They Say Happiness is a Choice

For the most part I tend to agree.  It's not that you can choose to be happy every moment of every day... Only that other emotions can be worked through to allow happiness to bloom. Life has handed me moments.  Some are wonderful while others are not. I treasure the good ones and face the not so good ones with hope that there is something positive to be gleaned from every moment.

This past work week has been stressful. Too much to get done and not enough time. It's over and  done now though, so I choose to let it go. There a new week ahead that I can face Monday. Right now I can choose to make the best of my weekend.

It was noted that I 're-set' quickly. I don't know that I do, only that I'm unwilling to waste time on negative thoughts. I'll give those thoughts only enough time to understand them so I can let them go. Life is too short.

There is happiness all around us, we just have to be willing to let it shine and even in the rain - embrace all that is good in the world we live in.

No Pollyanna here - life will be hard sometimes, it's okay to be honest about it.  It's not okay to drown in it.

Well then...

It's been a while. For the last two years nothing really changed. Of course that's from only one perspective.  On the flip side a whole lot changed. Same job though I've been through five different managers, three peers, three reorganizations. I'm the lone constant.

2014 was a rough year. Last May was a month of graduations and then there was one... Over the summer Emily went to live with her dad.  Calvin moved to Fayetteville for college. So there was just Zachy left at home.  In October Bryan moved back home.  He plans to move back out in May. I got to see most of the kids for the holidays.  Had quite the New Year's Eve driving Sebastian back to St. Louis (sounded better before we set out on the journey).  12 hours driving in Missouri that I'm not likely to attempt as a single trip again.  All the times I drive straight through to Denver and I thought eh, the drive would be fine.

Then... It was 2015. After five years of seemingly amicable separation he filed for divorce and took a mystery trip to Phoenix for valentines weekend. (Or as I'd come to refer to it - singles awareness day).

I saw my eldest sister for the first time in years.  I wish I could say it went well.  My family could go by the TNT tag line because we know drama.  I don't know what to say or do there.  I've still not seen my dad. I don't know that I can do it.

There is joy in my life. Zachy is  a sweet little boy,  he brings sunshine to my days. He's learned to read and loves books. As someone who doesn't remember not being able to read, it's wonderful to share the love of reading.

Work is the same yada yada of years past and not something I want to write about now.

I'm  building a bridge to a better place - it's coming along fine  for now.  Let's see where the journey takes me.

Alone with my thoughts....

I spend a lot of time just me and the li'l man...  and in that time...  I'm alone with my thoughts.  I have come to realized I'm alone like this more than not. Besides being at work and in class most of the time of course. So I think.  I don't want to think.  I just can't seem to clear my head.

I've been home for spring break and it's been good all things considered.  I cooked a whole lot, all the kid's favorites.  Had all five of them home for dinner one night too.  I love time with my munchkins. 

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it.  Too much stress there right now.   Nothing I can write about... nothing I want to write about for that matter. 

I'm working the three to five year plan.  I will finish grad school this time.  I'm less sure what then next strategy is after that.  I was supposed to know more just a few weeks ago. The day passed and when asked, it wasn't open for any discussion.  No decisions.  Just pretend it's all good and don't speak of it.  I'm not good at that.  Or rather, I'm learning to not speak of it and the silence allows others to believe it's all good - but in the silence it feels as if I'm fading away from myself.  Not living in the moment, but instead watching my life happen as if I were no more than an onlooker.  To the onlooker I'm doing a darn fine job of pretending it's all good and I'm certainly not speaking of what aches in my heart. 

They always say if you want life to be different - make it different.  That's so easy to say.  Beyond me how you really put it into action right now.

It just might be time for a change...

I don't know how big is enough, but something needs to change. 

I'm starting back to grad school in just four weeks.  That's a change, but not what I'm thinking is going to be enough to calm what I feel. 

It's like I've lived the last two years in limbo and I'm not dead yet. 

I'm not dead.

I'm just not living in the moment I'm in. 

I don't want to keep living like life is yet to come.

Life is here and now.  I'm here and now.  I need to feel in this moment like I've got some value and maybe I'm the only person who thinks I've got value, but that's one more person that believed in me for the last two years.

I have the courage of my convictions.  I keep promises even when the people I've made those promises to don't keep theirs. My children are everything to me.  They will always be everything to me. 

People are everything to me. 

I don't expect or even want perfection.  I want honesty.  I don't expect it.  I hope for it.  Sometimes I get it, often I don't. But I still believe in people. 

I do a lot of forgiving, maybe too much forgetting, and maybe not near enough. So I've got to just keep believing that as I am is good enough for something if not someone. 

One day, I will look back and this will all makes sense... maybe not the external why, but for all that is holy - one day I need to know the internal why. 

Too much, not enough...

This thought could go several different ways.  I have too much to accomplish and not near enough time to get it all done. 

Work...  yada yada (it's just not worth the effort to pour it all out)

Home...  Calvin's graduation is a month away.  I would not say we are remotely prepared.  Mostly due to work getting in the way, but not entirely.  I need to find time to get the last of the paperwork to the University so he can be officially accepted.  Then there's the whole find him a car... license... insurance.  Oh yeah and getting him to the rehearsal, not letting others get me down. 

Then there's the whole relationship thing...  too much hurt, not enough hope.

Then there's me.  Too much everyone else, no time, thought, effort, etc for me.

Not even enough time for this blog....

Maybe later...

Would that I could calm the thoughts in my head

I know its mostly that I've done all that I can for as long as I fee able...

Letting go or holding on...  I'm prepared to live with either option now.  The difficulty is that I won't let go if there's something to hold on to and I don't want to keep holding on if there isn't. 

Why don't I know which is true?  I suspect that it's the latter but hope for the former and need to know how the other person in this feels. 

Sadly though I'm talking to the internet.  There are no answers to life's questions out here.  Only a vast open forum to express the thoughts that consume me. At least I'm aware of that much.  I can 'google' the specs on a car, the price of any number of widgets, volumes of useless trivia on so called people of interest, but there's no wikipedia entry on which path to choose or what's in another persons head.

I've been on my own more in my life that not, but committed to someone else more than not all the same.  (ever the conundrum...  yeah... that's me).

I refuse to be defined by negative space.  I've spent many hours, days, weeks, months, years defining myself so that when I look in the mirror I not only recognize the face looking back but also respect the person I see. 

It's easy to say what something isn't  I'm not young, tall, breathtakingly beautiful, not too old just yet, or hideous...  I'm not cold and bitter... I don't remember being innocently naive... my life just wasn't conducive for that..

So on the surface I'm just as tall as when I stopped growing, I'm about as old as anyone else born when I was, I'm starting to look my age for that matter...  I'm tired.  I'm still cautiously optimistic, determined, hard working, willing to compromise, not interested in being a door mat (wait that's negative space.... damn) anyway  I'm me.  Just me.  Ever the fool, or ever hopeful, or just too stupid to read the writing on the wall.  Ah but that leads to the introspective thoughts that devour my soul.

When I uncover aspects of my personality that I didn't love, like, or respect - I set out on yet another journey to change.  I like to think I'm who I want to be now.  I know I'm flawed...  some aspects just need a time place to be okay, others need monitored and controlled.  I clean when I'm stressed...  inside and out... See it's not an option to 'think' I am who I want to be... I need to be, to know and to be satisfied with me.

Right now I look in the mirror and I see that I've got some work to do.  I need to find peace and calm.  I need to find out who I've become lately... mostly because I keep seeing the shadow of who I used to be and and it's all too clear it's a shadow and not a reflection.  So who am I now and is she strong enough to get through this?  (gonna have to be cause I'm not done raising my kids). 

God help me this I've got to stop marking time and live my life.  I'm pretty sure where I am is not what I want my kids to remember when I'm gone. 

2011

Looking back and standing still... looking forward and what should be filled hope is rather just filled with...  a feeling I'm still trying to define.

I'm not afraid of the year to come.  I could laugh and say it's the end of the world as we know it...  the dawn of the galactic equinox...  or just 2012...  I don't know.  It's another year in a life that never seems to make much sense. 

Still, I use the last day of each year to take stock of my life and figure out what lessons I should have learned.

2011 began with an aching heart... it appears to be ending the same way.  I'd wanted to greet the new year with love and hope... it wasn't to be though and I watched the clock turn alone. I don't know what I'll be doing at midnight this year.

Looking back...

I managed to survive a rough year at work, got promoted even (that was a huge ugly secret though so eh, whatever).  I gave my all and I'm not foolish enough to believe it really matters in the big scheme of things.   I earned a pay check, paid my bills, didn't sleep near enough and have learned to smile brightly when people make fun of my work ethic.  Call me a fool if you like...  *bright smile*

I turned forty in 2011 too... no big to do about it, bought my own gift, nibbled on a cake but since I was on a mission to lose the weight I gained pregnant with Zachy...  it was only a nibble.  I lost all the baby weight anyway.  Not everyone gets a party for their birthday and well... I've had worse, right? Still breathing in and out, no excuse to complain.

Over the summer learned to ride a bike.  Logged somewhere in the neighborhood of 500 miles too.  Loved it, miss it, spring will be here soon and I'll be back out there, helmet in place.

If fitbit can be trusted, I walked over a thousand miles this past year... that's all the way home to Denver... Ran a few miles too.  Bought my first pair of running shoes even.  One of them is missing right now, if I feel like being honest.  Perhaps I should find it by day's end as it was a sobering experience to spend that much on a pair of shoes. 

I drove to Texas twice... once to see my niece and nephew graduate from high school and then two months later to retrieve Calvin who spend the rest of summer with his newly graduated cousins. He turned 18 just days before he left and missed my birthday while he was gone...All good there though. He had a good summer.

Wished Todd and Neil well as they moved to San Francisco together. Got to see a few old friends that I've not seen much since 2006 at their going away party. 

I bought a new car. (double the gas mileage of the jeep, half the interior space, but I'm still thinking it was a good idea).  She's two months mine tomorrow. 

I got to go to Thanksgiving and Christmas at the in-laws and that was nice.  Probably more delusion on my part than reality...  hurts to imagine I only get to pretend to be someone's wife for holidays.  I'm married all the time and darned honest about it... but the experience of sitting by my husband at a family dinner... twice in a year and not once the year before.  Forward progress or foolish notion... I just don't know.

The kids are all healthy and two are gainfully employed, tax paying citizens...  Calvin is a senior in high school, Emily is a sophomore... Zachy is Zachy. I'm well aware how lucky I am to have my kids.  They are my true life's work. 

I've not attended a funeral this year or wedding... I think the world is still going round out there though it doesn't take much notice of me. 

Now...  it's the last day of 2011...  my mission decided in the writing of this... is to find a shoe...

there's go to be more to life...

We shall see what 2012 has in store for me.  Hope for the best and pray for all that is not.