It's not quite what I'd call "life is good" but it's been a whole lot worse.

My new job is great!  I work in a building filled with people I've worked with years ago.  Some of them I've not seen in 5 years or more.  Every day I see someone that remembers me. Most of them I liked before.  My manager is outspoken, knows her stuff and I think I'm really going to like working for her. 

My birthday was a few weeks ago and my gift arrived just today - Matthew bought me a new iphone.  I've had a 3g since Zachy was born and I've loved it... the new one is even better.

The home life is still only half what it aught to be, but I  get lunch most days, dinner several nights a week and while I know I can't keep this up forever, I'll manage as long as I can. 

Zachy is a happy little man who's learned new words, makes me laugh every day all while he is heading deep into the terrible two's at just 21 months.

so life is getting there....

Wishing won't make it so

Not that I expected it to....

What is... just is.  What is meant to be - darned if I know.  What could be - infinite possibilities.  What I'm supposed to do...  That is where I am right now.  I have no answer. 

I know what I want.  It's not my decision though.  If I just knew that it was possible or impossible - then i could make other choices... 

I've always said life was a 'choose your own adventure'.  I'm learning that sometimes it's not your choice and adventure is just a nice way of saying sequence of events you must survive.

Is it too much to want to be happy?  Probably not, but do I deserve it?  I'd like to think so.  Reality is however, that I'm allowed to be content for just so long before the choices not mine leave me bereft of any shred of happiness. 

Alone I ponder many things. 

Answers not forthcoming... 

Wouldn't you know...

If it's my  news.. it's the deepest, darkest, bad secret in the world.

I'm still supposed to be keeping my job change a secret.  My current team won't know until tomorrow maybe... or we could just keep putting it off.   I'm not supposed to talk about it like it's a promotion.  I should keep that low key so my team mates aren't upset.   Okay, so keep it low key.  Got it.  I'll pretend I just got transferred to work in the salt mines of Siberia - that work for ya?  But hey, I can keep it even lower key.  Let's just not tell anyone.  Yeah.. that the ticket!

and then I'm asked aren't you excited???  I'd be over the moon!

Well... let me check that.  I'm supposed to be excited, keep it a secret, and downplay that it's a promotion.

Yep, sucked all the joy out of that news.

Like my life these days is just so filled with joyous news that I want to share.

Nope, not so much.

I'm changing jobs...

It's on the one hand a HUGE change...  and on the other...  I'm still working for the same company.

I'll move my desk to a different building two miles closer to home, and I'll leave the division where I've worked for the last 7 years...  I've worked in various areas of the great wally world...  now I'm embarking on yet a new adventure.

I'm nervous and thrilled at the same time.

I'll not carry a pager and spend a week every other month surviving on half an hour of sleep. No more day pager slowness call hostage situation.  I'll walk away from "systems programmer" and become a project manager.

I know little about my new area beyond the idea that I'll facilitate meetings, I'll understand the lingo of both my old division and my new customer area. I'll make things happen...  I'll bring my A-game and I'll give it my all. 

I'm holding onto the thinnest strand of hope...

and I don't want to let go. 

It hurts more than anything though.  If I just let go, will the pain lessen?  If I hold on will it ever be whole? 


Am I destined to live in the shadow of a life? 



Did I forget that the minute you settle for less than you deserve... you'll have less than you settled for?  Or maybe I just thought I deserve more that I really do. 

When you spend 14 hours of your weekend

catering a wedding you weren't even invited to... there must be more to the story.

And there is.

I spent the day before working on the same wedding too. (only about 5 hours)

Sadly, I don't think the story dictates the ending. Instead, I'm pretty sure the ending is just illustrates that I want the world to work out better for others than it has for me. Nolie tried to make my wedding nice for me, so I worked my tush off to make her sister's wedding wonderful for everyone else. (even the people who wanted me to fall off the face of the earth)

On the other hand, with three days notice I can not only move a family of four almost three hundred miles, but apparently I can cater a wedding. Tired though I was when it was over... even depressed beyond words... I was at least proud of the effort I put into making it a good day for Julie.

One day, could someone tell me I did okay? Otherwise I'm pretty sure, I was the best awful wedding coordinator/caterer that ever existed.... un-contracted or otherwise. And yet I gave it my best and I was for a moment sure... it was even better than my own wedding reception...

At least it was love filled from the word go.... would that love filled the world for a moment longer and I could just revel in it....

I want her to be happy and loved forever.... but truthfully, I'd like to be happy and loved forever too.... I'm just more hopeful for her than me. Life is just never that kind to me when it comes to marriage...

I have wonderful children who I love and sometimes love me back so I should not complain, I"m luckier than others... and feel guilty daily for it.

did anyone ever notice I'm a strange mix between gratitude and guilt.... if I ever make it out on my own.... I should have a company called GtoG and never tell anyone it doesn't mean goood to go... but instead... guilt to gratitude and see what works out.




./sigh

Surgery done

I do so like the doctor who put in Zachary's tubes. He was gentle and kind and patient, answered my questions and made sure I felt comfortable before they took the little guy back.

Honestly, I don't know enough about how it's done elsewhere, but the part where they don't intubate, they don't put in an iv, but just use a small mask with anesthesia and he woke up within minutes of them taking it off, made it more bearable.

Years ago, the same doctor removed a benign vascular hemangioma from the back of Emily's head and he was just as wonderful then. They did have to intubate back then for that and it was three hours before I got my 11 month old back. I forgot how much fear there is when you hand over your child and put your trust in in medicine. When you chose the best doctors you can though, it's less frightening.

Rather than being cranky as was expected... he's just been bouncing off the walls...