When you spend 14 hours of your weekend

catering a wedding you weren't even invited to... there must be more to the story.

And there is.

I spent the day before working on the same wedding too. (only about 5 hours)

Sadly, I don't think the story dictates the ending. Instead, I'm pretty sure the ending is just illustrates that I want the world to work out better for others than it has for me. Nolie tried to make my wedding nice for me, so I worked my tush off to make her sister's wedding wonderful for everyone else. (even the people who wanted me to fall off the face of the earth)

On the other hand, with three days notice I can not only move a family of four almost three hundred miles, but apparently I can cater a wedding. Tired though I was when it was over... even depressed beyond words... I was at least proud of the effort I put into making it a good day for Julie.

One day, could someone tell me I did okay? Otherwise I'm pretty sure, I was the best awful wedding coordinator/caterer that ever existed.... un-contracted or otherwise. And yet I gave it my best and I was for a moment sure... it was even better than my own wedding reception...

At least it was love filled from the word go.... would that love filled the world for a moment longer and I could just revel in it....

I want her to be happy and loved forever.... but truthfully, I'd like to be happy and loved forever too.... I'm just more hopeful for her than me. Life is just never that kind to me when it comes to marriage...

I have wonderful children who I love and sometimes love me back so I should not complain, I"m luckier than others... and feel guilty daily for it.

did anyone ever notice I'm a strange mix between gratitude and guilt.... if I ever make it out on my own.... I should have a company called GtoG and never tell anyone it doesn't mean goood to go... but instead... guilt to gratitude and see what works out.




./sigh

Surgery done

I do so like the doctor who put in Zachary's tubes. He was gentle and kind and patient, answered my questions and made sure I felt comfortable before they took the little guy back.

Honestly, I don't know enough about how it's done elsewhere, but the part where they don't intubate, they don't put in an iv, but just use a small mask with anesthesia and he woke up within minutes of them taking it off, made it more bearable.

Years ago, the same doctor removed a benign vascular hemangioma from the back of Emily's head and he was just as wonderful then. They did have to intubate back then for that and it was three hours before I got my 11 month old back. I forgot how much fear there is when you hand over your child and put your trust in in medicine. When you chose the best doctors you can though, it's less frightening.

Rather than being cranky as was expected... he's just been bouncing off the walls...

Tomorrow... Next week.

Tomorrow they will put tubes in Zachary's ears. Then maybe I'll be able to go to work next week. Or I hope to. More importantly - Zachy will feel better, not be sick for once in three months and I won't worry so much about his hearing and speech.

One week from Saturday I'll graduate from John Brown University. It's taken me very nearly twenty years, three colleges and I'm just now getting my bachelors degree. I'm not graduating with honors like my associate's degree, but still it's an accomplishment I've worked hard to earn. I think all the kids will make it this time, but I'm getting the impression, that's all that will besides Matthew. This time next year I'll be there for his graduation too. (and he will graduate with honors or at the very least "distinction") He will likely graduate with his sister and brother-in-law and that means his family will all make it. I'm more proud of him than me anyway so it's good.

It's nearly the 15th of December again... I need to get a wreath for my mother's grave and take the baby to set it out. He doesn't need to understand where we are going or anything - just so she will know I brought her grandbaby to see her and even though it's not like taking him to see his other grandmas... she's still his grandma.

Maybe tomorrow I'll get a pic up of our tree and a new Zachary shot, maybe if he lets me. It's a crazy life home with him and trying to keep up with work and all the things I just can't let slide.

15 years....

I am a motherless child...

for fifteen years...

that is what Christamas means...

I am a motherless child.

there is nothing less or more to say.

It is what I am.


I miss her. She that never really loved me...

I miss her.

Please forgive me.

I miss my mother.

Not who she was, but who she was supoosed to be and the one who loved my kids before she left.


Love is all that is left and I miss her so.

My little monkey....

Has been sick for weeks now. He had an ear infection at his one year checkup and then another one when we went back for the recheck and now he's possibly allergic to the antibiotic the doc prescribed. So we are on our third antibiotic, and I've not been to work in almost a week.

He's the happiest sick baby I've ever met, but seriously, he's got to get better sometime.

The way I see it...

I'm an optimistic, peace-making, keep trying, compromising, okay kind of person.

I look for the best in people and when I just don't understand, I think... there must be something so I should try harder to understand. Sure there's tons of people not worth my efforts, but to let one slip by that is worth that benefit of doubt would be wrong for me.

People are fairly simple yet terribly complex. At least I think they are... or maybe just I am... who knows.

Anyway. I want the world to be a nicer place, eh? And you know what they say? If you want the world to be a nicer place... make it a nicer place and you will live the nicer place you wanted. Sounds good, is darned hard and yet... Here I am. Still trying to make it a nicer place. Starting of course with good old me. May not be able to change the world... but can always change your perspective, outlook, reactions, what you bring to the world's table. When you're done there, you've changed a little tiny bit of the world and if you are lucky, that change is for the better.

I'd like to think what I bring is a bit of laughter, a lot of love, and everything I've got.

It seems like it's never enough, but it's all I've got, it's just going to have to do.

I do not understand bitterness as it were... Will it make the world a better place? (nope) Will it make you happy? (not likely) Will it ease the hurt you may be feeling. (I don't think so) So then what will it get you? If what it gets you is not what you want... pour that energy into something you do want... like joy or laughter or even simple peace.

I live with bitterness though - not my own - and it steals my joy. I want to happy regardless... but when you watch someone you love dearly - make themselves miserable because of bitterness and you are caught in their angst.... joy just doesn't have that great of a chance to survive.

Being caught in the cross-hairs of someones self inflicted misery is not something I wish on anyone. It hurts and you're basically powerless. Unless of course you are that uber strong person who says - okay you want to be miserable? then do it alone... I'm outta here. (some would say strong, others would say cold as ice or selfish, I dunno... I think somewhere in between) It's just not in me though... I just keep trying for that better place thing and wonder ... will I always fail or is there hope. There's got to be hope though... so I soldier on.

It's looking though like it's taking a path I don't want to travel. I've seen this movie you could say. It doesn't end well.

The bitterness is giving way to selfishness, meanness, and double standards.

and I don't have a clue what to do from here.

Zachary's first cookie...