Pondered thoughts....

I know what I need.

I know I have every right to have it.

I am not sure why I need to ask for it.

I expect it to go badly though, if I do say anything.

I've had a c-section before... unexpectedly. I remember not being able to sit up for hours and not getting to eat, not being allowed to sleep, no one thinking that it might be uncomfortable to try to heal with a room full of people chatting as if I were not trapped on my back with a catheter and iv tethering me in place. Not to mention the whole nursing my child with seven people watching my every move. Oh yes, good memories.

Do I really have to ask for a few hours to rest, the chance to hold my own son, and a bit of privacy immediately following a rather vulnerable medical procedure?

If I could send out an open letter...
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The day is nearing fast and we are so looking forward to Zachary's arrival. As you might imagine though, we are not looking forward to the surgery and recovery to follow. We have some experience to help us prepare for the times ahead. It's perhaps a common surgery and both of us were born by c-section, however it is still major surgery and the recovery is not as quick, nor as easy as natural delivery.

We know this day is eagerly awaited by more than just us and that leads us to this email. We understand that many of you might want to be there 'the minute' he's born and to hold him as soon as possible and get to know our new family member. Honestly we do too! The surgery complicates things.
We have no desire to hurt or offend, however we are asking that there be no visitors during the actual surgery, initial time in recovery, or during the first few hours while we are waiting for the anesthesia effects to pass.
Once Elizabeth is able to sit up a bit and hold Zachary herself, then we welcome your visits to the hospital. If we get an early OR time, we should be up to visitors by lunch or late lunchtime. We won't know for certain until the day and will let everyone know.
We will send out first photos and all the weight, length, finger, toe stats by text message and email as soon as we are moved to a postpartum room. If all goes well we'll try to fit in a few brief phone calls as well. Matthew has made arrangements to call both Grandparents in North Carolina in the hour that they take Zach to the nursery so that he can personally share the news with them.
Providing there are no complications, day two of our hospital stay should allow for longer visits.
One final note... no cameras please.
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There would be huge fallout . Hurt feelings swirling all around b/c We don't understand this is a first baby on his side of the family. We should let them see Zach from the first moment and if I'm 4th or 5th in line to hold my own son... what's the big deal? They are only there to help so I can sleep. (I don't sleep in public, in a car, on a plane, in anyone's living room, never could even as a child).
Lastly I should let them take all the photos they want. If I've never seen the photos they took at our wedding, does it matter? If photos were taken of my daughter w/o anyone even telling me the day they were taken, it shouldn't make me uncomfortable. (the first time they ever interacted with her besides the wedding no less).
My physical and emotional needs are something less than everyone else's... again.

Someday maybe this too will make sense

I just wonder when someday is going to get here for the rest of the stuff I don't understand.

I'm tired anyway.

I'm tired of trying to understand. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of trying to do everything I know needs to be done. I'm tired of people not considering for two seconds that this is my life too. Eh... Who asked me?

Update for anyone still reading. The nursery is not done yet. The hall way is half painted. The other hallway, the office and the foyer are taking a beating storing stuff that needs to be put back into place or used to finish the remodeling. I need to paint... walls, trim, doors, shelves.

I've got two weeks, five days, and in between I've got homework, a term paper to write, and everything else to keep up. Oh wait, It's not that important. I've got all these people who can help and it's waited this long, what's a few more months, right?

Yeah... right.

Life ...

When I started this blog I mentioned my longest friendship... the most amazing friend... who had always wanted a baby. (blessed...)

Even as we struggled with the uncertainty of being able to have Zachary... I still knew that I had been blessed more times than I probably deserved, and that if anyone had so much to offer a new life it was Nolie.

Today, the most wonderful, amazing, day of all time I opened a letter from her...

After more than a decade of hoping, praying and trying... She's having a baby!!!!!!!!!!

Is there anything in the whole entire world a greater miracle and brighter blessing than a baby? If I had one wish this is what I would have wished for...

Life is so very good!

Time...

Time passes all too quickly some days. It doesn't help that I feel like I'm living on borrowed time. Technically I have 26 days... (27 days if you count the day of the c-section, but if it's not done the day before - it's not getting done, eh?)

The house is not ready yet... this is no big surprise and yet I'm shocked each day when I get up and start to plan what I will do with my few hours of energy. I seem to have about two or three really good hours and then I'm exhausted. It doesn't really matter what I do with my few hours though.

Thus far I'm keeping up with the daily stuff - laundry, dishes, munchkins, etc... but the Nursery is no further than it was a week ago. The rain finally moved out and the grass needs cut, the flowerbeds need weeded and a final end of the year edging would be nice.

I'm told "you've to how many boys there at home?" Let's review... The older ones don't do work that doesn't have a keyboard and trackpad and booting them off the network is ineffective. Then there's the creative environmentalist son who refuses to kill spiders or weeds so I'm not getting any help with the lawn there.

"Wait... aren't you married?" I married well for companionship, laughter, debate, hiking, walking, and bouncing technical expertise back and forth.... not so well for handyman, home mechanic, or contract labor. To give him the credit he deserves, He will try to help with anythying even with great trepidation. He cooks too, both in the kitchen and outdoors and if anyone want's to question it... Have him grill you a steak - and not me... ditto on salmon fillets or most any meat for that matter and the salad to go next to it. Leave the potatoes to me, they are my forte.

The net/net on the handyman jobs is we are working based on me and my "hey, I took shop in high school" attitude. That and my insane determination that NOW is the time to get all the little projects done with those few hours each day. Ever met a pregnant women? The do not often funtion logically in the normal sense of the word. I've got some logic to my madness... after the surgery I'm out of commission for weeks... so I can't plan on getting this stuff done later.

Matthew has great skills... they just don't include power tools. Even building a workstation or server he's not looking for a motorized screwdriver. I think the only time he wants power is in his car. :-)

Speaking of the mini-bubba-mobile, guess where he tried out installing the little guy's car seat???? Um yeah, he's got a 5 speed manual transmission, sport package with extra hp, wind foiled, dark metalic blue Toyota... with the cutest sage and tan baby seat nestled in the center of the back seat.

The clock is ticking... so off I go.

Looking Forward...

As usual I've begun my Sunday Morning with Post Secret. It always makes me reflect on my own life and wonder.

This past week has been a bit difficult for me in all honesty. I had issues with my doctor's office, work, school all culminating with trying to study for my .Net final, finding out I had to repeat a lab test that takes a full day, the receptionist at the clinic LOST my leave paperwork (with my name, address, social, work info, health info, etc). It was just too much to manage on Thursday.

The week ended on a better note and that's good.

No progress on the baby's room, no progress on much of anything... but my leave starts tomorrow and I begin a new class, Business Ethics, on Thursday. Anything but programming. (except that kicks back in the week after the munchie).

Walking on Saturday Mornings

This has been a good year for me and walking.... In April, we did the Susan G. Komen Race for the cure - we were 5k walkers and I was 12 weeks or so pregnant. (though not sure I was ... long story - feared miscarriage and all) In May we did the MS Walk (not sure the distance and we had an appointment to make for certain on the baby) Today - We drove to the University of Arkansas - Fayetteville campus for the 8th annual JDRF walk with the NWA chapter. I'm officially 35 weeks now.

When we were leaving home it was raining and looked like they might have had to move the event into the Arena, but by the time we got there - it was overcast but dry. It was a bit humid but there was an awesome breeze at times too.

Normally a 5k walk is well... a walk in the park for me. These days I'm tired a whole lot sooner and the walk used my entire day's supply of energy. I'd not have missed it for the world all the same.

Since it was JDRF there were children and babies and families all around. Some kids had HUGE teams. While it was sobering to see how many families are touched by Type 1 Diabetes, it was humbling to see 3 and I would wager at least one 4 generation family walking together. After the walk we got some grilled hot dogs, fished for cold water and toured the vendor tents and watched a lot of little kids playing in the inflatables.

Matthew even got the cable and software for his meter that he's been talking about ordering online for a over a year. (for anyone who has to measure vitals half a dozen times a day - having an automated system for charting is a cool thing). Maybe he will make his endocrinologist proud yet. :-)

We won't likely make the ADA walk due to it being the Saturday before the little guy gets here, but there's always next year. 2009 should be a good year to learn how to walk 5k with a stroller or baby backpack.

40 days, too much left to do

So think Noah and the flood... by the time the animals get to leave the Ark... the mini-munchie will be here.

And of course all that I can think is, I've got so much to do first!!!! I have painting to finish and floors to re-do, I'm not done. Working with a budget I need more time...

Progress?

Well the floor is 2/3 of the way done. It's going to take a trip to the hardware store tomorrow and maybe wally world... but I can still finish it this weekend. I've got to say... laying laminate flooring is WORK. My knees and my fingers hurt. :-( Little guy though is getting a bit crabby with me doing so much. Unfortunately we figured out that I'm the only one who can lay this stuff though. I'm not looking forward to laying it in two more bedrooms and a hall way. I will try to get the hall done before the c-section and let the rest wait till I recover. I think I'll still get the paining done in all three bedrooms. I think even just getting the rooms painted will make a difference.

The flower beds though... will be waiting for spring at this rate. There's just not enough spare time, not enough energy. I tried to enlist help but it's a lot of work that doesn't pay.

My programming homework has been ignored all weekend too and I've got to work on it sometime today/tomorrow. There's only two weeks left till my final.

Tuesday is back to work, Friday back to the doctor... Time is passing faster than I can keep up. Good thing babies really don't care what's done and what isn't. They just want to be fed, kept clean, dry, warm, safe and loved. I know I've got that covered.