Work/Life/Not So happy Post...
For whatever reason I've spent most of my life waiting... punctuated with breathing when waiting became overwhelming. The goal - Living.
I waited for the fighting to stop. I waited for particular days, events, storms to pass.
In between I taught myself to breathe.
I've always wanted to just live.
Yesterday was a hard day. I rose to the occasion. I held back most of what I wanted to say. Learned that what I know I should keep to myself. Learned that in the end it will always be my fault. It will be my fault if it happens and shouldn't. It will be my fault if it should happen and doesn't. It will be my fault if some thing I have zero control over happens and I knew it was coming and tried to warn my team. It will be my fault if I know and don't warn them.
So maybe, just maybe if I'd going to be burned at the stake- I should just take the second path. Not tell them as it will not lessen the verbal assault. Note to self - your penchant for over communicating is not to your benefit at this time.
Then when I finally wrapped up the work day - I had to rush home. I'd sent Zach to school with the wrong colored jacket. Thursday it should have been red. So Friday I put him in red. No it should have been black. Okay - my mistake. I was using outdated expectations. Traded jackets and he was a sleep so I couldn't even say hi/bye to him.
Then wait. Friday night. Make no plans. Just wait. Wait some more. The silly project manager in me needs a plan. The world I live in has no plans. I could have done three different things. Instead I cleaned my house (not the worst back up to back up plan). Still, had I known how it was going to turn out - I probably would have ventured out with the second plan or even the third.
Ironically that second plan taught me to make no plans. To wait. To hope. To let go. To accept alone.
Someone once told me to change the plan, you have to have a plan. Being adaptable is one thing. Bending with the wind of everyone else's whims and never having a plan of your own - is not being adaptable - it's being a door mat.
Long ago there was a post about that. Not going back there today.
Live... it's time. To stop walking on egg shells. To stop waiting for other people. To just go as I am because that is what I have; that is what I can count on; that is what I always end up doing and never really wanted to do.
Change what you can. Accept what you can't. Keep moving forward. Goodness knows the world is not waiting for me.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
That was then... this is now
Darker post than usual... happens sometimes.
I used to be a cornerstone in my family... I hosted all the family dinners. I was the one you called when you needed money or bailed out of jail... Needed advice? Yeah call her. Need someone to help you move? Call her. Needed someone to fix your computer. That was me. I reveled in it for the most part. When they didn't need me they didn't call me. When they didn't call me, I felt like I wasn't a member of my own family. When I was the 'go to' person it made me feel valuable. I always knew, if I needed something - I was all I had. It just took me a long time to realize I was the family toaster.
See if you've got a toaster - you probably don't think about it much. When it burns your toast, you hate it. When it doesn't work, you hate it. If it pops up beautiful golden brown toast... you pick up your toast and walk away leaving only crumbs to indicate the toaster was valuable in the moment.
So I created distance. It didn't save my marriage of course... but it did save me.
Sometimes it feels like want me to take up the job again. I don't know that I'm willing to sacrifice my life all over again for people who don't seem to want me unless I'm handing out money or food. There was one amazing man who took over my old role... he has done all that I did and maybe even more. All for people who were not his responsibility. There is a good bit of guilt when I think about how he picked up where I left off and what did this family give him in return?
My nieces and nephews - if they need me, I'm a phone call away. They were the people who sat in my kitchen while I cooked those family dinners. They were always happy to see me and didn't just ask for gifts. They would let me sit in on their games. They scrolled through my music collection and approved... Everyone else... too many times they took and gave nothing in return but heartache.
Except the extended family never got the memo. So when someone wants to call my dad... they call me and ask for his number. I didn't have it this time. My sister does. Will she forward it along though? Sure. Send it to me and I can get it to my uncle.
So I call my Uncle and am such a coward - I didn't clue him in that I've not seen my Dad in five years. I don't tell him I had to get it from my sister. I just made sure he's has the right number and knows that I'm doing just fine.
I used to be a cornerstone in my family... I hosted all the family dinners. I was the one you called when you needed money or bailed out of jail... Needed advice? Yeah call her. Need someone to help you move? Call her. Needed someone to fix your computer. That was me. I reveled in it for the most part. When they didn't need me they didn't call me. When they didn't call me, I felt like I wasn't a member of my own family. When I was the 'go to' person it made me feel valuable. I always knew, if I needed something - I was all I had. It just took me a long time to realize I was the family toaster.
See if you've got a toaster - you probably don't think about it much. When it burns your toast, you hate it. When it doesn't work, you hate it. If it pops up beautiful golden brown toast... you pick up your toast and walk away leaving only crumbs to indicate the toaster was valuable in the moment.
So I created distance. It didn't save my marriage of course... but it did save me.
Sometimes it feels like want me to take up the job again. I don't know that I'm willing to sacrifice my life all over again for people who don't seem to want me unless I'm handing out money or food. There was one amazing man who took over my old role... he has done all that I did and maybe even more. All for people who were not his responsibility. There is a good bit of guilt when I think about how he picked up where I left off and what did this family give him in return?
My nieces and nephews - if they need me, I'm a phone call away. They were the people who sat in my kitchen while I cooked those family dinners. They were always happy to see me and didn't just ask for gifts. They would let me sit in on their games. They scrolled through my music collection and approved... Everyone else... too many times they took and gave nothing in return but heartache.
Except the extended family never got the memo. So when someone wants to call my dad... they call me and ask for his number. I didn't have it this time. My sister does. Will she forward it along though? Sure. Send it to me and I can get it to my uncle.
So I call my Uncle and am such a coward - I didn't clue him in that I've not seen my Dad in five years. I don't tell him I had to get it from my sister. I just made sure he's has the right number and knows that I'm doing just fine.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
So much good
The past week has had its ups and downs, yet more up than down so that's a plus. Friday night a friend and I drove south to one of their friend's home. The purpose was to drop off a computer. Still. I don't get out much and I don't mind driving. :).
It was out away from the lights of town and the view of the blue moon was wonderful. I loved getting the better view of the stars and the company of two people who don't filter any thing. Whatever comes to mind... They say it. So refreshing. Dinner was phenomenal. Steaks grilled and sooo good. Potatoes. Asperagus too. It's near never that someone cooks dinner for me and man it was fantastic. Great random conversation and nearly no stress. I posted about it on fb but there's someone out there who would be upset by it so I had to take it down. :( I wanted to replace it with never let anyone steal your joy, then thought better of it. I didn't lose the joy. I remember all it. I'm happy. I can write about it here.
Matt built me a computer in the last few days as well and she's awesome. The computer aside,I think we are in a better place. Friends. We've always met eye when it came to computers and he loves building them. I worried with the divorce that we would become enemies and I'm so glad to know we haven't. We had dinner with Zachy this evening and babbled about a lot of trivial stuff. Peaceful and makes me hopeful we can pull off this joint custody/life after divorce thing. He will always matter to me. I'm just so darned good with it being history. I loved him with all my heart. It wasn't what he needed. I waited five years. He ended it. I cried my river. I built my bridge. I'm on the other side now and if I look back the bridge is still there but it crosses a different river.
I am growing my circle of people to talk to. Not the deep introspect that I put in the blog, just friendly people who are far more extroverted than I am. I'm hoping it will grow me a bit to hang around social people and learn to navigate beyond the hide in my house, keep to myself. Baby steps that looking back seem like giant leaps.
Oh life is good sometimes.
It was out away from the lights of town and the view of the blue moon was wonderful. I loved getting the better view of the stars and the company of two people who don't filter any thing. Whatever comes to mind... They say it. So refreshing. Dinner was phenomenal. Steaks grilled and sooo good. Potatoes. Asperagus too. It's near never that someone cooks dinner for me and man it was fantastic. Great random conversation and nearly no stress. I posted about it on fb but there's someone out there who would be upset by it so I had to take it down. :( I wanted to replace it with never let anyone steal your joy, then thought better of it. I didn't lose the joy. I remember all it. I'm happy. I can write about it here.
Matt built me a computer in the last few days as well and she's awesome. The computer aside,I think we are in a better place. Friends. We've always met eye when it came to computers and he loves building them. I worried with the divorce that we would become enemies and I'm so glad to know we haven't. We had dinner with Zachy this evening and babbled about a lot of trivial stuff. Peaceful and makes me hopeful we can pull off this joint custody/life after divorce thing. He will always matter to me. I'm just so darned good with it being history. I loved him with all my heart. It wasn't what he needed. I waited five years. He ended it. I cried my river. I built my bridge. I'm on the other side now and if I look back the bridge is still there but it crosses a different river.
I am growing my circle of people to talk to. Not the deep introspect that I put in the blog, just friendly people who are far more extroverted than I am. I'm hoping it will grow me a bit to hang around social people and learn to navigate beyond the hide in my house, keep to myself. Baby steps that looking back seem like giant leaps.
Oh life is good sometimes.
Friday, July 24, 2015
Learning more about me
So I've been talking to someone who rather casually makes me think. Just off handed comments that I drag into deep thought.
It started with the big one... my name. I was given a name, I changed it. Whole lot of hurt and heartache tied up there. I made a conscious decision to close a chapter of my life and let 'her' be the title. So essentially she could keep the memories and I could move forward afresh. Hey, I was 13 and had no one to help me cope, so I found a method that at the time worked rather well. So now I'm told the name made me who I am. And the memories flow. The deep thinking ensues. Nearly a week later, I came to the terrible conclusion that what I did was the equivalent of abandoning a child with all my pain so I could be free. Dang. The upside... a name that once stiffened my spine whenever I heard it; doesn't anymore. I needed to survive. I'm grown now and I own what I did all the same.
As to the name I have, it still feels more 'me' but I think that's partly because I've been carrying that name around for 31 years now and partly because I couldn't hear the other name for the same number of years without pain.
Next big thought... me. I often say I'm as old as I am because that's when I was born, as tall as I am because that's when I stopped growing, brown eyed because my mother was, so hey, I am as I am. Except the standard, I have all the physical flaws. My weight is not where I'd like it to be and I need to make more time to get out on my bike. I'll leave out the quote, but it made me go 'huh?'. So I'm taking a good long look at me and I feel kinder to myself now. Sure I still want to get out on my bike and it wouldn't hurt me to hit the gym more often. I just don't have to wait for perfect to love how I look.
It's something, talking to a free spirit. I had to say just the other day that they made me happy simply being. Because I can honestly say I know someone who lives an authentic life and makes it work.
One day - I want that to be me. I live a deliberate life, but mostly I've played by the rules, tried to do all the 'right' things in the hope that I'd be (shocker coming) safe. I'm deliberate but will sacrifice myself all to often to make the world happy. I live to make it a better world. People matter. Those are not trite words. They are not rhetoric. They are not drivel that best fit a facebook meme. They are my deepest desires. Thing is I'm learning, I'm people too.
Whole lot of thinking and learning this past week and it feels so good.
It started with the big one... my name. I was given a name, I changed it. Whole lot of hurt and heartache tied up there. I made a conscious decision to close a chapter of my life and let 'her' be the title. So essentially she could keep the memories and I could move forward afresh. Hey, I was 13 and had no one to help me cope, so I found a method that at the time worked rather well. So now I'm told the name made me who I am. And the memories flow. The deep thinking ensues. Nearly a week later, I came to the terrible conclusion that what I did was the equivalent of abandoning a child with all my pain so I could be free. Dang. The upside... a name that once stiffened my spine whenever I heard it; doesn't anymore. I needed to survive. I'm grown now and I own what I did all the same.
As to the name I have, it still feels more 'me' but I think that's partly because I've been carrying that name around for 31 years now and partly because I couldn't hear the other name for the same number of years without pain.
Next big thought... me. I often say I'm as old as I am because that's when I was born, as tall as I am because that's when I stopped growing, brown eyed because my mother was, so hey, I am as I am. Except the standard, I have all the physical flaws. My weight is not where I'd like it to be and I need to make more time to get out on my bike. I'll leave out the quote, but it made me go 'huh?'. So I'm taking a good long look at me and I feel kinder to myself now. Sure I still want to get out on my bike and it wouldn't hurt me to hit the gym more often. I just don't have to wait for perfect to love how I look.
It's something, talking to a free spirit. I had to say just the other day that they made me happy simply being. Because I can honestly say I know someone who lives an authentic life and makes it work.
One day - I want that to be me. I live a deliberate life, but mostly I've played by the rules, tried to do all the 'right' things in the hope that I'd be (shocker coming) safe. I'm deliberate but will sacrifice myself all to often to make the world happy. I live to make it a better world. People matter. Those are not trite words. They are not rhetoric. They are not drivel that best fit a facebook meme. They are my deepest desires. Thing is I'm learning, I'm people too.
Whole lot of thinking and learning this past week and it feels so good.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Forward is the only option
You can look back, but you can never travel there. Forward is the only option. Well standing still is an option too. It's a temporary option though.
Look back... learn... forgive... keep moving forward. Small steps if you need. A leap of faith every once in a while. If you fall short, it's okay. Pick yourself and know that you tried. You survived. You are stronger. Maybe even a little wiser. Make some good memories. Memories that make you smile, laugh, blush if you need... Good Memories.
Every day is a chance to make a wonderful day. Note a chance, not a guarantee. Can't always win that one. Still if you deliberately try to make wonderful days, I firmly believe you will end up with more wonderful days than if you just sat and hoped for one.
I'm still feeling a little lost. That's not always a bad thing though. If you are lost and don't know it... that's bad. When you know you are lost, you can find your way home. I'm trying to give myself the time for the journey. The time to take in my surroundings so that I can chart the path back to me. I expect her to be a different me this time. It's a feeling or an instinct maybe, I just know that life has changed and with it so must I.
What I think matters... I forget that sometimes. It's coming back to the surface though. I'm an admitted over-thinker. I listen to people tell me that I over think and sometimes discount my own thoughts in self defense. I need to fight that tendency. What everyone else thinks isn't irrelevant. Still, it needs to be balanced.
Look back... learn... forgive... keep moving forward. Small steps if you need. A leap of faith every once in a while. If you fall short, it's okay. Pick yourself and know that you tried. You survived. You are stronger. Maybe even a little wiser. Make some good memories. Memories that make you smile, laugh, blush if you need... Good Memories.
Every day is a chance to make a wonderful day. Note a chance, not a guarantee. Can't always win that one. Still if you deliberately try to make wonderful days, I firmly believe you will end up with more wonderful days than if you just sat and hoped for one.
I'm still feeling a little lost. That's not always a bad thing though. If you are lost and don't know it... that's bad. When you know you are lost, you can find your way home. I'm trying to give myself the time for the journey. The time to take in my surroundings so that I can chart the path back to me. I expect her to be a different me this time. It's a feeling or an instinct maybe, I just know that life has changed and with it so must I.
What I think matters... I forget that sometimes. It's coming back to the surface though. I'm an admitted over-thinker. I listen to people tell me that I over think and sometimes discount my own thoughts in self defense. I need to fight that tendency. What everyone else thinks isn't irrelevant. Still, it needs to be balanced.
Saturday, May 9, 2015
They Say Happiness is a Choice
For the most part I tend to agree. It's not that you can choose to be happy every moment of every day... Only that other emotions can be worked through to allow happiness to bloom. Life has handed me moments. Some are wonderful while others are not. I treasure the good ones and face the not so good ones with hope that there is something positive to be gleaned from every moment.
This past work week has been stressful. Too much to get done and not enough time. It's over and done now though, so I choose to let it go. There a new week ahead that I can face Monday. Right now I can choose to make the best of my weekend.
It was noted that I 're-set' quickly. I don't know that I do, only that I'm unwilling to waste time on negative thoughts. I'll give those thoughts only enough time to understand them so I can let them go. Life is too short.
There is happiness all around us, we just have to be willing to let it shine and even in the rain - embrace all that is good in the world we live in.
No Pollyanna here - life will be hard sometimes, it's okay to be honest about it. It's not okay to drown in it.
This past work week has been stressful. Too much to get done and not enough time. It's over and done now though, so I choose to let it go. There a new week ahead that I can face Monday. Right now I can choose to make the best of my weekend.
It was noted that I 're-set' quickly. I don't know that I do, only that I'm unwilling to waste time on negative thoughts. I'll give those thoughts only enough time to understand them so I can let them go. Life is too short.
There is happiness all around us, we just have to be willing to let it shine and even in the rain - embrace all that is good in the world we live in.
No Pollyanna here - life will be hard sometimes, it's okay to be honest about it. It's not okay to drown in it.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Well then...
It's been a while. For the last two years nothing really changed. Of course that's from only one perspective. On the flip side a whole lot changed. Same job though I've been through five different managers, three peers, three reorganizations. I'm the lone constant.
2014 was a rough year. Last May was a month of graduations and then there was one... Over the summer Emily went to live with her dad. Calvin moved to Fayetteville for college. So there was just Zachy left at home. In October Bryan moved back home. He plans to move back out in May. I got to see most of the kids for the holidays. Had quite the New Year's Eve driving Sebastian back to St. Louis (sounded better before we set out on the journey). 12 hours driving in Missouri that I'm not likely to attempt as a single trip again. All the times I drive straight through to Denver and I thought eh, the drive would be fine.
Then... It was 2015. After five years of seemingly amicable separation he filed for divorce and took a mystery trip to Phoenix for valentines weekend. (Or as I'd come to refer to it - singles awareness day).
I saw my eldest sister for the first time in years. I wish I could say it went well. My family could go by the TNT tag line because we know drama. I don't know what to say or do there. I've still not seen my dad. I don't know that I can do it.
There is joy in my life. Zachy is a sweet little boy, he brings sunshine to my days. He's learned to read and loves books. As someone who doesn't remember not being able to read, it's wonderful to share the love of reading.
Work is the same yada yada of years past and not something I want to write about now.
I'm building a bridge to a better place - it's coming along fine for now. Let's see where the journey takes me.
2014 was a rough year. Last May was a month of graduations and then there was one... Over the summer Emily went to live with her dad. Calvin moved to Fayetteville for college. So there was just Zachy left at home. In October Bryan moved back home. He plans to move back out in May. I got to see most of the kids for the holidays. Had quite the New Year's Eve driving Sebastian back to St. Louis (sounded better before we set out on the journey). 12 hours driving in Missouri that I'm not likely to attempt as a single trip again. All the times I drive straight through to Denver and I thought eh, the drive would be fine.
Then... It was 2015. After five years of seemingly amicable separation he filed for divorce and took a mystery trip to Phoenix for valentines weekend. (Or as I'd come to refer to it - singles awareness day).
There is joy in my life. Zachy is a sweet little boy, he brings sunshine to my days. He's learned to read and loves books. As someone who doesn't remember not being able to read, it's wonderful to share the love of reading.
Work is the same yada yada of years past and not something I want to write about now.
I'm building a bridge to a better place - it's coming along fine for now. Let's see where the journey takes me.
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