So it's the eve of Christmas Eve...

I'm at a loss this year... This is not a happy holiday blog.... but it's what I feel and where I'm at, eh?

In years past I spent Christmas Eve at Nolie's with the kids. This year I'm not sure if she's hosting and I am afraid to even ask. It's an odd feeling - to know that you've been blessed more than you deserve - and the people you love have suffered tragedy. I cannot trade my son for hers and I cannot give her what she's lost. I don't know how to take Zachy to see Aunt Nolie and not feel that I'm breaking her heart all over again.

and then... if we needed more drama for the holidays...

We went to Matthew's parents on Sunday. I do not think we shall return there anytime soon, if ever. I could understand some things - and I want to understand this... I don't though. They never needed to give me anything. They can buy their son anything they like for Christmas. Except his self esteem is not for sale. His sense of accomplishment wasn't offered up to the highest bidder. He said no. Quietly. Politely. No. Listen, they did not. Respect his wishes, why? So they gave their 'joint gift' that was only for him and he was hurt beyond words.

Everyone has goals I would hope. Achieving those goals is what gives us faith in our own abilities and our own strength. Each goal I've set out to accomplish - and then met - has enabled me to keep trying when I've not achieved the next goal. The milestones of my life are what I look back on for hope and fill me with some sense that I'm okay. I'm not what my parents hoped for... I've made hundreds of mistakes, but at the end of it all - I've persevered and I've met many goals. I'm not done yet.

He was just beginning. He was finding his way back from a low point where he'd tried and failed and had found his way back in the direction of his dreams. He's back in college - his bachelors degree will be finished this time. His goal. He will earn it. No one can take that from him. He was finding independence as a man with a family and newborn.

His parents have not thought, realized, or what ever it is you do when you see your child as an adult and recognize they are now living their own lives. Standing tall on the two feet god gave them and working to achieve their dreams. He ask them to let him do this, on his own. They wanted to 'help'. These same people who last year berated him for all they'd done for him and he didn't want to watch their dog while they were on vacation. They clearly do not give anything without expecting something in return. Some people are like that. Usually though, a person can decline when the terms stop just shy of their soul. Not with them. Nope. They know how to go behind your back, force your hand, and then all you can do is wait for them to collect. He's not waiting this time for them to collect. He's just burning the bridge that spans between. Another heartbreak I can't change.

We have what we have. No more. No less. We make our own way. Yes, I pay the bills and he doesn't. He's taking time off to be a full time dad to our son. (The love and care he will be providing is worth millions if you ask me). It works for us and we know what we are doing.

Our decisions for our family do leave us with limited cash for Christmas. We will not be giving the kids a new gaming system, there's no big screen tv to set out... There's the usual clothes they always need, and a 'fun' gift each. Not a lot, but something. It's more than I got growing up but a whole lot less than the commercials suggest I should be giving. We enjoy a warm, safe home, food, and more. There are far too many families who have much less than we do. Maybe when the tax return comes in, or I get my bonus, we'll do more, maybe we'll just find ourselves closer to debt free... That wouldn't be a bad thing.

So I've got to go find the spirit of Christmas 2008 and get the show on the road.