Despite the turmoil of my life... I have things for which I'm quite thankful. I have my children, our home, a job that enables me to support all of us... there are many that have less and and deserve more.
I cooked a turkey and all the usual side dishes, made a pie, the usual. Matthew stopped by for lunch but left before pie.
It was lovely and sad all at once.
Christmas will likely be just be and the kids. I can't manage anymore. I just can't. I still hope to spend Christmas with him, but it will not be up to me. Hoping will not make it so.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
All of a sudden....
Not so much.
Long time coming - absolutely.
Man asks, why is this so important now. It's so important to find some serenity in this life, some peace, because I just cannot go on living in between.
Oh and it's holiday time.... holidays are family time. If I'm not family enough to join him for dinner then so be it, but then how he is family enough to be invited to our home for dinner?
He's had it both ways most of this year... and maybe that works for him, but it's destructive to my self-worth.
I'm left to wonder - if he gets angry when I ask not to live in limbo - and has either option open to him without fault - what does he expect me to do?
Long time coming - absolutely.
Man asks, why is this so important now. It's so important to find some serenity in this life, some peace, because I just cannot go on living in between.
Oh and it's holiday time.... holidays are family time. If I'm not family enough to join him for dinner then so be it, but then how he is family enough to be invited to our home for dinner?
He's had it both ways most of this year... and maybe that works for him, but it's destructive to my self-worth.
I'm left to wonder - if he gets angry when I ask not to live in limbo - and has either option open to him without fault - what does he expect me to do?
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Pointless drivel
I'm an optimist at heart. It doesn't suit my life, but I've not managed to squelch my true self.
I've found over time though that being an optimist opens me up to being disappointed more often than not. Being a pessimist would be ideal on a completely theoretical level - you'd have the unexpected "wow" when life is kind. Still it's not me and clearly not who I'm meant to be.
I'm an emotional person as well. I wouldn't change it, joy, love, contentment they are all wonderful emotions that I would never feel if I was just cold and didn't feel anything. Still, I find that many people do not like me to show my emotions unless they are the happy-go-lucky, life good sort of emotions.
Right now, I'd not say life is good. I have wonderful children for the most part. Some should be grown and independent, others are just about there and one is just coming out of babyhood and the sunshine of life. For the grown children - I love them just as they are... even when they make decisions that I don't agree with. Mostly because that's what I taught them to do. I wanted them to find out who they are and be that person rather than who anyone else (including me) thought they should be. They've lived up to just that. They are all independent thinkers if not independent people. That aspect alone is good even when it brings confusion or frustration. It's welcome because I willed it to be.
I'm at the same crossroad I've been at for nearly eight months. It shows no sign of being clearer or kinder. I've always had the option to move on alone, but if I wanted to share this journey with someone I've got to wait... but I'm not necessarily waiting for them to join me. I'm waiting for them to decide if they even want to travel this path with me at all. Ever the fool am I.
I don't want to stand looking at the closed door so long that I fail to see the one that is open until it too closes. I don't want to close a door that leads to what I truly want...
So I wait and I wonder and then I wait so more. I worry that I'm wasting precious time waiting when I should be living... but it doesn't stop me from waiting or spur me to action... it's just a worry that eats at my soul. Maybe if I was stronger I'd just choose a path and if no one follows, then it will be as it's meant to be. Maybe if I wasn't so strong, I'd have done that in the spring to spare myself the agony of the months past.
I'll never be the damsel in distress. My childhood taught me to survive. I'll never be cold as ice. It's just not my nature. So maybe I'm just too strong to give anyone the desire to protect me from pain and too weak to protect myself.
Ever the conundrum... that would be me.
As 2010 draws closer to an end... I need draw up what strength I have to face the year to come... I have to do it for my kids if not myself. They have lived to long in the shadow of my life's failures.
Come what may...
I've found over time though that being an optimist opens me up to being disappointed more often than not. Being a pessimist would be ideal on a completely theoretical level - you'd have the unexpected "wow" when life is kind. Still it's not me and clearly not who I'm meant to be.
I'm an emotional person as well. I wouldn't change it, joy, love, contentment they are all wonderful emotions that I would never feel if I was just cold and didn't feel anything. Still, I find that many people do not like me to show my emotions unless they are the happy-go-lucky, life good sort of emotions.
Right now, I'd not say life is good. I have wonderful children for the most part. Some should be grown and independent, others are just about there and one is just coming out of babyhood and the sunshine of life. For the grown children - I love them just as they are... even when they make decisions that I don't agree with. Mostly because that's what I taught them to do. I wanted them to find out who they are and be that person rather than who anyone else (including me) thought they should be. They've lived up to just that. They are all independent thinkers if not independent people. That aspect alone is good even when it brings confusion or frustration. It's welcome because I willed it to be.
I'm at the same crossroad I've been at for nearly eight months. It shows no sign of being clearer or kinder. I've always had the option to move on alone, but if I wanted to share this journey with someone I've got to wait... but I'm not necessarily waiting for them to join me. I'm waiting for them to decide if they even want to travel this path with me at all. Ever the fool am I.
I don't want to stand looking at the closed door so long that I fail to see the one that is open until it too closes. I don't want to close a door that leads to what I truly want...
So I wait and I wonder and then I wait so more. I worry that I'm wasting precious time waiting when I should be living... but it doesn't stop me from waiting or spur me to action... it's just a worry that eats at my soul. Maybe if I was stronger I'd just choose a path and if no one follows, then it will be as it's meant to be. Maybe if I wasn't so strong, I'd have done that in the spring to spare myself the agony of the months past.
I'll never be the damsel in distress. My childhood taught me to survive. I'll never be cold as ice. It's just not my nature. So maybe I'm just too strong to give anyone the desire to protect me from pain and too weak to protect myself.
Ever the conundrum... that would be me.
As 2010 draws closer to an end... I need draw up what strength I have to face the year to come... I have to do it for my kids if not myself. They have lived to long in the shadow of my life's failures.
Come what may...
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