One flawed individual...

Yes, I am. And while I've invested my life trying to mend my flaws, I've come to accept that some will always remain.

I'm my own worst enemy... but then again your enemies know you best now don't they? I know me better than I did 10 years ago. Hours, days, months of soul searching and I can say confidently... I know who I am, I know I'm flawed, I know who I wanted to be, I know... Me.

I try to hard. Even when I know the situation is hopeless. I seldom give up whether things are going to turn around or not. This applies to much in my life... family of course, and jobs, classes, I don't want to fail, it's that simple. I never want to add failure to my list of flaws. But there are times when I'm just not going to succeed and I dislike the sensation. I will always do my best and sometimes my best just isn't going to be good enough. Maybe a lot of sometimes. I try to be what is needed and set aside what I need until I'm alone and then it's just too late for me.

I want too much. Not in the materialistic sense, no. I've got more than I need, more than I deserve, and more than too many others. Still, I want sunshine, rainbows, happiness, joy abounding and people... lots of people genuinely happy. I want a world where good things happen. I want a few less days where I can only tell my self - Something worse just happened to someone better, somewhere. I want my family to have what they need. All my family. Even the ones who seem bent on self destruction or at the very least can't seem to find their way in this world. I want to give the world something back for all that I have. I want, damn it, I WANT like a little kid to know that it will all be okay tomorrow. Life doesn't work that way though and what sucked today isn't going to suddenly be better tomorrow. It will still suck, it will just be old news.

I forget. The advice that I know is right... The sage words found here and there and sometimes given to me by wonderful people - against my will. Three quotes come to mind and they tell me I own my feelings. The feelings I have in response to life, the feelings I have right now, and the feelings I will undoubtedly have later - I own them. I may write of them one day, but for now the quotes are simple. 1.) "the minute you settle for less than you deserve, you will have less than you settled for. 2.) "You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." 3.) "Happiness is not the absence of pain".

I'm human. I want to be too! So I'm not perfect, I'll never be perfect and trying to be is an exhaustive and pointless endeavor that I need to let go of. (see above on any hope there).

More flaws - I'm cynical, sarcastic and many of my actions are completely unacceptable too. (I disagree on the cynical and unacceptable parts but that's a whole other blog from long ago when this was in fact put into writing and given to me as an employment evaluation. Sarcastic I'll own up to but I've learned to reign it in when it's inappropriate.

I'm not all that smart, I keep making the same mistakes - many times over, and I am always going over think. I was never anyone's first choice and likely not their second. I am still here though. Brownie points for survival I'm told I'm good at it.

I'll try again tomorrow.