That was then... this is now

Darker post than usual... happens sometimes.

I used to be a cornerstone in my family...  I hosted all the family dinners.  I was the one you called when you needed money or bailed out of jail...   Needed advice?  Yeah call her.   Need someone to help you move?  Call her.   Needed someone to fix your computer. That was me.  I reveled in it for the most part.  When they didn't need me they didn't call me.  When they didn't call me, I felt like I wasn't a member of my own family.  When I was the 'go to' person it made me feel valuable. I always knew, if I needed something - I was all I had.  It just took me a long time to realize I was the family toaster.

See if you've got a toaster - you probably don't think about it much.  When it burns your toast,  you hate it.  When it doesn't work, you hate it.  If it pops up beautiful golden brown toast... you pick up your toast and walk away leaving only crumbs to indicate the toaster was valuable in the moment.

So I created distance. It didn't save my marriage of course... but it did save me.

Sometimes it feels like want me to take up the job again.  I don't know that I'm willing to sacrifice my life all over again for people who don't seem to want me unless I'm handing out money or food. There was one amazing man who took over my old role... he has done all that I did and maybe even more. All for people who were not his responsibility.  There is a good bit of guilt when I think about how he picked up where I left off and what did this family give him in return?

My nieces and nephews - if they need me, I'm a phone call away. They were the people who sat in my kitchen while I cooked those family dinners.  They were always happy to see me and didn't just ask for gifts. They would let me sit in on their games.  They scrolled through my music collection and approved...  Everyone else... too many times they took and gave nothing in return but heartache.  

Except the extended family never got the memo.  So when someone wants to call my dad... they call me and ask for his number.  I didn't have it this time.   My sister does.  Will she forward it along though?  Sure.  Send it to me and I can get it to my uncle.

So I call my Uncle and am such a coward - I didn't clue him in that I've not seen my Dad in five years.  I don't tell him I had to get it from my sister.  I just made sure he's has the right number and knows that I'm doing just fine.