Waiting... Breathing... Living

Work/Life/Not So happy Post...

For whatever reason I've spent most of my life waiting... punctuated with breathing when waiting became overwhelming.  The goal - Living.

I waited for the fighting to stop.  I waited for particular days, events, storms to pass.

In between I taught myself to breathe.

I've always wanted to just live.

Yesterday was a hard day.  I rose to the occasion.  I held back most of what I wanted to say.  Learned that what I know I should keep to myself.  Learned that in the end it will always be my fault.  It will be my fault if it happens and shouldn't.   It will be my fault if it should happen and doesn't.   It will be my fault if some thing I have zero control over happens and I knew it was coming and tried to warn my team.  It will be my fault if I know and don't warn them.

So maybe, just maybe if I'd going to be burned at the stake- I should just take the second path.  Not tell them as it will not lessen the verbal assault.  Note to self - your penchant for over communicating is not to your benefit at this time.

Then when I finally wrapped up the work day - I had to rush home.  I'd sent Zach to school with the wrong colored jacket.  Thursday it should have been red.  So Friday I put him in red.  No it should have been black.  Okay - my mistake.  I was using outdated expectations.  Traded jackets and he was a sleep so I couldn't even say hi/bye to him.

Then wait.   Friday night.  Make no plans.  Just wait.  Wait some more.  The silly project manager in me needs a plan.  The world I live in has no plans.  I could have done three different things.  Instead I cleaned my house (not the worst back up to back up plan).  Still, had I known how it was going to turn out - I probably would have ventured out with the second plan or even the third.

Ironically that second plan taught me to make no plans.  To wait. To hope.  To let go.  To accept alone.  

Someone once told me to change the plan, you have to have a plan.  Being adaptable is one thing. Bending with the wind of everyone else's whims and never having a plan of your own - is not being adaptable - it's being a door mat.

Long ago there was a post about that.  Not going back there today.

Live...   it's time.   To stop walking on egg shells. To stop waiting for other people.  To just go as I am because that is what I have; that is what I can count on;  that is what I always end up doing and never really wanted to do.

Change what you can.  Accept what you can't.   Keep moving forward.  Goodness knows the world is not waiting for me.