And so it goes...

Well Christmas and New Years have passed...life carries on.

I am at the same crossroads as before... and for the moment, I don't know if I should take one path or the other but standing here is getting me no where. Then again, I realize there is only one path I can 'choose' otherwise I'm just standing here waiting to see if the crossing guard will ever lift on the other path.

Things are quieter, but not better. 

I'm just single parenting three these days. I don't expect that to change any time soon if ever.  The question remains, what am I holding on to and why?

If I look around everyone else has moved on.  I'm re-learning to cook smaller meals, keep up with everything somewhat, and if it breaks, I know it's up to me to figure out how to fix it. 

Ever hopeful, but probably more just a fool am I.

Thanksgiving

Despite the turmoil of my life...  I have things for which I'm quite thankful.  I have my children, our home, a job that enables me to support all of us...  there are many that have less and and deserve more. 

I cooked a turkey and all the usual side dishes, made a pie, the usual.  Matthew stopped by for lunch but left before pie.

It was lovely and sad all at once.

Christmas will likely be just be and the kids.  I can't manage anymore.  I just can't.  I still hope to spend Christmas with him, but it will not be up to me.  Hoping will not make it so.

All of a sudden....

Not so much.

Long time coming - absolutely.

Man asks, why is this so important now.  It's so important to find some serenity in this life, some peace, because I just cannot go on living in between.

Oh and it's holiday time.... holidays are family time.  If I'm not family enough to join him for dinner then so be it, but then how he is family enough to be invited to our home for dinner? 

He's had it both ways most of this year...  and maybe that works for him, but it's destructive to my self-worth. 

I'm left to wonder - if he gets angry when I ask not to live in limbo - and has either option open to him without fault - what does he expect me to do? 

Pointless drivel

I'm an optimist at heart.  It doesn't suit my life, but I've not managed to squelch my true self.

I've found over time though that being an optimist opens me up to being disappointed more often than not.  Being a pessimist would be ideal on a completely theoretical level - you'd have the unexpected "wow" when life is kind.  Still it's not me and clearly not who I'm meant to be.

I'm an emotional person as well.  I wouldn't change it, joy, love, contentment they are all wonderful emotions that I would never feel if I was just cold and didn't feel anything.  Still, I find that many people do not like me to show my emotions unless they are the happy-go-lucky, life good sort of emotions.

Right now, I'd not say life is good.  I have wonderful children for the most part.  Some should be grown and independent, others are just about there and one is just coming out of babyhood and the sunshine of life.  For the grown children - I love them just as they are... even when they make decisions that I don't agree with.  Mostly because that's what I taught them to do.  I wanted them to find out who they are and be that person rather than who anyone else (including me) thought they should be. They've lived up to just that.  They are all independent thinkers if not independent people. That aspect alone is good even when it brings confusion or frustration.  It's welcome because I willed it to be.

I'm at the same crossroad I've been at for nearly eight months.  It shows no sign of being clearer or kinder.  I've always had the option to move on alone, but if I wanted to share this journey with someone I've got to wait... but I'm not necessarily waiting for them to join me.  I'm waiting for them to decide if they even want to travel this path with me at all. Ever the fool am I.

I don't want to stand looking at the closed door so long that I fail to see the one that is open until it too closes.  I don't want to close a door that leads to what I truly want...

So I wait and I wonder and then I wait so more.  I worry that I'm wasting precious time waiting when I should be living... but it doesn't stop me from waiting or spur me to action... it's just a worry that eats at my soul.  Maybe if I was stronger I'd just choose a path and if no one follows, then it will be as it's meant to be.  Maybe if I wasn't so strong, I'd have done that in the spring to spare myself the agony of the months past.

I'll never be the damsel in distress. My childhood taught me to survive.  I'll never be cold as ice. It's just not my nature.  So maybe I'm just too strong to give anyone the desire to protect me from pain and too weak to protect myself. 

Ever the conundrum... that would be me.

As 2010 draws closer to an end... I need draw up what strength I have to face the year to come...  I have to do it for my kids if not myself. They have lived to long in the shadow of my life's failures.

Come what may...

The beauty is... no one ever asks me

and thus no one ever knows...


What do I think...  hmmm  what am  I allowed to say?   Not much that doesn't get me yelled at. 

How do you feel about...  and who would listen?   and those who claim to listen, do you really care about how "I" feel or do you just want to measure against what you would feel?

My opinions, thoughts and feelings... irrelevant.  Don't believe me,  walk a day in my shoes.   It's all too true, all to pointless. 


and at the end of the day...

I don't know why I bother, except that I am driven to keep trying and driven to do the best by my kids.  Whatever it takes.

That is who I am.

It's not quite what I'd call "life is good" but it's been a whole lot worse.

My new job is great!  I work in a building filled with people I've worked with years ago.  Some of them I've not seen in 5 years or more.  Every day I see someone that remembers me. Most of them I liked before.  My manager is outspoken, knows her stuff and I think I'm really going to like working for her. 

My birthday was a few weeks ago and my gift arrived just today - Matthew bought me a new iphone.  I've had a 3g since Zachy was born and I've loved it... the new one is even better.

The home life is still only half what it aught to be, but I  get lunch most days, dinner several nights a week and while I know I can't keep this up forever, I'll manage as long as I can. 

Zachy is a happy little man who's learned new words, makes me laugh every day all while he is heading deep into the terrible two's at just 21 months.

so life is getting there....

Wishing won't make it so

Not that I expected it to....

What is... just is.  What is meant to be - darned if I know.  What could be - infinite possibilities.  What I'm supposed to do...  That is where I am right now.  I have no answer. 

I know what I want.  It's not my decision though.  If I just knew that it was possible or impossible - then i could make other choices... 

I've always said life was a 'choose your own adventure'.  I'm learning that sometimes it's not your choice and adventure is just a nice way of saying sequence of events you must survive.

Is it too much to want to be happy?  Probably not, but do I deserve it?  I'd like to think so.  Reality is however, that I'm allowed to be content for just so long before the choices not mine leave me bereft of any shred of happiness. 

Alone I ponder many things. 

Answers not forthcoming...