Despite the turmoil of my life... I have things for which I'm quite thankful. I have my children, our home, a job that enables me to support all of us... there are many that have less and and deserve more.
I cooked a turkey and all the usual side dishes, made a pie, the usual. Matthew stopped by for lunch but left before pie.
It was lovely and sad all at once.
Christmas will likely be just be and the kids. I can't manage anymore. I just can't. I still hope to spend Christmas with him, but it will not be up to me. Hoping will not make it so.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
All of a sudden....
Not so much.
Long time coming - absolutely.
Man asks, why is this so important now. It's so important to find some serenity in this life, some peace, because I just cannot go on living in between.
Oh and it's holiday time.... holidays are family time. If I'm not family enough to join him for dinner then so be it, but then how he is family enough to be invited to our home for dinner?
He's had it both ways most of this year... and maybe that works for him, but it's destructive to my self-worth.
I'm left to wonder - if he gets angry when I ask not to live in limbo - and has either option open to him without fault - what does he expect me to do?
Long time coming - absolutely.
Man asks, why is this so important now. It's so important to find some serenity in this life, some peace, because I just cannot go on living in between.
Oh and it's holiday time.... holidays are family time. If I'm not family enough to join him for dinner then so be it, but then how he is family enough to be invited to our home for dinner?
He's had it both ways most of this year... and maybe that works for him, but it's destructive to my self-worth.
I'm left to wonder - if he gets angry when I ask not to live in limbo - and has either option open to him without fault - what does he expect me to do?
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Pointless drivel
I'm an optimist at heart. It doesn't suit my life, but I've not managed to squelch my true self.
I've found over time though that being an optimist opens me up to being disappointed more often than not. Being a pessimist would be ideal on a completely theoretical level - you'd have the unexpected "wow" when life is kind. Still it's not me and clearly not who I'm meant to be.
I'm an emotional person as well. I wouldn't change it, joy, love, contentment they are all wonderful emotions that I would never feel if I was just cold and didn't feel anything. Still, I find that many people do not like me to show my emotions unless they are the happy-go-lucky, life good sort of emotions.
Right now, I'd not say life is good. I have wonderful children for the most part. Some should be grown and independent, others are just about there and one is just coming out of babyhood and the sunshine of life. For the grown children - I love them just as they are... even when they make decisions that I don't agree with. Mostly because that's what I taught them to do. I wanted them to find out who they are and be that person rather than who anyone else (including me) thought they should be. They've lived up to just that. They are all independent thinkers if not independent people. That aspect alone is good even when it brings confusion or frustration. It's welcome because I willed it to be.
I'm at the same crossroad I've been at for nearly eight months. It shows no sign of being clearer or kinder. I've always had the option to move on alone, but if I wanted to share this journey with someone I've got to wait... but I'm not necessarily waiting for them to join me. I'm waiting for them to decide if they even want to travel this path with me at all. Ever the fool am I.
I don't want to stand looking at the closed door so long that I fail to see the one that is open until it too closes. I don't want to close a door that leads to what I truly want...
So I wait and I wonder and then I wait so more. I worry that I'm wasting precious time waiting when I should be living... but it doesn't stop me from waiting or spur me to action... it's just a worry that eats at my soul. Maybe if I was stronger I'd just choose a path and if no one follows, then it will be as it's meant to be. Maybe if I wasn't so strong, I'd have done that in the spring to spare myself the agony of the months past.
I'll never be the damsel in distress. My childhood taught me to survive. I'll never be cold as ice. It's just not my nature. So maybe I'm just too strong to give anyone the desire to protect me from pain and too weak to protect myself.
Ever the conundrum... that would be me.
As 2010 draws closer to an end... I need draw up what strength I have to face the year to come... I have to do it for my kids if not myself. They have lived to long in the shadow of my life's failures.
Come what may...
I've found over time though that being an optimist opens me up to being disappointed more often than not. Being a pessimist would be ideal on a completely theoretical level - you'd have the unexpected "wow" when life is kind. Still it's not me and clearly not who I'm meant to be.
I'm an emotional person as well. I wouldn't change it, joy, love, contentment they are all wonderful emotions that I would never feel if I was just cold and didn't feel anything. Still, I find that many people do not like me to show my emotions unless they are the happy-go-lucky, life good sort of emotions.
Right now, I'd not say life is good. I have wonderful children for the most part. Some should be grown and independent, others are just about there and one is just coming out of babyhood and the sunshine of life. For the grown children - I love them just as they are... even when they make decisions that I don't agree with. Mostly because that's what I taught them to do. I wanted them to find out who they are and be that person rather than who anyone else (including me) thought they should be. They've lived up to just that. They are all independent thinkers if not independent people. That aspect alone is good even when it brings confusion or frustration. It's welcome because I willed it to be.
I'm at the same crossroad I've been at for nearly eight months. It shows no sign of being clearer or kinder. I've always had the option to move on alone, but if I wanted to share this journey with someone I've got to wait... but I'm not necessarily waiting for them to join me. I'm waiting for them to decide if they even want to travel this path with me at all. Ever the fool am I.
I don't want to stand looking at the closed door so long that I fail to see the one that is open until it too closes. I don't want to close a door that leads to what I truly want...
So I wait and I wonder and then I wait so more. I worry that I'm wasting precious time waiting when I should be living... but it doesn't stop me from waiting or spur me to action... it's just a worry that eats at my soul. Maybe if I was stronger I'd just choose a path and if no one follows, then it will be as it's meant to be. Maybe if I wasn't so strong, I'd have done that in the spring to spare myself the agony of the months past.
I'll never be the damsel in distress. My childhood taught me to survive. I'll never be cold as ice. It's just not my nature. So maybe I'm just too strong to give anyone the desire to protect me from pain and too weak to protect myself.
Ever the conundrum... that would be me.
As 2010 draws closer to an end... I need draw up what strength I have to face the year to come... I have to do it for my kids if not myself. They have lived to long in the shadow of my life's failures.
Come what may...
Monday, October 11, 2010
The beauty is... no one ever asks me
and thus no one ever knows...
What do I think... hmmm what am I allowed to say? Not much that doesn't get me yelled at.
How do you feel about... and who would listen? and those who claim to listen, do you really care about how "I" feel or do you just want to measure against what you would feel?
My opinions, thoughts and feelings... irrelevant. Don't believe me, walk a day in my shoes. It's all too true, all to pointless.
and at the end of the day...
I don't know why I bother, except that I am driven to keep trying and driven to do the best by my kids. Whatever it takes.
That is who I am.
What do I think... hmmm what am I allowed to say? Not much that doesn't get me yelled at.
How do you feel about... and who would listen? and those who claim to listen, do you really care about how "I" feel or do you just want to measure against what you would feel?
My opinions, thoughts and feelings... irrelevant. Don't believe me, walk a day in my shoes. It's all too true, all to pointless.
and at the end of the day...
I don't know why I bother, except that I am driven to keep trying and driven to do the best by my kids. Whatever it takes.
That is who I am.
Friday, July 9, 2010
It's not quite what I'd call "life is good" but it's been a whole lot worse.
My new job is great! I work in a building filled with people I've worked with years ago. Some of them I've not seen in 5 years or more. Every day I see someone that remembers me. Most of them I liked before. My manager is outspoken, knows her stuff and I think I'm really going to like working for her.
My birthday was a few weeks ago and my gift arrived just today - Matthew bought me a new iphone. I've had a 3g since Zachy was born and I've loved it... the new one is even better.
The home life is still only half what it aught to be, but I get lunch most days, dinner several nights a week and while I know I can't keep this up forever, I'll manage as long as I can.
Zachy is a happy little man who's learned new words, makes me laugh every day all while he is heading deep into the terrible two's at just 21 months.
so life is getting there....
My birthday was a few weeks ago and my gift arrived just today - Matthew bought me a new iphone. I've had a 3g since Zachy was born and I've loved it... the new one is even better.
The home life is still only half what it aught to be, but I get lunch most days, dinner several nights a week and while I know I can't keep this up forever, I'll manage as long as I can.
Zachy is a happy little man who's learned new words, makes me laugh every day all while he is heading deep into the terrible two's at just 21 months.
so life is getting there....
Friday, July 2, 2010
Wishing won't make it so
Not that I expected it to....
What is... just is. What is meant to be - darned if I know. What could be - infinite possibilities. What I'm supposed to do... That is where I am right now. I have no answer.
I know what I want. It's not my decision though. If I just knew that it was possible or impossible - then i could make other choices...
I've always said life was a 'choose your own adventure'. I'm learning that sometimes it's not your choice and adventure is just a nice way of saying sequence of events you must survive.
Is it too much to want to be happy? Probably not, but do I deserve it? I'd like to think so. Reality is however, that I'm allowed to be content for just so long before the choices not mine leave me bereft of any shred of happiness.
Alone I ponder many things.
Answers not forthcoming...
What is... just is. What is meant to be - darned if I know. What could be - infinite possibilities. What I'm supposed to do... That is where I am right now. I have no answer.
I know what I want. It's not my decision though. If I just knew that it was possible or impossible - then i could make other choices...
I've always said life was a 'choose your own adventure'. I'm learning that sometimes it's not your choice and adventure is just a nice way of saying sequence of events you must survive.
Is it too much to want to be happy? Probably not, but do I deserve it? I'd like to think so. Reality is however, that I'm allowed to be content for just so long before the choices not mine leave me bereft of any shred of happiness.
Alone I ponder many things.
Answers not forthcoming...
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Wouldn't you know...
If it's my news.. it's the deepest, darkest, bad secret in the world.
I'm still supposed to be keeping my job change a secret. My current team won't know until tomorrow maybe... or we could just keep putting it off. I'm not supposed to talk about it like it's a promotion. I should keep that low key so my team mates aren't upset. Okay, so keep it low key. Got it. I'll pretend I just got transferred to work in the salt mines of Siberia - that work for ya? But hey, I can keep it even lower key. Let's just not tell anyone. Yeah.. that the ticket!
and then I'm asked aren't you excited??? I'd be over the moon!
Well... let me check that. I'm supposed to be excited, keep it a secret, and downplay that it's a promotion.
Yep, sucked all the joy out of that news.
Like my life these days is just so filled with joyous news that I want to share.
Nope, not so much.
I'm still supposed to be keeping my job change a secret. My current team won't know until tomorrow maybe... or we could just keep putting it off. I'm not supposed to talk about it like it's a promotion. I should keep that low key so my team mates aren't upset. Okay, so keep it low key. Got it. I'll pretend I just got transferred to work in the salt mines of Siberia - that work for ya? But hey, I can keep it even lower key. Let's just not tell anyone. Yeah.. that the ticket!
and then I'm asked aren't you excited??? I'd be over the moon!
Well... let me check that. I'm supposed to be excited, keep it a secret, and downplay that it's a promotion.
Yep, sucked all the joy out of that news.
Like my life these days is just so filled with joyous news that I want to share.
Nope, not so much.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
I'm changing jobs...
It's on the one hand a HUGE change... and on the other... I'm still working for the same company.
I'll move my desk to a different building two miles closer to home, and I'll leave the division where I've worked for the last 7 years... I've worked in various areas of the great wally world... now I'm embarking on yet a new adventure.
I'm nervous and thrilled at the same time.
I'll not carry a pager and spend a week every other month surviving on half an hour of sleep. No more day pager slowness call hostage situation. I'll walk away from "systems programmer" and become a project manager.
I know little about my new area beyond the idea that I'll facilitate meetings, I'll understand the lingo of both my old division and my new customer area. I'll make things happen... I'll bring my A-game and I'll give it my all.
I'll move my desk to a different building two miles closer to home, and I'll leave the division where I've worked for the last 7 years... I've worked in various areas of the great wally world... now I'm embarking on yet a new adventure.
I'm nervous and thrilled at the same time.
I'll not carry a pager and spend a week every other month surviving on half an hour of sleep. No more day pager slowness call hostage situation. I'll walk away from "systems programmer" and become a project manager.
I know little about my new area beyond the idea that I'll facilitate meetings, I'll understand the lingo of both my old division and my new customer area. I'll make things happen... I'll bring my A-game and I'll give it my all.
Monday, May 24, 2010
I'm holding onto the thinnest strand of hope...
and I don't want to let go.
It hurts more than anything though. If I just let go, will the pain lessen? If I hold on will it ever be whole?
Am I destined to live in the shadow of a life?
Did I forget that the minute you settle for less than you deserve... you'll have less than you settled for? Or maybe I just thought I deserve more that I really do.
It hurts more than anything though. If I just let go, will the pain lessen? If I hold on will it ever be whole?
Am I destined to live in the shadow of a life?
Did I forget that the minute you settle for less than you deserve... you'll have less than you settled for? Or maybe I just thought I deserve more that I really do.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
When you spend 14 hours of your weekend
catering a wedding you weren't even invited to... there must be more to the story.
And there is.
I spent the day before working on the same wedding too. (only about 5 hours)
Sadly, I don't think the story dictates the ending. Instead, I'm pretty sure the ending is just illustrates that I want the world to work out better for others than it has for me. Nolie tried to make my wedding nice for me, so I worked my tush off to make her sister's wedding wonderful for everyone else. (even the people who wanted me to fall off the face of the earth)
On the other hand, with three days notice I can not only move a family of four almost three hundred miles, but apparently I can cater a wedding. Tired though I was when it was over... even depressed beyond words... I was at least proud of the effort I put into making it a good day for Julie.
One day, could someone tell me I did okay? Otherwise I'm pretty sure, I was the best awful wedding coordinator/caterer that ever existed.... un-contracted or otherwise. And yet I gave it my best and I was for a moment sure... it was even better than my own wedding reception...
At least it was love filled from the word go.... would that love filled the world for a moment longer and I could just revel in it....
I want her to be happy and loved forever.... but truthfully, I'd like to be happy and loved forever too.... I'm just more hopeful for her than me. Life is just never that kind to me when it comes to marriage...
I have wonderful children who I love and sometimes love me back so I should not complain, I"m luckier than others... and feel guilty daily for it.
did anyone ever notice I'm a strange mix between gratitude and guilt.... if I ever make it out on my own.... I should have a company called GtoG and never tell anyone it doesn't mean goood to go... but instead... guilt to gratitude and see what works out.
./sigh
And there is.
I spent the day before working on the same wedding too. (only about 5 hours)
Sadly, I don't think the story dictates the ending. Instead, I'm pretty sure the ending is just illustrates that I want the world to work out better for others than it has for me. Nolie tried to make my wedding nice for me, so I worked my tush off to make her sister's wedding wonderful for everyone else. (even the people who wanted me to fall off the face of the earth)
On the other hand, with three days notice I can not only move a family of four almost three hundred miles, but apparently I can cater a wedding. Tired though I was when it was over... even depressed beyond words... I was at least proud of the effort I put into making it a good day for Julie.
One day, could someone tell me I did okay? Otherwise I'm pretty sure, I was the best awful wedding coordinator/caterer that ever existed.... un-contracted or otherwise. And yet I gave it my best and I was for a moment sure... it was even better than my own wedding reception...
At least it was love filled from the word go.... would that love filled the world for a moment longer and I could just revel in it....
I want her to be happy and loved forever.... but truthfully, I'd like to be happy and loved forever too.... I'm just more hopeful for her than me. Life is just never that kind to me when it comes to marriage...
I have wonderful children who I love and sometimes love me back so I should not complain, I"m luckier than others... and feel guilty daily for it.
did anyone ever notice I'm a strange mix between gratitude and guilt.... if I ever make it out on my own.... I should have a company called GtoG and never tell anyone it doesn't mean goood to go... but instead... guilt to gratitude and see what works out.
./sigh
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