Since I've changed blog locations I thought I'd bring over my year end blog from 07.
2007 is drawing to a close... just one more day after this.... and I looked back at my goals on the eve of 2006... the year that was supposed to change everything.... and then the updated version from the eve of 2007....
How far I've come...
Time, space, love, heartache, friends, bridges, and love again....
Time measured in moments as well as years. Days when I had only hope to sustain me. Years spent growing, loving, dreaming.... losing. Moments of fear, joy, freedom, loss, salvation....
Space from the stars at night that I look to for solace - to the bits of time that separate all things. Space to grieve and space to grow. Space for hope to die and hope to grow again.
Heartache... does that need any explaination?
Friends! One I've known since I was a 13 year old, who has stayed in my life through anything and everything... who saved me not once but twice and gives me so much to be thankful for. It's some 20+ years later and the door is always open - sometimes I'm just too terrified to knock. Still it does not matter she is as aways... the best person I'll ever know. Love ya Nolie!
Other friends more recently saved me... two or is it three in particular who in 2006 were pillars I could cling to... when there was heartache and fear, when dispair that threatend to overcome me. They gave so much to learn from. They put me back together - held me together when I could not seem to find hope. They gave me hope and safe haven, then set me on a journey... to cross a bridge. Sean, Steven, Anthony... you guys are the best!
Newer to my heart is yet another best friend... how can I be so lucky to have so many friends that I love so dearly.... Me... the one no one wanted - has so much. In 2007 I found that a chance email from the year before has brought me a lifetime of tomorrows to spend with the writer. You are loved Matthew.
Bridges.... built, burned, crossed....
Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it.
This used to be written on my mirror to remind me that it was okay to cry... but that in the end I had to cross the bridge and find hope again. I definitely cried the river... and the bridge was there for me... I crossed it alone as I should have... I traveled some 2000 miles alone to cross that bridge and find that there was life on the other side.
It gave me strength as 2007 has had some ups and downs... wonderful moments, the best birthday of my life and some crazy moments... a new job that I love and the journey continues.
Through everything I've been loved... in many different ways and even when I didn't think anyone loved me....
I have to stop a moment here because this just ran through my head...
Nobody loves me, everybody hates me. Think I'll go eat some worms.
Whoever came up with that song? It just derailed my train of thought and that's far too easy, you know?
All the same... I'm loved... and when the clock strikes midnight tomorrow... I will know how far I've come... and that the journey hasn't ended...
Someone once told me ....'there will be sunsets over other oceans' sunrises as well I do not doubt.
For all the friends who have helped me get to where I am today - you are loved and I carry you in my heart as I make my way along this journey.
For the one who will travel beside me... it's been a long road here and I'm blessed and honored that you've chosen to venture forth with me.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart
All too true. I am old far sooner than I'd like to have found myself being and not near as smart as I wish I was.
Life is choices though. Sometimes they are far too easy and other times oh so difficult. In the end you've made them. Good. Bad. Done.
Sometimes I wonder how I found myself here. Not because I think here is a good place or a bad place. It's just here. Again though, I must wonder... which choices, which turns sent me here. Does it seem to be somewhere I want to stay? If I make the easy choices, where will I be next? Not choosing is not truly an option you know. Not choosing the choices get made for you and you will drift where they take you anyway. Making the difficult choices - those sometimes are best ones I've ever made. Faced fear more times than once and was damned proud of where they took me.
I've looked back at the close of every year. Tried to learn from my mistakes, tried to hold onto the really good stuff and let go of what I cannot change.
Cried my rivers, built my bridges, crossed them and when necessary - burnt them once I was back on dry land. I'm stronger for the efforts each time. I still think that I should get a year off every once in a while - who needs to be this strong anyway?
This year - so much good, some not so good, some things I can't honestly tell you are good or bad because I just don't know yet.
I'm still thinking. I'm still reflecting. I am not quite ready for this year to end. I cannot make time stand still though, so I will take the next few days and sort it all out.
~E
Life is choices though. Sometimes they are far too easy and other times oh so difficult. In the end you've made them. Good. Bad. Done.
Sometimes I wonder how I found myself here. Not because I think here is a good place or a bad place. It's just here. Again though, I must wonder... which choices, which turns sent me here. Does it seem to be somewhere I want to stay? If I make the easy choices, where will I be next? Not choosing is not truly an option you know. Not choosing the choices get made for you and you will drift where they take you anyway. Making the difficult choices - those sometimes are best ones I've ever made. Faced fear more times than once and was damned proud of where they took me.
I've looked back at the close of every year. Tried to learn from my mistakes, tried to hold onto the really good stuff and let go of what I cannot change.
Cried my rivers, built my bridges, crossed them and when necessary - burnt them once I was back on dry land. I'm stronger for the efforts each time. I still think that I should get a year off every once in a while - who needs to be this strong anyway?
This year - so much good, some not so good, some things I can't honestly tell you are good or bad because I just don't know yet.
I'm still thinking. I'm still reflecting. I am not quite ready for this year to end. I cannot make time stand still though, so I will take the next few days and sort it all out.
~E
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
So it's the eve of Christmas Eve...
I'm at a loss this year... This is not a happy holiday blog.... but it's what I feel and where I'm at, eh?
In years past I spent Christmas Eve at Nolie's with the kids. This year I'm not sure if she's hosting and I am afraid to even ask. It's an odd feeling - to know that you've been blessed more than you deserve - and the people you love have suffered tragedy. I cannot trade my son for hers and I cannot give her what she's lost. I don't know how to take Zachy to see Aunt Nolie and not feel that I'm breaking her heart all over again.
and then... if we needed more drama for the holidays...
We went to Matthew's parents on Sunday. I do not think we shall return there anytime soon, if ever. I could understand some things - and I want to understand this... I don't though. They never needed to give me anything. They can buy their son anything they like for Christmas. Except his self esteem is not for sale. His sense of accomplishment wasn't offered up to the highest bidder. He said no. Quietly. Politely. No. Listen, they did not. Respect his wishes, why? So they gave their 'joint gift' that was only for him and he was hurt beyond words.
Everyone has goals I would hope. Achieving those goals is what gives us faith in our own abilities and our own strength. Each goal I've set out to accomplish - and then met - has enabled me to keep trying when I've not achieved the next goal. The milestones of my life are what I look back on for hope and fill me with some sense that I'm okay. I'm not what my parents hoped for... I've made hundreds of mistakes, but at the end of it all - I've persevered and I've met many goals. I'm not done yet.
He was just beginning. He was finding his way back from a low point where he'd tried and failed and had found his way back in the direction of his dreams. He's back in college - his bachelors degree will be finished this time. His goal. He will earn it. No one can take that from him. He was finding independence as a man with a family and newborn.
His parents have not thought, realized, or what ever it is you do when you see your child as an adult and recognize they are now living their own lives. Standing tall on the two feet god gave them and working to achieve their dreams. He ask them to let him do this, on his own. They wanted to 'help'. These same people who last year berated him for all they'd done for him and he didn't want to watch their dog while they were on vacation. They clearly do not give anything without expecting something in return. Some people are like that. Usually though, a person can decline when the terms stop just shy of their soul. Not with them. Nope. They know how to go behind your back, force your hand, and then all you can do is wait for them to collect. He's not waiting this time for them to collect. He's just burning the bridge that spans between. Another heartbreak I can't change.
We have what we have. No more. No less. We make our own way. Yes, I pay the bills and he doesn't. He's taking time off to be a full time dad to our son. (The love and care he will be providing is worth millions if you ask me). It works for us and we know what we are doing.
Our decisions for our family do leave us with limited cash for Christmas. We will not be giving the kids a new gaming system, there's no big screen tv to set out... There's the usual clothes they always need, and a 'fun' gift each. Not a lot, but something. It's more than I got growing up but a whole lot less than the commercials suggest I should be giving. We enjoy a warm, safe home, food, and more. There are far too many families who have much less than we do. Maybe when the tax return comes in, or I get my bonus, we'll do more, maybe we'll just find ourselves closer to debt free... That wouldn't be a bad thing.
So I've got to go find the spirit of Christmas 2008 and get the show on the road.
In years past I spent Christmas Eve at Nolie's with the kids. This year I'm not sure if she's hosting and I am afraid to even ask. It's an odd feeling - to know that you've been blessed more than you deserve - and the people you love have suffered tragedy. I cannot trade my son for hers and I cannot give her what she's lost. I don't know how to take Zachy to see Aunt Nolie and not feel that I'm breaking her heart all over again.
and then... if we needed more drama for the holidays...
We went to Matthew's parents on Sunday. I do not think we shall return there anytime soon, if ever. I could understand some things - and I want to understand this... I don't though. They never needed to give me anything. They can buy their son anything they like for Christmas. Except his self esteem is not for sale. His sense of accomplishment wasn't offered up to the highest bidder. He said no. Quietly. Politely. No. Listen, they did not. Respect his wishes, why? So they gave their 'joint gift' that was only for him and he was hurt beyond words.
Everyone has goals I would hope. Achieving those goals is what gives us faith in our own abilities and our own strength. Each goal I've set out to accomplish - and then met - has enabled me to keep trying when I've not achieved the next goal. The milestones of my life are what I look back on for hope and fill me with some sense that I'm okay. I'm not what my parents hoped for... I've made hundreds of mistakes, but at the end of it all - I've persevered and I've met many goals. I'm not done yet.
He was just beginning. He was finding his way back from a low point where he'd tried and failed and had found his way back in the direction of his dreams. He's back in college - his bachelors degree will be finished this time. His goal. He will earn it. No one can take that from him. He was finding independence as a man with a family and newborn.
His parents have not thought, realized, or what ever it is you do when you see your child as an adult and recognize they are now living their own lives. Standing tall on the two feet god gave them and working to achieve their dreams. He ask them to let him do this, on his own. They wanted to 'help'. These same people who last year berated him for all they'd done for him and he didn't want to watch their dog while they were on vacation. They clearly do not give anything without expecting something in return. Some people are like that. Usually though, a person can decline when the terms stop just shy of their soul. Not with them. Nope. They know how to go behind your back, force your hand, and then all you can do is wait for them to collect. He's not waiting this time for them to collect. He's just burning the bridge that spans between. Another heartbreak I can't change.
We have what we have. No more. No less. We make our own way. Yes, I pay the bills and he doesn't. He's taking time off to be a full time dad to our son. (The love and care he will be providing is worth millions if you ask me). It works for us and we know what we are doing.
Our decisions for our family do leave us with limited cash for Christmas. We will not be giving the kids a new gaming system, there's no big screen tv to set out... There's the usual clothes they always need, and a 'fun' gift each. Not a lot, but something. It's more than I got growing up but a whole lot less than the commercials suggest I should be giving. We enjoy a warm, safe home, food, and more. There are far too many families who have much less than we do. Maybe when the tax return comes in, or I get my bonus, we'll do more, maybe we'll just find ourselves closer to debt free... That wouldn't be a bad thing.
So I've got to go find the spirit of Christmas 2008 and get the show on the road.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Zachary at 2 Months
It's hard to believe he's two months old already. He's grown so much in such a short time. He's smiling and giggling now. Such a sweetheart. He's not sleeping through the night or anything yet, but that's just extra time I get to spend with him anyway. Sleep might be tempting - but Zach is much more so.
It's my first week back in the office, second week back to work. I miss the days with the little guy. I'm looking forward to some down time during the holidays so I can snuggle with him and spend time with the family.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
One flawed individual...
Yes, I am. And while I've invested my life trying to mend my flaws, I've come to accept that some will always remain.
I'm my own worst enemy... but then again your enemies know you best now don't they? I know me better than I did 10 years ago. Hours, days, months of soul searching and I can say confidently... I know who I am, I know I'm flawed, I know who I wanted to be, I know... Me.
I try to hard. Even when I know the situation is hopeless. I seldom give up whether things are going to turn around or not. This applies to much in my life... family of course, and jobs, classes, I don't want to fail, it's that simple. I never want to add failure to my list of flaws. But there are times when I'm just not going to succeed and I dislike the sensation. I will always do my best and sometimes my best just isn't going to be good enough. Maybe a lot of sometimes. I try to be what is needed and set aside what I need until I'm alone and then it's just too late for me.
I want too much. Not in the materialistic sense, no. I've got more than I need, more than I deserve, and more than too many others. Still, I want sunshine, rainbows, happiness, joy abounding and people... lots of people genuinely happy. I want a world where good things happen. I want a few less days where I can only tell my self - Something worse just happened to someone better, somewhere. I want my family to have what they need. All my family. Even the ones who seem bent on self destruction or at the very least can't seem to find their way in this world. I want to give the world something back for all that I have. I want, damn it, I WANT like a little kid to know that it will all be okay tomorrow. Life doesn't work that way though and what sucked today isn't going to suddenly be better tomorrow. It will still suck, it will just be old news.
I forget. The advice that I know is right... The sage words found here and there and sometimes given to me by wonderful people - against my will. Three quotes come to mind and they tell me I own my feelings. The feelings I have in response to life, the feelings I have right now, and the feelings I will undoubtedly have later - I own them. I may write of them one day, but for now the quotes are simple. 1.) "the minute you settle for less than you deserve, you will have less than you settled for. 2.) "You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." 3.) "Happiness is not the absence of pain".
I'm human. I want to be too! So I'm not perfect, I'll never be perfect and trying to be is an exhaustive and pointless endeavor that I need to let go of. (see above on any hope there).
More flaws - I'm cynical, sarcastic and many of my actions are completely unacceptable too. (I disagree on the cynical and unacceptable parts but that's a whole other blog from long ago when this was in fact put into writing and given to me as an employment evaluation. Sarcastic I'll own up to but I've learned to reign it in when it's inappropriate.
I'm not all that smart, I keep making the same mistakes - many times over, and I am always going over think. I was never anyone's first choice and likely not their second. I am still here though. Brownie points for survival I'm told I'm good at it.
I'll try again tomorrow.
I'm my own worst enemy... but then again your enemies know you best now don't they? I know me better than I did 10 years ago. Hours, days, months of soul searching and I can say confidently... I know who I am, I know I'm flawed, I know who I wanted to be, I know... Me.
I try to hard. Even when I know the situation is hopeless. I seldom give up whether things are going to turn around or not. This applies to much in my life... family of course, and jobs, classes, I don't want to fail, it's that simple. I never want to add failure to my list of flaws. But there are times when I'm just not going to succeed and I dislike the sensation. I will always do my best and sometimes my best just isn't going to be good enough. Maybe a lot of sometimes. I try to be what is needed and set aside what I need until I'm alone and then it's just too late for me.
I want too much. Not in the materialistic sense, no. I've got more than I need, more than I deserve, and more than too many others. Still, I want sunshine, rainbows, happiness, joy abounding and people... lots of people genuinely happy. I want a world where good things happen. I want a few less days where I can only tell my self - Something worse just happened to someone better, somewhere. I want my family to have what they need. All my family. Even the ones who seem bent on self destruction or at the very least can't seem to find their way in this world. I want to give the world something back for all that I have. I want, damn it, I WANT like a little kid to know that it will all be okay tomorrow. Life doesn't work that way though and what sucked today isn't going to suddenly be better tomorrow. It will still suck, it will just be old news.
I forget. The advice that I know is right... The sage words found here and there and sometimes given to me by wonderful people - against my will. Three quotes come to mind and they tell me I own my feelings. The feelings I have in response to life, the feelings I have right now, and the feelings I will undoubtedly have later - I own them. I may write of them one day, but for now the quotes are simple. 1.) "the minute you settle for less than you deserve, you will have less than you settled for. 2.) "You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." 3.) "Happiness is not the absence of pain".
I'm human. I want to be too! So I'm not perfect, I'll never be perfect and trying to be is an exhaustive and pointless endeavor that I need to let go of. (see above on any hope there).
More flaws - I'm cynical, sarcastic and many of my actions are completely unacceptable too. (I disagree on the cynical and unacceptable parts but that's a whole other blog from long ago when this was in fact put into writing and given to me as an employment evaluation. Sarcastic I'll own up to but I've learned to reign it in when it's inappropriate.
I'm not all that smart, I keep making the same mistakes - many times over, and I am always going over think. I was never anyone's first choice and likely not their second. I am still here though. Brownie points for survival I'm told I'm good at it.
I'll try again tomorrow.
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