October 17th

The midnight hour has arrived. I'm not even allowed water now until after Zachary is born... In just 5 hours I need to leave for the hospital...

This is a big day.

I'm supposed to be excited. Somehow the idea of surgery isn't that exciting. I will be incapacitated and have half a dozen people wandering obliviously around me when I'm not even able to sit up, nope can't say that I'm thrilled at the prospect.

Meeting Zachary is wonderful to think about. The rest of it... not so much.

I'm hoping that the level of drama is not what I fear it will be.

Please let this be a good day. Let me have some time with my son before it's gets hectic and the world's expectations come crashing through.

Maybe I'll get to update this later today with good news.

Here's hoping.

Seriously

If you gave me a dilemma and said 'WWYD?' I could answer from at least 5 of the six perspectives. I'm a very direct minded person. I just cannot for the life of me come up with some random, fictitious ethical dilemma. It's just a bit frustrating.

I've gone so far as googling "Ethical Dilemmas in Business Essay Suggestions". I get hundreds of offers to sell me such a paper, but no suggested topics.

/sigh/

My next class is another programming class. I'm not a programmer. I do not enjoy it, I am no good at it, I am just not a programmer. We all have strengths and weaknesses... System design, hardware, bussiness use of technology - those are my strengths. Do they make a degree for such things? No. Only a programming focused program that will give me and IS/IT degree is available and thus, here I am.

This is not getting my paper written... but it's better than solitaire.

Another day...

Well... I'm supposed to be writing. I'm supposed to be expounding on an ethical dilemma. I have no dilemma except what in the heck I'm supposed to be writing about.

Once I identify the dilemma I get to analyze it from six different perspectives. (Utility, Justice, Rights, Caring, Virtue and Christianity). Then I need a powerpoint presentation to go with it. Whoo hoo!!!! Yeah, sarcasm is not in the list, but I've got plenty to share so why not?

Oh, because it's my final for Ethics and it matters. I present Thursday night so I'm on a tight time line.

Arrggghhhhh.... how ethical is a paper analyzing a made up dilemma? Procrastinating is getting me now where is it????
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Okay for the rest of my life...

Matthew started working on the yard out front. I'm still not finished in the house. I've just got to deal with the noise and start up the compressor and hook up the nail guns.

Zachary seems to still be growing. I've never outgrown maternity clothes before. If it's not stretchy though it doesn't fit around the bump anymore. My first born was 9 lbs 2 oz, no small baby there and I do not think I was this big. Who knows, he could still be a tiny little guy.

I need a nap.

Enough?

Since every day can't be a wonderful day, it's no surprise that some days are just lousy. I think today qualifies. Maybe it's just a day when the world needs to wait for me to recharge before asking more.

It's been another long week and I've done what I could to make it a good week for those around me. I dug deep for patience and have asked for little if anything. Still at the end of it all - I'm not gifted with anyone's patience if I should need it.

It's not uncommon or unusual... I'm not unique... I am still just me and likely my own worst enemy becuase I don't know how to manage other people's demands far too often.

The Tour de Cure yesterday went well I think. It was a 12 hour day for me and I don't usually get more than 3 good hours so when I got home I needed rest in the worst way. The weather was kind and the location of the rest stop we volunteered at was rather serene. I'm glad we were able to do it.

I got a couple hours sleep anyway. I've done all the laundry in the house again and got the kitchen clean late last night. It's a few minutes up, few minutes down that allow me to stretch my energy... otherwise nothing would get done.

I've still got a lot to do today but I'm going to take it slow. I'm fighting leg cramps and general achiness.

Tomorrow is another day, eh?

Running out of time...

We are 12 days out... so just 11 days left to get more than that time is going to allow.

Today - I hope to get the last mowing of the year in, I might still wish I'd gotten the weed eating done, but I'm not putting it on the agenda for today.... it's just not possible.

I've not finished painting... and I've still got trim to install, more flooring to cut... and some furniture to assemble. We did get a whole lot done with the garage yesterday and I'm caught up on the laundry until tomorrow. We took a few hours this morning just to be us... I might be driven by insane hormones and mental weakness... but the dearest Husband needs some down time if he's going to completely get over bronchitis and he's still working every day so his weekends are precious.

The schedule ahead:

Monday (6th)through Wednesday(8th) it's work on homework, keep up the day to day and taxi service since our oldest's car is no more. Matthew's got a doctor's appointment Thursday (9th), I've got class that night, followed by my doctor's appointment on Friday (10th)... The ADA Tour de Cure is Saturday(11th), My dad will be here Sunday(12th).

We need to bring Zach's crib and swing home too. (Some things from the shower are still at Matthew's parents house). I should go ahead and get the mattress for the bigger crib while I'm at it. Maybe I'll order it online so it just gets delivered to the door and save myself the time and trouble.

The following week, I've got my 8 page ethics paper to write between Monday (13th) and Wednesday (15th) and prepare to present Thursday (16th)...

Baby to be here on Friday the 17th...

It's crazy and I know I'm not going to get it 'all' done... but I've got to give it my best shot.

Zach can derail the train anytime anyway.

If you see Matthew wandering the world with Einstein hair you know I've pushed him over the edge... feed him some coffee and keep him safe eh?

Thank goodness... this week is almost over.

It's been a l-o-n-g week. I'm tired. Not as tired as I was last night after class... but for just getting up two hours ago, I'm ready for everyone to leave for school and work. Sam ( my orange cat) and I can cuddle up here and do a whole lot of not much.

Yesterday's doctor visit with the nurse practitioner went okay, but I'm still disappointed with my doctor's office as a whole. After the little guy gets here, I'm not going back to a doctor who thought seeing me once in the last four weeks before a c-section was perfectly alright. I do not like that I had to complain and demand that they review my chart and make some other option available. The 'office manager' basically told me I did the right thing and I'm my best advocate - but at the end of the day - should I have to advocate to this level for care that I am paying to receive? It doesn't help to find out that if I had not made a big deal out of it they would have been forced to squeeze two visits into one week so that they met the minimum number of prenatal visits to get the full 4k fee. I helped them make more money... what that heck???

Okay, I'm letting it go for now. Two weeks from now the little guy will be here and none of it will matter anymore.

I've only got two more weeks of my Ethics class too. I've got a paper to start working on, two more chapters to read and a presentation to do the day before the c-section. You could say I like living on the edge... or that I can't seem to stop spreading myself too thin... but I've waited years to finish this degree and I'm not getting any younger. I didn't plan on a surgical delivery so there's my blind spot on this one.

This weekend is supposed to be busy but maybe, just maybe I'll have nursery photos when I'm done. There's a 'county clean-up' tomorrow that should give me back a chunk of garage space too. YEA!

Well, scratch that do nothing... got to go rescue the oldest boy with the bum car. urgh.....

Pondered thoughts....

I know what I need.

I know I have every right to have it.

I am not sure why I need to ask for it.

I expect it to go badly though, if I do say anything.

I've had a c-section before... unexpectedly. I remember not being able to sit up for hours and not getting to eat, not being allowed to sleep, no one thinking that it might be uncomfortable to try to heal with a room full of people chatting as if I were not trapped on my back with a catheter and iv tethering me in place. Not to mention the whole nursing my child with seven people watching my every move. Oh yes, good memories.

Do I really have to ask for a few hours to rest, the chance to hold my own son, and a bit of privacy immediately following a rather vulnerable medical procedure?

If I could send out an open letter...
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The day is nearing fast and we are so looking forward to Zachary's arrival. As you might imagine though, we are not looking forward to the surgery and recovery to follow. We have some experience to help us prepare for the times ahead. It's perhaps a common surgery and both of us were born by c-section, however it is still major surgery and the recovery is not as quick, nor as easy as natural delivery.

We know this day is eagerly awaited by more than just us and that leads us to this email. We understand that many of you might want to be there 'the minute' he's born and to hold him as soon as possible and get to know our new family member. Honestly we do too! The surgery complicates things.
We have no desire to hurt or offend, however we are asking that there be no visitors during the actual surgery, initial time in recovery, or during the first few hours while we are waiting for the anesthesia effects to pass.
Once Elizabeth is able to sit up a bit and hold Zachary herself, then we welcome your visits to the hospital. If we get an early OR time, we should be up to visitors by lunch or late lunchtime. We won't know for certain until the day and will let everyone know.
We will send out first photos and all the weight, length, finger, toe stats by text message and email as soon as we are moved to a postpartum room. If all goes well we'll try to fit in a few brief phone calls as well. Matthew has made arrangements to call both Grandparents in North Carolina in the hour that they take Zach to the nursery so that he can personally share the news with them.
Providing there are no complications, day two of our hospital stay should allow for longer visits.
One final note... no cameras please.
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There would be huge fallout . Hurt feelings swirling all around b/c We don't understand this is a first baby on his side of the family. We should let them see Zach from the first moment and if I'm 4th or 5th in line to hold my own son... what's the big deal? They are only there to help so I can sleep. (I don't sleep in public, in a car, on a plane, in anyone's living room, never could even as a child).
Lastly I should let them take all the photos they want. If I've never seen the photos they took at our wedding, does it matter? If photos were taken of my daughter w/o anyone even telling me the day they were taken, it shouldn't make me uncomfortable. (the first time they ever interacted with her besides the wedding no less).
My physical and emotional needs are something less than everyone else's... again.