Work/Life/Not So happy Post...
For whatever reason I've spent most of my life waiting... punctuated with breathing when waiting became overwhelming. The goal - Living.
I waited for the fighting to stop. I waited for particular days, events, storms to pass.
In between I taught myself to breathe.
I've always wanted to just live.
Yesterday was a hard day. I rose to the occasion. I held back most of what I wanted to say. Learned that what I know I should keep to myself. Learned that in the end it will always be my fault. It will be my fault if it happens and shouldn't. It will be my fault if it should happen and doesn't. It will be my fault if some thing I have zero control over happens and I knew it was coming and tried to warn my team. It will be my fault if I know and don't warn them.
So maybe, just maybe if I'd going to be burned at the stake- I should just take the second path. Not tell them as it will not lessen the verbal assault. Note to self - your penchant for over communicating is not to your benefit at this time.
Then when I finally wrapped up the work day - I had to rush home. I'd sent Zach to school with the wrong colored jacket. Thursday it should have been red. So Friday I put him in red. No it should have been black. Okay - my mistake. I was using outdated expectations. Traded jackets and he was a sleep so I couldn't even say hi/bye to him.
Then wait. Friday night. Make no plans. Just wait. Wait some more. The silly project manager in me needs a plan. The world I live in has no plans. I could have done three different things. Instead I cleaned my house (not the worst back up to back up plan). Still, had I known how it was going to turn out - I probably would have ventured out with the second plan or even the third.
Ironically that second plan taught me to make no plans. To wait. To hope. To let go. To accept alone.
Someone once told me to change the plan, you have to have a plan. Being adaptable is one thing. Bending with the wind of everyone else's whims and never having a plan of your own - is not being adaptable - it's being a door mat.
Long ago there was a post about that. Not going back there today.
Live... it's time. To stop walking on egg shells. To stop waiting for other people. To just go as I am because that is what I have; that is what I can count on; that is what I always end up doing and never really wanted to do.
Change what you can. Accept what you can't. Keep moving forward. Goodness knows the world is not waiting for me.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
That was then... this is now
Darker post than usual... happens sometimes.
I used to be a cornerstone in my family... I hosted all the family dinners. I was the one you called when you needed money or bailed out of jail... Needed advice? Yeah call her. Need someone to help you move? Call her. Needed someone to fix your computer. That was me. I reveled in it for the most part. When they didn't need me they didn't call me. When they didn't call me, I felt like I wasn't a member of my own family. When I was the 'go to' person it made me feel valuable. I always knew, if I needed something - I was all I had. It just took me a long time to realize I was the family toaster.
See if you've got a toaster - you probably don't think about it much. When it burns your toast, you hate it. When it doesn't work, you hate it. If it pops up beautiful golden brown toast... you pick up your toast and walk away leaving only crumbs to indicate the toaster was valuable in the moment.
So I created distance. It didn't save my marriage of course... but it did save me.
Sometimes it feels like want me to take up the job again. I don't know that I'm willing to sacrifice my life all over again for people who don't seem to want me unless I'm handing out money or food. There was one amazing man who took over my old role... he has done all that I did and maybe even more. All for people who were not his responsibility. There is a good bit of guilt when I think about how he picked up where I left off and what did this family give him in return?
My nieces and nephews - if they need me, I'm a phone call away. They were the people who sat in my kitchen while I cooked those family dinners. They were always happy to see me and didn't just ask for gifts. They would let me sit in on their games. They scrolled through my music collection and approved... Everyone else... too many times they took and gave nothing in return but heartache.
Except the extended family never got the memo. So when someone wants to call my dad... they call me and ask for his number. I didn't have it this time. My sister does. Will she forward it along though? Sure. Send it to me and I can get it to my uncle.
So I call my Uncle and am such a coward - I didn't clue him in that I've not seen my Dad in five years. I don't tell him I had to get it from my sister. I just made sure he's has the right number and knows that I'm doing just fine.
I used to be a cornerstone in my family... I hosted all the family dinners. I was the one you called when you needed money or bailed out of jail... Needed advice? Yeah call her. Need someone to help you move? Call her. Needed someone to fix your computer. That was me. I reveled in it for the most part. When they didn't need me they didn't call me. When they didn't call me, I felt like I wasn't a member of my own family. When I was the 'go to' person it made me feel valuable. I always knew, if I needed something - I was all I had. It just took me a long time to realize I was the family toaster.
See if you've got a toaster - you probably don't think about it much. When it burns your toast, you hate it. When it doesn't work, you hate it. If it pops up beautiful golden brown toast... you pick up your toast and walk away leaving only crumbs to indicate the toaster was valuable in the moment.
So I created distance. It didn't save my marriage of course... but it did save me.
Sometimes it feels like want me to take up the job again. I don't know that I'm willing to sacrifice my life all over again for people who don't seem to want me unless I'm handing out money or food. There was one amazing man who took over my old role... he has done all that I did and maybe even more. All for people who were not his responsibility. There is a good bit of guilt when I think about how he picked up where I left off and what did this family give him in return?
My nieces and nephews - if they need me, I'm a phone call away. They were the people who sat in my kitchen while I cooked those family dinners. They were always happy to see me and didn't just ask for gifts. They would let me sit in on their games. They scrolled through my music collection and approved... Everyone else... too many times they took and gave nothing in return but heartache.
Except the extended family never got the memo. So when someone wants to call my dad... they call me and ask for his number. I didn't have it this time. My sister does. Will she forward it along though? Sure. Send it to me and I can get it to my uncle.
So I call my Uncle and am such a coward - I didn't clue him in that I've not seen my Dad in five years. I don't tell him I had to get it from my sister. I just made sure he's has the right number and knows that I'm doing just fine.
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