not truly an option you know. Not choosing the choices get made for you and you will drift where they take you anyway. Making the difficult choices - those sometimes are best ones I've ever made. Faced fear more times than once and was damned proud of where they took me.

I've looked back at the close of every year. Tried to learn from my mistakes, tried to hold onto the really good stuff and let go of what I cannot change.

Cried my rivers, built my bridges, crossed them and when necessary - burnt them once I was back on dry land. I'm stronger for the efforts each time. I still think that I should get a year off every once in a while - who needs to be this strong anyway?

This year - so much good, some not so good, some things I can't honestly tell you are good or bad because I just don't know yet.

I'm still thinking. I'm still reflecting. I am not quite ready for this year to end. I cannot make time stand still though, so I will take the next few days and sort it all out.

~E

So it's the eve of Christmas Eve...

I'm at a loss this year... This is not a happy holiday blog.... but it's what I feel and where I'm at, eh?

In years past I spent Christmas Eve at Nolie's with the kids. This year I'm not sure if she's hosting and I am afraid to even ask. It's an odd feeling - to know that you've been blessed more than you deserve - and the people you love have suffered tragedy. I cannot trade my son for hers and I cannot give her what she's lost. I don't know how to take Zachy to see Aunt Nolie and not feel that I'm breaking her heart all over again.

and then... if we needed more drama for the holidays...

We went to Matthew's parents on Sunday. I do not think we shall return there anytime soon, if ever. I could understand some things - and I want to understand this... I don't though. They never needed to give me anything. They can buy their son anything they like for Christmas. Except his self esteem is not for sale. His sense of accomplishment wasn't offered up to the highest bidder. He said no. Quietly. Politely. No. Listen, they did not. Respect his wishes, why? So they gave their 'joint gift' that was only for him and he was hurt beyond words.

Everyone has goals I would hope. Achieving those goals is what gives us faith in our own abilities and our own strength. Each goal I've set out to accomplish - and then met - has enabled me to keep trying when I've not achieved the next goal. The milestones of my life are what I look back on for hope and fill me with some sense that I'm okay. I'm not what my parents hoped for... I've made hundreds of mistakes, but at the end of it all - I've persevered and I've met many goals. I'm not done yet.

He was just beginning. He was finding his way back from a low point where he'd tried and failed and had found his way back in the direction of his dreams. He's back in college - his bachelors degree will be finished this time. His goal. He will earn it. No one can take that from him. He was finding independence as a man with a family and newborn.

His parents have not thought, realized, or what ever it is you do when you see your child as an adult and recognize they are now living their own lives. Standing tall on the two feet god gave them and working to achieve their dreams. He ask them to let him do this, on his own. They wanted to 'help'. These same people who last year berated him for all they'd done for him and he didn't want to watch their dog while they were on vacation. They clearly do not give anything without expecting something in return. Some people are like that. Usually though, a person can decline when the terms stop just shy of their soul. Not with them. Nope. They know how to go behind your back, force your hand, and then all you can do is wait for them to collect. He's not waiting this time for them to collect. He's just burning the bridge that spans between. Another heartbreak I can't change.

We have what we have. No more. No less. We make our own way. Yes, I pay the bills and he doesn't. He's taking time off to be a full time dad to our son. (The love and care he will be providing is worth millions if you ask me). It works for us and we know what we are doing.

Our decisions for our family do leave us with limited cash for Christmas. We will not be giving the kids a new gaming system, there's no big screen tv to set out... There's the usual clothes they always need, and a 'fun' gift each. Not a lot, but something. It's more than I got growing up but a whole lot less than the commercials suggest I should be giving. We enjoy a warm, safe home, food, and more. There are far too many families who have much less than we do. Maybe when the tax return comes in, or I get my bonus, we'll do more, maybe we'll just find ourselves closer to debt free... That wouldn't be a bad thing.

So I've got to go find the spirit of Christmas 2008 and get the show on the road.

Zachary at 2 Months

It's hard to believe he's two months old already. He's grown so much in such a short time. He's smiling and giggling now. Such a sweetheart. He's not sleeping through the night or anything yet, but that's just extra time I get to spend with him anyway. Sleep might be tempting - but Zach is much more so.

It's my first week back in the office, second week back to work. I miss the days with the little guy. I'm looking forward to some down time during the holidays so I can snuggle with him and spend time with the family.

One flawed individual...

Yes, I am. And while I've invested my life trying to mend my flaws, I've come to accept that some will always remain.

I'm my own worst enemy... but then again your enemies know you best now don't they? I know me better than I did 10 years ago. Hours, days, months of soul searching and I can say confidently... I know who I am, I know I'm flawed, I know who I wanted to be, I know... Me.

I try to hard. Even when I know the situation is hopeless. I seldom give up whether things are going to turn around or not. This applies to much in my life... family of course, and jobs, classes, I don't want to fail, it's that simple. I never want to add failure to my list of flaws. But there are times when I'm just not going to succeed and I dislike the sensation. I will always do my best and sometimes my best just isn't going to be good enough. Maybe a lot of sometimes. I try to be what is needed and set aside what I need until I'm alone and then it's just too late for me.

I want too much. Not in the materialistic sense, no. I've got more than I need, more than I deserve, and more than too many others. Still, I want sunshine, rainbows, happiness, joy abounding and people... lots of people genuinely happy. I want a world where good things happen. I want a few less days where I can only tell my self - Something worse just happened to someone better, somewhere. I want my family to have what they need. All my family. Even the ones who seem bent on self destruction or at the very least can't seem to find their way in this world. I want to give the world something back for all that I have. I want, damn it, I WANT like a little kid to know that it will all be okay tomorrow. Life doesn't work that way though and what sucked today isn't going to suddenly be better tomorrow. It will still suck, it will just be old news.

I forget. The advice that I know is right... The sage words found here and there and sometimes given to me by wonderful people - against my will. Three quotes come to mind and they tell me I own my feelings. The feelings I have in response to life, the feelings I have right now, and the feelings I will undoubtedly have later - I own them. I may write of them one day, but for now the quotes are simple. 1.) "the minute you settle for less than you deserve, you will have less than you settled for. 2.) "You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." 3.) "Happiness is not the absence of pain".

I'm human. I want to be too! So I'm not perfect, I'll never be perfect and trying to be is an exhaustive and pointless endeavor that I need to let go of. (see above on any hope there).

More flaws - I'm cynical, sarcastic and many of my actions are completely unacceptable too. (I disagree on the cynical and unacceptable parts but that's a whole other blog from long ago when this was in fact put into writing and given to me as an employment evaluation. Sarcastic I'll own up to but I've learned to reign it in when it's inappropriate.

I'm not all that smart, I keep making the same mistakes - many times over, and I am always going over think. I was never anyone's first choice and likely not their second. I am still here though. Brownie points for survival I'm told I'm good at it.

I'll try again tomorrow.

New munchkin photo!

Change...

It's the 5th of November 2008. In my head I hear the chant to remember the 5th of November... Guy Fawkes Day and the movie - V for Vendetta.

It's the day following what is likely to be the most monumental election of my lifetime. We've chosen a new president and nothing will ever be quite the same. As I think of the world I want my children to live in, I hope for great things.

For once I fell asleep early - not like years past when I stayed up all night waiting for a new president. I've always listened to the acceptance speeches. The Gore/Bush election year left me a zombie the next day. I had thought if I went to sleep I'd miss something. Last night I handed the little guy off to his dad after McCain's speech and got the first two consecutive hours sleep I've had since Saturday. Matthew did try to wake me for Obama's speech - and I apparently told him "it will be on the internet tomorrow", and kept on sleeping.

I'm inspired by the first time voters of yesterday also and I don't want to forget that. Record numbers of 18-25 year olds voted , in a year where there were also record waits. For a generation that was cultured to expect instant gratification, waiting two or three hours just to cast a vote is something. And when the president elect tells them not just after the election, but before the votes are cast - that change will take time and will take work - and they still voted - that gives me great hope.

I am happy to have finally gotten sleep too. That's another post if I can find time later.

Zachary's 1st Halloween

Two weeks

Time passes all too quickly anymore. This day, the last two weeks... seem to be gone in the blink of an eye... before I know it, my maternity leave will be over and I'll have to go back to work. I love my job, need my income, but lord I wish I could stay home for a while with my son. Six months... a year... but alas, there's bills to pay and I'm the payer.

Now about the son... Zachary went in to see his pedi yesterday. He's gained some weight and she said he looks great. He was good for and didn't cry too much. There was a bit when we took all his clothes away for the weight measurement and again when Dr. J checked his hips.

I saw my Doctor also... I've lost a tiny bit of weight and the doc asked me how I'm doing. (my answer is not too bad... little sleep deprived, still got some twinges of pain, - you know, standard for two weeks post c/s with a healthy newborn).

Honestly though... I'm more than tired and there's occasionally more than a twinge of pain. It just sounds whiny to say and I'd likely get the "well you just had major surgery" talk, so what's the point. I still want a new doctor. He's done nothing to redeem himself I'm sorry to say.

I don't know that I'd miss the sleep at night so much if I could nap during the day with the little guy. Not possible right now, but maybe next week? We'll work on a schedule then too.

I'm holding my own with the laundry and the dishes, and while the house has a definite 'lived in' look, it's not terrible. I would love to mop the floors, but hey... that's just me.

The little man calls...

One week....

It's been a week now since the little guy made his debut. This photo is from his second day... and it's taken me this long to post it. (new babies have a way about making time pass in the blink of an eye.)

He's still not on a distinguishable sleeping or eating schedule. It's a bit tricky when planning a doctor's visit or any outing at all. It's not like you can make a nursing baby eat before they leave the house. It's not like I can produce milk on any schedule he doesn't set. This makes it interesting when one day he wants to eat every two hours and the next day he wants to eat every 3 to 3 1/2 hours. Ahhhhh fun times...

All in all though he is such a good baby. He's a bit more alert than I'd expect a newborn to be though. So... I'm drinking decaf and wondering what else I can avoid to help him sleep. Mind you, even when he is awake for hours he's happy.

He's been to see his pediatrician once so far and will return on Thursday for a weight check. He's not showing any signs of jaundice, got a good review and we are in agreement for his shot schedule at this point.

Heartache again...

After everything...

The drama and the heartache return.

I'd done all that I could do, sacrificed myself to heal the rift between a mother and her son, and while it wasn't perfect, things between them were really good. Now though, the barely built bridge is in flames and I never saw it coming.

He's Here!!!!

Safe and sound, Zachary is here. Ten fingers, ten toes, good bit of hair, beautiful little guy. Of course I'm biased so I offer a photo to convince you.

October 17, 2008 at 8:03 a.m.

7 lbs 10 oz, 20 in long

October 17th

The midnight hour has arrived. I'm not even allowed water now until after Zachary is born... In just 5 hours I need to leave for the hospital...

This is a big day.

I'm supposed to be excited. Somehow the idea of surgery isn't that exciting. I will be incapacitated and have half a dozen people wandering obliviously around me when I'm not even able to sit up, nope can't say that I'm thrilled at the prospect.

Meeting Zachary is wonderful to think about. The rest of it... not so much.

I'm hoping that the level of drama is not what I fear it will be.

Please let this be a good day. Let me have some time with my son before it's gets hectic and the world's expectations come crashing through.

Maybe I'll get to update this later today with good news.

Here's hoping.

Seriously

If you gave me a dilemma and said 'WWYD?' I could answer from at least 5 of the six perspectives. I'm a very direct minded person. I just cannot for the life of me come up with some random, fictitious ethical dilemma. It's just a bit frustrating.

I've gone so far as googling "Ethical Dilemmas in Business Essay Suggestions". I get hundreds of offers to sell me such a paper, but no suggested topics.

/sigh/

My next class is another programming class. I'm not a programmer. I do not enjoy it, I am no good at it, I am just not a programmer. We all have strengths and weaknesses... System design, hardware, bussiness use of technology - those are my strengths. Do they make a degree for such things? No. Only a programming focused program that will give me and IS/IT degree is available and thus, here I am.

This is not getting my paper written... but it's better than solitaire.

Another day...

Well... I'm supposed to be writing. I'm supposed to be expounding on an ethical dilemma. I have no dilemma except what in the heck I'm supposed to be writing about.

Once I identify the dilemma I get to analyze it from six different perspectives. (Utility, Justice, Rights, Caring, Virtue and Christianity). Then I need a powerpoint presentation to go with it. Whoo hoo!!!! Yeah, sarcasm is not in the list, but I've got plenty to share so why not?

Oh, because it's my final for Ethics and it matters. I present Thursday night so I'm on a tight time line.

Arrggghhhhh.... how ethical is a paper analyzing a made up dilemma? Procrastinating is getting me now where is it????
_____________________________________________
Okay for the rest of my life...

Matthew started working on the yard out front. I'm still not finished in the house. I've just got to deal with the noise and start up the compressor and hook up the nail guns.

Zachary seems to still be growing. I've never outgrown maternity clothes before. If it's not stretchy though it doesn't fit around the bump anymore. My first born was 9 lbs 2 oz, no small baby there and I do not think I was this big. Who knows, he could still be a tiny little guy.

I need a nap.

Enough?

Since every day can't be a wonderful day, it's no surprise that some days are just lousy. I think today qualifies. Maybe it's just a day when the world needs to wait for me to recharge before asking more.

It's been another long week and I've done what I could to make it a good week for those around me. I dug deep for patience and have asked for little if anything. Still at the end of it all - I'm not gifted with anyone's patience if I should need it.

It's not uncommon or unusual... I'm not unique... I am still just me and likely my own worst enemy becuase I don't know how to manage other people's demands far too often.

The Tour de Cure yesterday went well I think. It was a 12 hour day for me and I don't usually get more than 3 good hours so when I got home I needed rest in the worst way. The weather was kind and the location of the rest stop we volunteered at was rather serene. I'm glad we were able to do it.

I got a couple hours sleep anyway. I've done all the laundry in the house again and got the kitchen clean late last night. It's a few minutes up, few minutes down that allow me to stretch my energy... otherwise nothing would get done.

I've still got a lot to do today but I'm going to take it slow. I'm fighting leg cramps and general achiness.

Tomorrow is another day, eh?

Running out of time...

We are 12 days out... so just 11 days left to get more than that time is going to allow.

Today - I hope to get the last mowing of the year in, I might still wish I'd gotten the weed eating done, but I'm not putting it on the agenda for today.... it's just not possible.

I've not finished painting... and I've still got trim to install, more flooring to cut... and some furniture to assemble. We did get a whole lot done with the garage yesterday and I'm caught up on the laundry until tomorrow. We took a few hours this morning just to be us... I might be driven by insane hormones and mental weakness... but the dearest Husband needs some down time if he's going to completely get over bronchitis and he's still working every day so his weekends are precious.

The schedule ahead:

Monday (6th)through Wednesday(8th) it's work on homework, keep up the day to day and taxi service since our oldest's car is no more. Matthew's got a doctor's appointment Thursday (9th), I've got class that night, followed by my doctor's appointment on Friday (10th)... The ADA Tour de Cure is Saturday(11th), My dad will be here Sunday(12th).

We need to bring Zach's crib and swing home too. (Some things from the shower are still at Matthew's parents house). I should go ahead and get the mattress for the bigger crib while I'm at it. Maybe I'll order it online so it just gets delivered to the door and save myself the time and trouble.

The following week, I've got my 8 page ethics paper to write between Monday (13th) and Wednesday (15th) and prepare to present Thursday (16th)...

Baby to be here on Friday the 17th...

It's crazy and I know I'm not going to get it 'all' done... but I've got to give it my best shot.

Zach can derail the train anytime anyway.

If you see Matthew wandering the world with Einstein hair you know I've pushed him over the edge... feed him some coffee and keep him safe eh?

Thank goodness... this week is almost over.

It's been a l-o-n-g week. I'm tired. Not as tired as I was last night after class... but for just getting up two hours ago, I'm ready for everyone to leave for school and work. Sam ( my orange cat) and I can cuddle up here and do a whole lot of not much.

Yesterday's doctor visit with the nurse practitioner went okay, but I'm still disappointed with my doctor's office as a whole. After the little guy gets here, I'm not going back to a doctor who thought seeing me once in the last four weeks before a c-section was perfectly alright. I do not like that I had to complain and demand that they review my chart and make some other option available. The 'office manager' basically told me I did the right thing and I'm my best advocate - but at the end of the day - should I have to advocate to this level for care that I am paying to receive? It doesn't help to find out that if I had not made a big deal out of it they would have been forced to squeeze two visits into one week so that they met the minimum number of prenatal visits to get the full 4k fee. I helped them make more money... what that heck???

Okay, I'm letting it go for now. Two weeks from now the little guy will be here and none of it will matter anymore.

I've only got two more weeks of my Ethics class too. I've got a paper to start working on, two more chapters to read and a presentation to do the day before the c-section. You could say I like living on the edge... or that I can't seem to stop spreading myself too thin... but I've waited years to finish this degree and I'm not getting any younger. I didn't plan on a surgical delivery so there's my blind spot on this one.

This weekend is supposed to be busy but maybe, just maybe I'll have nursery photos when I'm done. There's a 'county clean-up' tomorrow that should give me back a chunk of garage space too. YEA!

Well, scratch that do nothing... got to go rescue the oldest boy with the bum car. urgh.....

Pondered thoughts....

I know what I need.

I know I have every right to have it.

I am not sure why I need to ask for it.

I expect it to go badly though, if I do say anything.

I've had a c-section before... unexpectedly. I remember not being able to sit up for hours and not getting to eat, not being allowed to sleep, no one thinking that it might be uncomfortable to try to heal with a room full of people chatting as if I were not trapped on my back with a catheter and iv tethering me in place. Not to mention the whole nursing my child with seven people watching my every move. Oh yes, good memories.

Do I really have to ask for a few hours to rest, the chance to hold my own son, and a bit of privacy immediately following a rather vulnerable medical procedure?

If I could send out an open letter...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day is nearing fast and we are so looking forward to Zachary's arrival. As you might imagine though, we are not looking forward to the surgery and recovery to follow. We have some experience to help us prepare for the times ahead. It's perhaps a common surgery and both of us were born by c-section, however it is still major surgery and the recovery is not as quick, nor as easy as natural delivery.

We know this day is eagerly awaited by more than just us and that leads us to this email. We understand that many of you might want to be there 'the minute' he's born and to hold him as soon as possible and get to know our new family member. Honestly we do too! The surgery complicates things.
We have no desire to hurt or offend, however we are asking that there be no visitors during the actual surgery, initial time in recovery, or during the first few hours while we are waiting for the anesthesia effects to pass.
Once Elizabeth is able to sit up a bit and hold Zachary herself, then we welcome your visits to the hospital. If we get an early OR time, we should be up to visitors by lunch or late lunchtime. We won't know for certain until the day and will let everyone know.
We will send out first photos and all the weight, length, finger, toe stats by text message and email as soon as we are moved to a postpartum room. If all goes well we'll try to fit in a few brief phone calls as well. Matthew has made arrangements to call both Grandparents in North Carolina in the hour that they take Zach to the nursery so that he can personally share the news with them.
Providing there are no complications, day two of our hospital stay should allow for longer visits.
One final note... no cameras please.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There would be huge fallout . Hurt feelings swirling all around b/c We don't understand this is a first baby on his side of the family. We should let them see Zach from the first moment and if I'm 4th or 5th in line to hold my own son... what's the big deal? They are only there to help so I can sleep. (I don't sleep in public, in a car, on a plane, in anyone's living room, never could even as a child).
Lastly I should let them take all the photos they want. If I've never seen the photos they took at our wedding, does it matter? If photos were taken of my daughter w/o anyone even telling me the day they were taken, it shouldn't make me uncomfortable. (the first time they ever interacted with her besides the wedding no less).
My physical and emotional needs are something less than everyone else's... again.

Someday maybe this too will make sense

I just wonder when someday is going to get here for the rest of the stuff I don't understand.

I'm tired anyway.

I'm tired of trying to understand. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of trying to do everything I know needs to be done. I'm tired of people not considering for two seconds that this is my life too. Eh... Who asked me?

Update for anyone still reading. The nursery is not done yet. The hall way is half painted. The other hallway, the office and the foyer are taking a beating storing stuff that needs to be put back into place or used to finish the remodeling. I need to paint... walls, trim, doors, shelves.

I've got two weeks, five days, and in between I've got homework, a term paper to write, and everything else to keep up. Oh wait, It's not that important. I've got all these people who can help and it's waited this long, what's a few more months, right?

Yeah... right.

Life ...

When I started this blog I mentioned my longest friendship... the most amazing friend... who had always wanted a baby. (blessed...)

Even as we struggled with the uncertainty of being able to have Zachary... I still knew that I had been blessed more times than I probably deserved, and that if anyone had so much to offer a new life it was Nolie.

Today, the most wonderful, amazing, day of all time I opened a letter from her...

After more than a decade of hoping, praying and trying... She's having a baby!!!!!!!!!!

Is there anything in the whole entire world a greater miracle and brighter blessing than a baby? If I had one wish this is what I would have wished for...

Life is so very good!

Time...

Time passes all too quickly some days. It doesn't help that I feel like I'm living on borrowed time. Technically I have 26 days... (27 days if you count the day of the c-section, but if it's not done the day before - it's not getting done, eh?)

The house is not ready yet... this is no big surprise and yet I'm shocked each day when I get up and start to plan what I will do with my few hours of energy. I seem to have about two or three really good hours and then I'm exhausted. It doesn't really matter what I do with my few hours though.

Thus far I'm keeping up with the daily stuff - laundry, dishes, munchkins, etc... but the Nursery is no further than it was a week ago. The rain finally moved out and the grass needs cut, the flowerbeds need weeded and a final end of the year edging would be nice.

I'm told "you've to how many boys there at home?" Let's review... The older ones don't do work that doesn't have a keyboard and trackpad and booting them off the network is ineffective. Then there's the creative environmentalist son who refuses to kill spiders or weeds so I'm not getting any help with the lawn there.

"Wait... aren't you married?" I married well for companionship, laughter, debate, hiking, walking, and bouncing technical expertise back and forth.... not so well for handyman, home mechanic, or contract labor. To give him the credit he deserves, He will try to help with anythying even with great trepidation. He cooks too, both in the kitchen and outdoors and if anyone want's to question it... Have him grill you a steak - and not me... ditto on salmon fillets or most any meat for that matter and the salad to go next to it. Leave the potatoes to me, they are my forte.

The net/net on the handyman jobs is we are working based on me and my "hey, I took shop in high school" attitude. That and my insane determination that NOW is the time to get all the little projects done with those few hours each day. Ever met a pregnant women? The do not often funtion logically in the normal sense of the word. I've got some logic to my madness... after the surgery I'm out of commission for weeks... so I can't plan on getting this stuff done later.

Matthew has great skills... they just don't include power tools. Even building a workstation or server he's not looking for a motorized screwdriver. I think the only time he wants power is in his car. :-)

Speaking of the mini-bubba-mobile, guess where he tried out installing the little guy's car seat???? Um yeah, he's got a 5 speed manual transmission, sport package with extra hp, wind foiled, dark metalic blue Toyota... with the cutest sage and tan baby seat nestled in the center of the back seat.

The clock is ticking... so off I go.

Looking Forward...

As usual I've begun my Sunday Morning with Post Secret. It always makes me reflect on my own life and wonder.

This past week has been a bit difficult for me in all honesty. I had issues with my doctor's office, work, school all culminating with trying to study for my .Net final, finding out I had to repeat a lab test that takes a full day, the receptionist at the clinic LOST my leave paperwork (with my name, address, social, work info, health info, etc). It was just too much to manage on Thursday.

The week ended on a better note and that's good.

No progress on the baby's room, no progress on much of anything... but my leave starts tomorrow and I begin a new class, Business Ethics, on Thursday. Anything but programming. (except that kicks back in the week after the munchie).

Walking on Saturday Mornings

This has been a good year for me and walking.... In April, we did the Susan G. Komen Race for the cure - we were 5k walkers and I was 12 weeks or so pregnant. (though not sure I was ... long story - feared miscarriage and all) In May we did the MS Walk (not sure the distance and we had an appointment to make for certain on the baby) Today - We drove to the University of Arkansas - Fayetteville campus for the 8th annual JDRF walk with the NWA chapter. I'm officially 35 weeks now.

When we were leaving home it was raining and looked like they might have had to move the event into the Arena, but by the time we got there - it was overcast but dry. It was a bit humid but there was an awesome breeze at times too.

Normally a 5k walk is well... a walk in the park for me. These days I'm tired a whole lot sooner and the walk used my entire day's supply of energy. I'd not have missed it for the world all the same.

Since it was JDRF there were children and babies and families all around. Some kids had HUGE teams. While it was sobering to see how many families are touched by Type 1 Diabetes, it was humbling to see 3 and I would wager at least one 4 generation family walking together. After the walk we got some grilled hot dogs, fished for cold water and toured the vendor tents and watched a lot of little kids playing in the inflatables.

Matthew even got the cable and software for his meter that he's been talking about ordering online for a over a year. (for anyone who has to measure vitals half a dozen times a day - having an automated system for charting is a cool thing). Maybe he will make his endocrinologist proud yet. :-)

We won't likely make the ADA walk due to it being the Saturday before the little guy gets here, but there's always next year. 2009 should be a good year to learn how to walk 5k with a stroller or baby backpack.

40 days, too much left to do

So think Noah and the flood... by the time the animals get to leave the Ark... the mini-munchie will be here.

And of course all that I can think is, I've got so much to do first!!!! I have painting to finish and floors to re-do, I'm not done. Working with a budget I need more time...

Progress?

Well the floor is 2/3 of the way done. It's going to take a trip to the hardware store tomorrow and maybe wally world... but I can still finish it this weekend. I've got to say... laying laminate flooring is WORK. My knees and my fingers hurt. :-( Little guy though is getting a bit crabby with me doing so much. Unfortunately we figured out that I'm the only one who can lay this stuff though. I'm not looking forward to laying it in two more bedrooms and a hall way. I will try to get the hall done before the c-section and let the rest wait till I recover. I think I'll still get the paining done in all three bedrooms. I think even just getting the rooms painted will make a difference.

The flower beds though... will be waiting for spring at this rate. There's just not enough spare time, not enough energy. I tried to enlist help but it's a lot of work that doesn't pay.

My programming homework has been ignored all weekend too and I've got to work on it sometime today/tomorrow. There's only two weeks left till my final.

Tuesday is back to work, Friday back to the doctor... Time is passing faster than I can keep up. Good thing babies really don't care what's done and what isn't. They just want to be fed, kept clean, dry, warm, safe and loved. I know I've got that covered.

Happy weekend!!!!

The grass is finally mowed. (still looks like it's going to rain any minute too). In all honesty it's been put off due to weather for the last um... three, maybe four weeks. It was looking a bit more than rough. It's much better now. The flower beds still need weeding but they can wait, yes?

And the big news... We have a miter saw!!!!!!!! :-) It's shiny new with a nifty dual laser guide and molding guide... but the most important thing - it will cut the laminate like... butter (think Barbara Striesand saying 'butter' or Mike Myers :-D ).

So the grass might sit for weeks on end, but my baby's floor should be done this weekend!!! Can you tell I'm excited?

Nursery/House Update

Walls... I did it. I went back to the store and got a different shade of green... It's mostly painted now and I'm glad I did it. I still need to paint the trim and the doors, do a bit of touch-up and that sort of thing, but overall I'm very happy with it. The border is not really mounted yet - painter's tape is a beautiful thing. It's the general idea though.

Floors... I did get the flooring purchased, at least for the nursery. I still need to get more for the hallway and the other two bedrooms.


I am in market for a saw now. I found one I think will just do the trick for both the flooring and the trim and future projects as well. I have a table saw that I've got my eye on as well, however this is more what I need for this particular project and the table saw would be for the next one. We'll have to see what the budget allows though.

I've got to put the remodel on hold for the day though and focus on programming homework. I'd rather be painting.

Nursery Progress Report

Well... in typical ' me' fashion, I'm working on the nursery. I've pulled up the carpet, the carpet pad, tack strips, and baseboard. I am now sitting for a bit. Just while quite literally the dust settles. :-)

I painted a swatch on one wall of the two colors we are using. I love the blue. I'm on the fence on the green. It's just off from the green of his stroller, car seat, and swing... and not quite the color of his mini crib bedding. I guess you could say - it's right in between the two greens. How goofy is it that I want the color 'just right'? How wrong is it to go back to the store for new paint????

We bought his flooring this morning. My first Home Depot purchase. (I usually shop at Lowe's) but they do not carry this particular brand of flooring. I went in to 'look' and walked out with a lot less money in the bank. The funniest thing happened at the register though. I swiped my debit card, put in my pin and nothing. It kept rolling back to swipe card. Now I just got paid a few days ago and I knew there was money in there so I'm looking at the evil little card in my hand that won't let me buy my baby's new floor and what do you know - it's not my card. I looked over at Matthew, gave him the evil eye and asked "can I have my debit card back now?" He looked at me funny and then looked at the debit card I was holding out for exchange and he starts patting his pockets. Once I had my card, all was good and we were off to Wally World for a few things before heading home.

He's off with my Jeep to run a few more errands. I hope to have everything ready to begin painting before he gets back. Pending breathable air of course.

Photos of my progress to come... if you are patient... and I get something accomplished that I manage to photograph. So no real promises or anything, just babble it seems.

Baby News

We've got a delivery date in October now. It will be a Friday :-) It's one day before the U/S due date and 9 days before the LMP due date... all for the sake of school. I'll take one final the day before he's supposed to be born and a week later I start a web programming class. If he decides to arrive earlier than that - it's entirely up to him and school will need to work around it.

His crib is all assembled for whenever he does arrive. He's got a little one for when he first comes home - that's in our room. His full size crib is at his grandma's for now. Matthew put it together the night before the baby shower and it's just beautiful. His great-grandparents went in together to get it for him. We ordered the matching changing table yesterday. I'd meant to get it local, but the best laid plans and all that.... We do still need to pick out a mattress for the full size crib. I think I've got it covered. :-)

It's probably considered taboo for us to have had a shower for the baby, but there were a million factors in play and I will not feel guilty for not adhering to some etiquette rule, long out dated, and not really the be all or end all of life. I'd never had one before and it was the most wonderful afternoon.

We should begin painting next weekend. I'd have preferred this weekend, but there's a lot going on already. I've about driven Matthew crazy with color swatches and what-if's. I know he'll be glad when it's all done. We will start with the nursery, but continue on from their to get the other two bedrooms on that side of the house.... and hey, while we're at it, we'll paint the hallway and the family bath. Eventually there's colors chosen for the living room and the dining room (currently being used as an office). Then if we can fit it in the budget... replacing the carpet. Finger's crossed and high-hopes. I don't think the little guy's going to notice the floor for a few months any way.

So I'm thinking...

...and that can be dangerous.

We are supposed to choose the baby's birthday next doctor's visit. I'm not sure about this. There's a couple thoughts running through my head.

First - my doctor has gotten on my last pregnant nerve. We had our ultrasound June 12th, waited until July 3rd for a review and we got... 'looks normal'.

Nice... um, details please. Baby measured bigger than expected... knew that from the u/s I saw it on the screen. Doc glossed over and had to be prompted to read it chart again. Would he tell us approximately how big the baby was the day of the u/s? No. I didn't get so much as placenta is high, low, good place... no mention of good amniotic fluid level. Just.... everything looks normal.

Hi... remember me? I'm the patient paying 4k for prenatal care. Could I have some care please? He's not the attentive doctor he was some 12 years ago or even the same as what I saw two years ago.

Then he says, we'll schedule the delivery next visit, but remind him because he might forget. (What, can't write it in the chart?) If I don't remind him will they tell me I can't have the little guy because the doc's schedule is full?

So now, I'm thinking.

And you know, I could pick a date that is 'open on the doc's calendar' and the little guy could choose his own birthday.... like normal babies. hmmmmm?

Week 24 and we are so very blessed.

Goodness it's July already... and we are at 24 weeks. It's basically the threshold for viability among other things. The fears of losing the baby you've never even met are lessened, though not completely gone. Surviving premature delivery is possible from here forward.

I'm set to go back to the doctor today. I'm hoping for a review of the ultrasound from June and a schedule for the next batch of tests. I really wish we had a set schedule for the rest of my doctor visits but who asked me?

The little guy seems to move around a lot these days and he's pretty picky about what I can eat or do without irritating him. He's got a personality already.

Every day I realize just how lucky we are.

First because we can even have a baby, then because he's still inside. Infertility and premature delivery seem to be all too common. I read two blogs daily that remind me... every moment pregnant is precious and I'm not in a rush to be done with it any time soon.

Beyond that... the best friend I've ever had, who's been there for me through thick and thin for the last 24 years, who was matron of honor at my wedding, and the most amazing person I know... has wanted a baby for years. She's been married for 15+ years and still no little person has brightened her life. She is a person who holds more love in her heart than you can imagine. I'm always humbled when I think about what she would do for anyone and especially the people in her life... family and friends are dear and none of us have any doubt about it.

She mentioned I am quite the 'fertile myrtle' the other day and I thought to the three miscarriages I've had between the four munchkins already here and the baby due in just a few months... I suppose I am rather fertile, not always successful at carrying to term, but definitely fertile.

This baby will be the last of course. I don't think I could manage this again even if I wanted to. Just getting to week 24 is stressful and my age being what it is... we know we've been blessed and we have enough...

Those who would say we have too many - please keep it to your self unless you have none and have tried.

If you are or have dealt with infertility - please feel free to rant and rave at me all day. I too think it's not fair and I understand as much as I can... and then rant at me for not being able to understand what you've gone through not even being able to conceive.

What was I thinking????

I enrolled in an accelerated degree completion program nearly two years ago. I was supposed to start classes in October of 2006... it got postponed to April of 2007... and July 2007... then finally became reality in October of 2007. It' s a brick and mortar University and it took them a year to pull this cohort together. Go figure!

This is my third tour of duty. :-) Early in the 90's I was studying to be a Computer Science Engineer. I made it two years and then had to leave college to live in the real world. In 2000 I decided to start over at a Community College. In 2003 I graduated with an Associate of Science in Business Administration.

*** Yes, I did what the Engineering tee shirts always said... "If I don't make it as an Engineer, I can always graduate with a Business Admin degree***

Now I'm working to finish with a Bachelors of Science in Business Information Systems and wondering almost daily, What was I thinking??? I used to love college, now I'm trying to stay afloat, doing homework that makes no sense and wondering if I will make it one more year. July 2009 and I should be done if I survive.

The whole time I've been going to school this time, I've planned a wedding, I'm working on a nursery, and heaven only knows how I'm going to manage time off to have the mini-munchkin. Colleges do not have maternity leave in the first place, but this program doesn't stop for anything, not summer break, sure as heck not a baby. We have class every week of the year except 4 - Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, & 4th of July.

To add to the craziness... homework is assigned a week before each class starts, before you meet the instructor, right after you finish the final from one class, it's time to deep dive into the next completely unrelated topic. My head hurts from it all. Literally.

I'm trying to finish the final paper from my last class - revisions were to be done after the formal presentation the last night of class. At the same time I'm supposed to be reading for tomorrow night's class. I want a week off that I don't have to spend doing homework. I really do.

A Baby Story begins....

I'm just shy of six months pregnant... something in the neighborhood of 22 - 24 weeks but really more like 5 months... arggghhhh The little guy's been growing in there since February... how's that?

It's all complicated really. We were planning our wedding... it was stressful even though it shouldn't have been... anyway, a few weeks before our wedding. Go ahead, throw the rocks. It won't change a thing.

We were going to get married in October. We decided around Christmas to move it to March. Made all the arrangements to move our chapel reservation to March, get the atrium at our chosen hotel for the reception and had it all finalized in time to send out the invitations February 1st. Life was good... I'd moved mountains and I'd done it all by myself. :-) We'll leave the in-laws out of it for now. I can almost understand. Almost and it's a whole other post for another day.

Ah and then the drama...

Now we knew,honestly, knew at the time that it was possible... and yet at my age and with my history, we were more hopeful than fearful that one day we could have a baby. I was 'late' for the wedding, and thought, maybe??? Then it seemed I was just 'late' and hope went by the wayside. Then six weeks of uncertainty and what do you know... late again. Well hmmmm.... so we test, and test, and test, and everything comes up unclear but possible. Then cramps and bleeding again and my heart sinks. I've been there before. Still it's only intermittent. I want to hold onto the tiny bit of hope that has held on all this time. I wander my way to the internet and get all kinds of mixed messages. (yes, it's possible to have bleeding and cramping without miscarrying and it's hard to say it's uncommon from what I've read).

At any rate, off to the doctor's I go and YES we have a baby in there. The sixty-five thousand dollar question then was, 'how long has he been there?' More drama follows trying to get an appointment with Dr. A... my obgyn since 1995, I love my doctor, hate his clinic. We finally got to hear our son's heartbeat at something like 18-19 weeks.

Happiness - yes and no. I could be happy if I could be really quiet about it. We waited to break the news to the family. Well hello, how's- that work for happy. Dear Husband wanted to wait for the ultrasound and then finally tell everyone.

June 12 was our ultrasound. Yea!!!! I get to be happy. Just in time too b/c blind people can probably tell there's a baby in there now. (no offense to anyone sight impaired). Little guy is not shy, he's growing and I look very pregnant. And now I know I'm right about the dates. He's due in October and measuring two weeks ahead in overall size.

It's my birthday...

Please just let me enjoy the day.

It's best to begin...

At the beginning.

I've maintained a couple of blogs over the years, so offering up my random thoughts out here in the virtual world is not a new thing.

It's just time to begin again.