Learning more about me

So I've been talking to someone who rather casually makes me think.  Just off handed comments that I drag into deep thought.

It started with the big one... my name.   I was given a name, I changed it.   Whole lot of hurt and heartache tied up there.   I made a conscious decision to close a chapter of my life and let 'her' be the title.   So essentially she could keep the memories and I could move forward afresh.   Hey, I was 13 and had no one to help me cope, so I found a method that at the time worked rather well.    So now I'm told the name made me who I am.   And the memories flow.  The deep thinking ensues.   Nearly a week later, I came to the terrible conclusion that what I did was the equivalent of abandoning a child with all my pain so I could be free.   Dang.   The upside...  a name that once stiffened my spine whenever I heard it; doesn't anymore.   I needed to survive.   I'm grown now and I own what I did all the same.

As to the name I have, it still feels more 'me' but I think that's partly because I've been carrying that name around for 31 years now and partly because I couldn't hear the other name for the same number of years without pain.

Next big thought...  me.   I often say I'm as old as I am because that's when I was born, as tall as I am because that's when I stopped growing, brown eyed because my mother was, so hey, I am as I am.   Except the standard, I have all the physical flaws.   My weight is not where I'd like it to be and I need to make more time to get out on my bike.   I'll leave out the quote, but it made me go 'huh?'.    So I'm taking a good long look at me and I feel kinder to myself now.  Sure I still want to get out on my bike and it wouldn't hurt me to hit the gym more often. I just don't have to wait for perfect to love how I look.

It's something, talking to a free spirit.   I had to say just the other day that they made me happy simply being. Because I can honestly say I know someone who lives an authentic life and makes it work.  

One day - I want that to be me.   I live a deliberate life, but mostly I've played by the rules, tried to do all the 'right' things in the hope that I'd be (shocker coming) safe.  I'm deliberate but will sacrifice myself all to often to make the world happy.  I live to make it a better world.  People matter.  Those are not trite words.  They are not rhetoric.  They are not drivel that best fit a facebook meme.  They are my deepest desires.   Thing is I'm learning, I'm people too.  

Whole lot of thinking and learning this past week and it feels so good.  

Forward is the only option

You can look back, but you can never travel there.   Forward is the only option. Well standing still is an option too.  It's a temporary option though.

Look back...  learn... forgive...  keep moving forward.   Small steps if you need.  A leap of faith every once in a while.  If you fall short, it's okay.   Pick yourself and know that you tried.  You survived. You are stronger.  Maybe even a little wiser.  Make some good memories.  Memories that make you smile, laugh, blush if you need...  Good Memories.  

Every day is a chance to make a wonderful day.  Note a chance, not a guarantee.  Can't always win that one.  Still if you deliberately try to make wonderful days, I firmly believe you will end up with more wonderful days than if you just sat and hoped for one.  

I'm still feeling a little lost.  That's not always a bad thing though.  If you are lost and don't know it... that's bad.   When you know you are lost, you can find your way home. I'm trying to give myself the time for the journey. The time to take in my surroundings so that I can chart the path back to me.  I expect her to be a different me this time.   It's a feeling or an instinct maybe, I just know that life has changed and with it so must I.

What I think matters...  I forget that sometimes.   It's coming back to the surface though.  I'm an admitted over-thinker.  I listen to people tell me that I over think and sometimes discount my own thoughts in self defense. I need to fight that tendency.    What everyone else thinks isn't irrelevant. Still, it needs to be balanced.

They Say Happiness is a Choice

For the most part I tend to agree.  It's not that you can choose to be happy every moment of every day... Only that other emotions can be worked through to allow happiness to bloom. Life has handed me moments.  Some are wonderful while others are not. I treasure the good ones and face the not so good ones with hope that there is something positive to be gleaned from every moment.

This past work week has been stressful. Too much to get done and not enough time. It's over and  done now though, so I choose to let it go. There a new week ahead that I can face Monday. Right now I can choose to make the best of my weekend.

It was noted that I 're-set' quickly. I don't know that I do, only that I'm unwilling to waste time on negative thoughts. I'll give those thoughts only enough time to understand them so I can let them go. Life is too short.

There is happiness all around us, we just have to be willing to let it shine and even in the rain - embrace all that is good in the world we live in.

No Pollyanna here - life will be hard sometimes, it's okay to be honest about it.  It's not okay to drown in it.

Well then...

It's been a while. For the last two years nothing really changed. Of course that's from only one perspective.  On the flip side a whole lot changed. Same job though I've been through five different managers, three peers, three reorganizations. I'm the lone constant.

2014 was a rough year. Last May was a month of graduations and then there was one... Over the summer Emily went to live with her dad.  Calvin moved to Fayetteville for college. So there was just Zachy left at home.  In October Bryan moved back home.  He plans to move back out in May. I got to see most of the kids for the holidays.  Had quite the New Year's Eve driving Sebastian back to St. Louis (sounded better before we set out on the journey).  12 hours driving in Missouri that I'm not likely to attempt as a single trip again.  All the times I drive straight through to Denver and I thought eh, the drive would be fine.

Then... It was 2015. After five years of seemingly amicable separation he filed for divorce and took a mystery trip to Phoenix for valentines weekend. (Or as I'd come to refer to it - singles awareness day).

I saw my eldest sister for the first time in years.  I wish I could say it went well.  My family could go by the TNT tag line because we know drama.  I don't know what to say or do there.  I've still not seen my dad. I don't know that I can do it.

There is joy in my life. Zachy is  a sweet little boy,  he brings sunshine to my days. He's learned to read and loves books. As someone who doesn't remember not being able to read, it's wonderful to share the love of reading.

Work is the same yada yada of years past and not something I want to write about now.

I'm  building a bridge to a better place - it's coming along fine  for now.  Let's see where the journey takes me.

Alone with my thoughts....

I spend a lot of time just me and the li'l man...  and in that time...  I'm alone with my thoughts.  I have come to realized I'm alone like this more than not. Besides being at work and in class most of the time of course. So I think.  I don't want to think.  I just can't seem to clear my head.

I've been home for spring break and it's been good all things considered.  I cooked a whole lot, all the kid's favorites.  Had all five of them home for dinner one night too.  I love time with my munchkins. 

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it.  Too much stress there right now.   Nothing I can write about... nothing I want to write about for that matter. 

I'm working the three to five year plan.  I will finish grad school this time.  I'm less sure what then next strategy is after that.  I was supposed to know more just a few weeks ago. The day passed and when asked, it wasn't open for any discussion.  No decisions.  Just pretend it's all good and don't speak of it.  I'm not good at that.  Or rather, I'm learning to not speak of it and the silence allows others to believe it's all good - but in the silence it feels as if I'm fading away from myself.  Not living in the moment, but instead watching my life happen as if I were no more than an onlooker.  To the onlooker I'm doing a darn fine job of pretending it's all good and I'm certainly not speaking of what aches in my heart. 

They always say if you want life to be different - make it different.  That's so easy to say.  Beyond me how you really put it into action right now.

It just might be time for a change...

I don't know how big is enough, but something needs to change. 

I'm starting back to grad school in just four weeks.  That's a change, but not what I'm thinking is going to be enough to calm what I feel. 

It's like I've lived the last two years in limbo and I'm not dead yet. 

I'm not dead.

I'm just not living in the moment I'm in. 

I don't want to keep living like life is yet to come.

Life is here and now.  I'm here and now.  I need to feel in this moment like I've got some value and maybe I'm the only person who thinks I've got value, but that's one more person that believed in me for the last two years.

I have the courage of my convictions.  I keep promises even when the people I've made those promises to don't keep theirs. My children are everything to me.  They will always be everything to me. 

People are everything to me. 

I don't expect or even want perfection.  I want honesty.  I don't expect it.  I hope for it.  Sometimes I get it, often I don't. But I still believe in people. 

I do a lot of forgiving, maybe too much forgetting, and maybe not near enough. So I've got to just keep believing that as I am is good enough for something if not someone. 

One day, I will look back and this will all makes sense... maybe not the external why, but for all that is holy - one day I need to know the internal why. 

Too much, not enough...

This thought could go several different ways.  I have too much to accomplish and not near enough time to get it all done. 

Work...  yada yada (it's just not worth the effort to pour it all out)

Home...  Calvin's graduation is a month away.  I would not say we are remotely prepared.  Mostly due to work getting in the way, but not entirely.  I need to find time to get the last of the paperwork to the University so he can be officially accepted.  Then there's the whole find him a car... license... insurance.  Oh yeah and getting him to the rehearsal, not letting others get me down. 

Then there's the whole relationship thing...  too much hurt, not enough hope.

Then there's me.  Too much everyone else, no time, thought, effort, etc for me.

Not even enough time for this blog....

Maybe later...