Echoes

My mind is filled with the echoes of conversations from 2016.  Some make me smile while others take my breath away.  As I sit with my memories of a year past and seek wisdom for the year ahead - those echoes are memories I will choose to carry forward or leave behind.

The year started alone and it appears it will end in solitude as well.  Not for a complete lack of wonderful people in my life, though there are just a few I've let in... rather because the New Year will begin on a Sunday and the timing is what it is.  I know that the most important people in my life are but a text message away, sans one very special little one who is not quite old enough for a phone.  

It's been a year of changes as all years are I suppose.  

For all my musings on the internet, in the physical world, I'm a very private person who could be a poster child for introverts.  I have built many walls in my life and very few bridges.   One bridge I've had to make the conscious decision to close.  It hasn't been due to a falling out or anything terrible really.  I just reassessed the level of negativity in my life and realized that a bit of space is necessary. I need to surround myself  joy and let anything less drift away.  

Don't get me wrong, this blog reveals quite well a tale of ups and downs.  If all you celebrate are the downs and you never take time to embrace the ups - that's when it achieves a level of negativity that darkens the joy around you.  If I began the year lighting a penny candle, it seems foolish to let a cold draft threaten that tender flame of hope.  

I still have the same job as the last six years and yet it is so very different with two building moves and a reorganization.  The team has gained and lost many people and I'm still getting to know the new ones.   One team member has been a special addition to my life.  She is funny and kind and reminds me that I must take time for me so that I can be happy.  Others are friendly enough and on the good days I talk more at work that I usually do... I let people in just a bit.  It's a door in the walls that leads to a small sitting room of sorts... (metaphors are ever "me").  

No weddings or funerals again this year. There is a new munchkin in the family...  Baby E was born in September and his parents while young, appear to have what it takes to do well by him. He is a joy! 

I keep in touch with a few dear family/friends who when sadness or joy need a hug or a hooray and I am forever grateful.  If I ever make it back to Denver or DFW - they will be treasures to meet up with for coffee or dinner.  Some are more complicated than others.  

I've no words for many things it the bigger world...  this past year will not be forgotten, and and yet it needs never be re-lived.  I'm taking the good, leaving the rest, hoping for the best, prepared to survive as always, and keeping the door open for all the joy this world has to offer. 

Farewell the past year...  Bring it 2017 ! 

2015 Looking back... standing still a moment... lighting a penny candle

Not my best year...  I've said that a lot and now I'm putting it down in writing.

The year began with heartache.   It seemed to be heading towards a better place and then I found a friend was not a friend.  Then it was June.  Six months in two sentences.  The history is in the archives now.  I look back no more.

Then there was good.

Once again my life was fast approaching a dark place.  Nearly a decade since my last 'bad' year.  I again found I had a friend that I could lean on.  This time however instead of shining a light into the darkness... I was pulled into the light where darkness found no home.  There were amazing moments. I can only hope they were not once in a lifetime moments but instead will be the foundation I can reflect on as I keep moving forward. Those moments weren't profound in and of themselves. They were profound in that I embraced them.  I lived.  In each moment.  Without doubt or fear.  Just lived. I can never turn back and I will never forget the pure and simple joy of reveling in moment.  I did things that I never would have had the courage or confidence to do just months before... little less the years before.

Even the brightest light fades in time though and you have two choices - stand in the dark or move towards the light.  That light may be so small as a penny candle of age old.. and they aren't likely still just a penny.  All the same, I light that candle and watch it flicker.  The darkness remains at bay. The moment of solitude is mine to hold.  Looking back and standing still.

I'm standing still only long enough to find my bearings.  Then forward I go.  My own words keep me from standing still longer than needed.  It's a temporary state and it's okay to take time but stay here I cannot.  Forward is the only option.

The year ended...  alone once again.  Still there was unexpected news just hours before the year ended.  I tried to reach out to talk through it... it was New Years Eve though and no friends were available for the conversation.  Another day I'm sure... it's not like the news is going anywhere soon.

Today is a bright new day... yesterday's mistakes are behind me. (borrowed from my children's grade school creed).  I've made it through.  What was - is past.  What is before me - who knows.  I've survived all that has come before, so I'm pretty sure I can face what is up ahead.

Come what may - I'm here, I'm stronger, wiser, and maybe even more determined than ever.

2016 - Let's see what you bring.

Waiting... Breathing... Living

Work/Life/Not So happy Post...

For whatever reason I've spent most of my life waiting... punctuated with breathing when waiting became overwhelming.  The goal - Living.

I waited for the fighting to stop.  I waited for particular days, events, storms to pass.

In between I taught myself to breathe.

I've always wanted to just live.

Yesterday was a hard day.  I rose to the occasion.  I held back most of what I wanted to say.  Learned that what I know I should keep to myself.  Learned that in the end it will always be my fault.  It will be my fault if it happens and shouldn't.   It will be my fault if it should happen and doesn't.   It will be my fault if some thing I have zero control over happens and I knew it was coming and tried to warn my team.  It will be my fault if I know and don't warn them.

So maybe, just maybe if I'd going to be burned at the stake- I should just take the second path.  Not tell them as it will not lessen the verbal assault.  Note to self - your penchant for over communicating is not to your benefit at this time.

Then when I finally wrapped up the work day - I had to rush home.  I'd sent Zach to school with the wrong colored jacket.  Thursday it should have been red.  So Friday I put him in red.  No it should have been black.  Okay - my mistake.  I was using outdated expectations.  Traded jackets and he was a sleep so I couldn't even say hi/bye to him.

Then wait.   Friday night.  Make no plans.  Just wait.  Wait some more.  The silly project manager in me needs a plan.  The world I live in has no plans.  I could have done three different things.  Instead I cleaned my house (not the worst back up to back up plan).  Still, had I known how it was going to turn out - I probably would have ventured out with the second plan or even the third.

Ironically that second plan taught me to make no plans.  To wait. To hope.  To let go.  To accept alone.  

Someone once told me to change the plan, you have to have a plan.  Being adaptable is one thing. Bending with the wind of everyone else's whims and never having a plan of your own - is not being adaptable - it's being a door mat.

Long ago there was a post about that.  Not going back there today.

Live...   it's time.   To stop walking on egg shells. To stop waiting for other people.  To just go as I am because that is what I have; that is what I can count on;  that is what I always end up doing and never really wanted to do.

Change what you can.  Accept what you can't.   Keep moving forward.  Goodness knows the world is not waiting for me.

That was then... this is now

Darker post than usual... happens sometimes.

I used to be a cornerstone in my family...  I hosted all the family dinners.  I was the one you called when you needed money or bailed out of jail...   Needed advice?  Yeah call her.   Need someone to help you move?  Call her.   Needed someone to fix your computer. That was me.  I reveled in it for the most part.  When they didn't need me they didn't call me.  When they didn't call me, I felt like I wasn't a member of my own family.  When I was the 'go to' person it made me feel valuable. I always knew, if I needed something - I was all I had.  It just took me a long time to realize I was the family toaster.

See if you've got a toaster - you probably don't think about it much.  When it burns your toast,  you hate it.  When it doesn't work, you hate it.  If it pops up beautiful golden brown toast... you pick up your toast and walk away leaving only crumbs to indicate the toaster was valuable in the moment.

So I created distance. It didn't save my marriage of course... but it did save me.

Sometimes it feels like want me to take up the job again.  I don't know that I'm willing to sacrifice my life all over again for people who don't seem to want me unless I'm handing out money or food. There was one amazing man who took over my old role... he has done all that I did and maybe even more. All for people who were not his responsibility.  There is a good bit of guilt when I think about how he picked up where I left off and what did this family give him in return?

My nieces and nephews - if they need me, I'm a phone call away. They were the people who sat in my kitchen while I cooked those family dinners.  They were always happy to see me and didn't just ask for gifts. They would let me sit in on their games.  They scrolled through my music collection and approved...  Everyone else... too many times they took and gave nothing in return but heartache.  

Except the extended family never got the memo.  So when someone wants to call my dad... they call me and ask for his number.  I didn't have it this time.   My sister does.  Will she forward it along though?  Sure.  Send it to me and I can get it to my uncle.

So I call my Uncle and am such a coward - I didn't clue him in that I've not seen my Dad in five years.  I don't tell him I had to get it from my sister.  I just made sure he's has the right number and knows that I'm doing just fine.

So much good

The past week has had its ups and downs, yet more up than down so that's a plus.  Friday night a friend and I drove south to one of their friend's home.  The purpose was to drop off a computer.  Still. I don't get out much and I don't mind driving. :).

It was out away from the lights of town and the view of the blue moon was wonderful.  I loved getting the better view of the stars and the company of two people who don't filter any thing.  Whatever comes to mind... They say it.  So refreshing.  Dinner was phenomenal.  Steaks grilled and sooo good.  Potatoes. Asperagus too. It's near never that someone cooks dinner for me and man it was fantastic. Great random conversation and nearly no stress. I posted about it on fb but there's someone out there who would be upset by it so I had to take it down. :(  I wanted to replace it with never let anyone steal your joy, then thought better of it.  I didn't lose the joy. I remember all it.  I'm happy. I can write about it here.

Matt built me a computer in the last few days as well and she's awesome. The computer aside,I think we are in a better place.  Friends. We've always met eye when it came to computers and he loves building them. I worried with the divorce that we would become enemies and I'm so glad to know we haven't.  We had dinner with Zachy this evening and babbled about a lot of trivial stuff.  Peaceful and makes me hopeful we can pull off this joint custody/life after divorce thing. He will always matter to me. I'm just so darned good with it being history.  I loved him with all my heart.  It wasn't what he needed.  I waited five years.  He ended it.  I cried my river.  I built my bridge.  I'm on the other side now and if I look back the bridge is still there but it crosses a different river.

I am growing my circle of people to talk to. Not the deep introspect that I put in the blog, just friendly people who are far more extroverted than I am.  I'm hoping it will grow me a bit to hang around social people and learn to navigate beyond the hide in my house, keep to myself. Baby steps that looking back seem like giant leaps.

Oh life is good sometimes.

Learning more about me

So I've been talking to someone who rather casually makes me think.  Just off handed comments that I drag into deep thought.

It started with the big one... my name.   I was given a name, I changed it.   Whole lot of hurt and heartache tied up there.   I made a conscious decision to close a chapter of my life and let 'her' be the title.   So essentially she could keep the memories and I could move forward afresh.   Hey, I was 13 and had no one to help me cope, so I found a method that at the time worked rather well.    So now I'm told the name made me who I am.   And the memories flow.  The deep thinking ensues.   Nearly a week later, I came to the terrible conclusion that what I did was the equivalent of abandoning a child with all my pain so I could be free.   Dang.   The upside...  a name that once stiffened my spine whenever I heard it; doesn't anymore.   I needed to survive.   I'm grown now and I own what I did all the same.

As to the name I have, it still feels more 'me' but I think that's partly because I've been carrying that name around for 31 years now and partly because I couldn't hear the other name for the same number of years without pain.

Next big thought...  me.   I often say I'm as old as I am because that's when I was born, as tall as I am because that's when I stopped growing, brown eyed because my mother was, so hey, I am as I am.   Except the standard, I have all the physical flaws.   My weight is not where I'd like it to be and I need to make more time to get out on my bike.   I'll leave out the quote, but it made me go 'huh?'.    So I'm taking a good long look at me and I feel kinder to myself now.  Sure I still want to get out on my bike and it wouldn't hurt me to hit the gym more often. I just don't have to wait for perfect to love how I look.

It's something, talking to a free spirit.   I had to say just the other day that they made me happy simply being. Because I can honestly say I know someone who lives an authentic life and makes it work.  

One day - I want that to be me.   I live a deliberate life, but mostly I've played by the rules, tried to do all the 'right' things in the hope that I'd be (shocker coming) safe.  I'm deliberate but will sacrifice myself all to often to make the world happy.  I live to make it a better world.  People matter.  Those are not trite words.  They are not rhetoric.  They are not drivel that best fit a facebook meme.  They are my deepest desires.   Thing is I'm learning, I'm people too.  

Whole lot of thinking and learning this past week and it feels so good.  

Forward is the only option

You can look back, but you can never travel there.   Forward is the only option. Well standing still is an option too.  It's a temporary option though.

Look back...  learn... forgive...  keep moving forward.   Small steps if you need.  A leap of faith every once in a while.  If you fall short, it's okay.   Pick yourself and know that you tried.  You survived. You are stronger.  Maybe even a little wiser.  Make some good memories.  Memories that make you smile, laugh, blush if you need...  Good Memories.  

Every day is a chance to make a wonderful day.  Note a chance, not a guarantee.  Can't always win that one.  Still if you deliberately try to make wonderful days, I firmly believe you will end up with more wonderful days than if you just sat and hoped for one.  

I'm still feeling a little lost.  That's not always a bad thing though.  If you are lost and don't know it... that's bad.   When you know you are lost, you can find your way home. I'm trying to give myself the time for the journey. The time to take in my surroundings so that I can chart the path back to me.  I expect her to be a different me this time.   It's a feeling or an instinct maybe, I just know that life has changed and with it so must I.

What I think matters...  I forget that sometimes.   It's coming back to the surface though.  I'm an admitted over-thinker.  I listen to people tell me that I over think and sometimes discount my own thoughts in self defense. I need to fight that tendency.    What everyone else thinks isn't irrelevant. Still, it needs to be balanced.