Echoes

My mind is filled with the echoes of conversations from 2016.  Some make me smile while others take my breath away.  As I sit with my memories of a year past and seek wisdom for the year ahead - those echoes are memories I will choose to carry forward or leave behind.

The year started alone and it appears it will end in solitude as well.  Not for a complete lack of wonderful people in my life, though there are just a few I've let in... rather because the New Year will begin on a Sunday and the timing is what it is.  I know that the most important people in my life are but a text message away, sans one very special little one who is not quite old enough for a phone.  

It's been a year of changes as all years are I suppose.  

For all my musings on the internet, in the physical world, I'm a very private person who could be a poster child for introverts.  I have built many walls in my life and very few bridges.   One bridge I've had to make the conscious decision to close.  It hasn't been due to a falling out or anything terrible really.  I just reassessed the level of negativity in my life and realized that a bit of space is necessary. I need to surround myself  joy and let anything less drift away.  

Don't get me wrong, this blog reveals quite well a tale of ups and downs.  If all you celebrate are the downs and you never take time to embrace the ups - that's when it achieves a level of negativity that darkens the joy around you.  If I began the year lighting a penny candle, it seems foolish to let a cold draft threaten that tender flame of hope.  

I still have the same job as the last six years and yet it is so very different with two building moves and a reorganization.  The team has gained and lost many people and I'm still getting to know the new ones.   One team member has been a special addition to my life.  She is funny and kind and reminds me that I must take time for me so that I can be happy.  Others are friendly enough and on the good days I talk more at work that I usually do... I let people in just a bit.  It's a door in the walls that leads to a small sitting room of sorts... (metaphors are ever "me").  

No weddings or funerals again this year. There is a new munchkin in the family...  Baby E was born in September and his parents while young, appear to have what it takes to do well by him. He is a joy! 

I keep in touch with a few dear family/friends who when sadness or joy need a hug or a hooray and I am forever grateful.  If I ever make it back to Denver or DFW - they will be treasures to meet up with for coffee or dinner.  Some are more complicated than others.  

I've no words for many things it the bigger world...  this past year will not be forgotten, and and yet it needs never be re-lived.  I'm taking the good, leaving the rest, hoping for the best, prepared to survive as always, and keeping the door open for all the joy this world has to offer. 

Farewell the past year...  Bring it 2017 ! 

2015 Looking back... standing still a moment... lighting a penny candle

Not my best year...  I've said that a lot and now I'm putting it down in writing.

The year began with heartache.   It seemed to be heading towards a better place and then I found a friend was not a friend.  Then it was June.  Six months in two sentences.  The history is in the archives now.  I look back no more.

Then there was good.

Once again my life was fast approaching a dark place.  Nearly a decade since my last 'bad' year.  I again found I had a friend that I could lean on.  This time however instead of shining a light into the darkness... I was pulled into the light where darkness found no home.  There were amazing moments. I can only hope they were not once in a lifetime moments but instead will be the foundation I can reflect on as I keep moving forward. Those moments weren't profound in and of themselves. They were profound in that I embraced them.  I lived.  In each moment.  Without doubt or fear.  Just lived. I can never turn back and I will never forget the pure and simple joy of reveling in moment.  I did things that I never would have had the courage or confidence to do just months before... little less the years before.

Even the brightest light fades in time though and you have two choices - stand in the dark or move towards the light.  That light may be so small as a penny candle of age old.. and they aren't likely still just a penny.  All the same, I light that candle and watch it flicker.  The darkness remains at bay. The moment of solitude is mine to hold.  Looking back and standing still.

I'm standing still only long enough to find my bearings.  Then forward I go.  My own words keep me from standing still longer than needed.  It's a temporary state and it's okay to take time but stay here I cannot.  Forward is the only option.

The year ended...  alone once again.  Still there was unexpected news just hours before the year ended.  I tried to reach out to talk through it... it was New Years Eve though and no friends were available for the conversation.  Another day I'm sure... it's not like the news is going anywhere soon.

Today is a bright new day... yesterday's mistakes are behind me. (borrowed from my children's grade school creed).  I've made it through.  What was - is past.  What is before me - who knows.  I've survived all that has come before, so I'm pretty sure I can face what is up ahead.

Come what may - I'm here, I'm stronger, wiser, and maybe even more determined than ever.

2016 - Let's see what you bring.

Waiting... Breathing... Living

Work/Life/Not So happy Post...

For whatever reason I've spent most of my life waiting... punctuated with breathing when waiting became overwhelming.  The goal - Living.

I waited for the fighting to stop.  I waited for particular days, events, storms to pass.

In between I taught myself to breathe.

I've always wanted to just live.

Yesterday was a hard day.  I rose to the occasion.  I held back most of what I wanted to say.  Learned that what I know I should keep to myself.  Learned that in the end it will always be my fault.  It will be my fault if it happens and shouldn't.   It will be my fault if it should happen and doesn't.   It will be my fault if some thing I have zero control over happens and I knew it was coming and tried to warn my team.  It will be my fault if I know and don't warn them.

So maybe, just maybe if I'd going to be burned at the stake- I should just take the second path.  Not tell them as it will not lessen the verbal assault.  Note to self - your penchant for over communicating is not to your benefit at this time.

Then when I finally wrapped up the work day - I had to rush home.  I'd sent Zach to school with the wrong colored jacket.  Thursday it should have been red.  So Friday I put him in red.  No it should have been black.  Okay - my mistake.  I was using outdated expectations.  Traded jackets and he was a sleep so I couldn't even say hi/bye to him.

Then wait.   Friday night.  Make no plans.  Just wait.  Wait some more.  The silly project manager in me needs a plan.  The world I live in has no plans.  I could have done three different things.  Instead I cleaned my house (not the worst back up to back up plan).  Still, had I known how it was going to turn out - I probably would have ventured out with the second plan or even the third.

Ironically that second plan taught me to make no plans.  To wait. To hope.  To let go.  To accept alone.  

Someone once told me to change the plan, you have to have a plan.  Being adaptable is one thing. Bending with the wind of everyone else's whims and never having a plan of your own - is not being adaptable - it's being a door mat.

Long ago there was a post about that.  Not going back there today.

Live...   it's time.   To stop walking on egg shells. To stop waiting for other people.  To just go as I am because that is what I have; that is what I can count on;  that is what I always end up doing and never really wanted to do.

Change what you can.  Accept what you can't.   Keep moving forward.  Goodness knows the world is not waiting for me.

That was then... this is now

Darker post than usual... happens sometimes.

I used to be a cornerstone in my family...  I hosted all the family dinners.  I was the one you called when you needed money or bailed out of jail...   Needed advice?  Yeah call her.   Need someone to help you move?  Call her.   Needed someone to fix your computer. That was me.  I reveled in it for the most part.  When they didn't need me they didn't call me.  When they didn't call me, I felt like I wasn't a member of my own family.  When I was the 'go to' person it made me feel valuable. I always knew, if I needed something - I was all I had.  It just took me a long time to realize I was the family toaster.

See if you've got a toaster - you probably don't think about it much.  When it burns your toast,  you hate it.  When it doesn't work, you hate it.  If it pops up beautiful golden brown toast... you pick up your toast and walk away leaving only crumbs to indicate the toaster was valuable in the moment.

So I created distance. It didn't save my marriage of course... but it did save me.

Sometimes it feels like want me to take up the job again.  I don't know that I'm willing to sacrifice my life all over again for people who don't seem to want me unless I'm handing out money or food. There was one amazing man who took over my old role... he has done all that I did and maybe even more. All for people who were not his responsibility.  There is a good bit of guilt when I think about how he picked up where I left off and what did this family give him in return?

My nieces and nephews - if they need me, I'm a phone call away. They were the people who sat in my kitchen while I cooked those family dinners.  They were always happy to see me and didn't just ask for gifts. They would let me sit in on their games.  They scrolled through my music collection and approved...  Everyone else... too many times they took and gave nothing in return but heartache.  

Except the extended family never got the memo.  So when someone wants to call my dad... they call me and ask for his number.  I didn't have it this time.   My sister does.  Will she forward it along though?  Sure.  Send it to me and I can get it to my uncle.

So I call my Uncle and am such a coward - I didn't clue him in that I've not seen my Dad in five years.  I don't tell him I had to get it from my sister.  I just made sure he's has the right number and knows that I'm doing just fine.

So much good

The past week has had its ups and downs, yet more up than down so that's a plus.  Friday night a friend and I drove south to one of their friend's home.  The purpose was to drop off a computer.  Still. I don't get out much and I don't mind driving. :).

It was out away from the lights of town and the view of the blue moon was wonderful.  I loved getting the better view of the stars and the company of two people who don't filter any thing.  Whatever comes to mind... They say it.  So refreshing.  Dinner was phenomenal.  Steaks grilled and sooo good.  Potatoes. Asperagus too. It's near never that someone cooks dinner for me and man it was fantastic. Great random conversation and nearly no stress. I posted about it on fb but there's someone out there who would be upset by it so I had to take it down. :(  I wanted to replace it with never let anyone steal your joy, then thought better of it.  I didn't lose the joy. I remember all it.  I'm happy. I can write about it here.

Matt built me a computer in the last few days as well and she's awesome. The computer aside,I think we are in a better place.  Friends. We've always met eye when it came to computers and he loves building them. I worried with the divorce that we would become enemies and I'm so glad to know we haven't.  We had dinner with Zachy this evening and babbled about a lot of trivial stuff.  Peaceful and makes me hopeful we can pull off this joint custody/life after divorce thing. He will always matter to me. I'm just so darned good with it being history.  I loved him with all my heart.  It wasn't what he needed.  I waited five years.  He ended it.  I cried my river.  I built my bridge.  I'm on the other side now and if I look back the bridge is still there but it crosses a different river.

I am growing my circle of people to talk to. Not the deep introspect that I put in the blog, just friendly people who are far more extroverted than I am.  I'm hoping it will grow me a bit to hang around social people and learn to navigate beyond the hide in my house, keep to myself. Baby steps that looking back seem like giant leaps.

Oh life is good sometimes.

Learning more about me

So I've been talking to someone who rather casually makes me think.  Just off handed comments that I drag into deep thought.

It started with the big one... my name.   I was given a name, I changed it.   Whole lot of hurt and heartache tied up there.   I made a conscious decision to close a chapter of my life and let 'her' be the title.   So essentially she could keep the memories and I could move forward afresh.   Hey, I was 13 and had no one to help me cope, so I found a method that at the time worked rather well.    So now I'm told the name made me who I am.   And the memories flow.  The deep thinking ensues.   Nearly a week later, I came to the terrible conclusion that what I did was the equivalent of abandoning a child with all my pain so I could be free.   Dang.   The upside...  a name that once stiffened my spine whenever I heard it; doesn't anymore.   I needed to survive.   I'm grown now and I own what I did all the same.

As to the name I have, it still feels more 'me' but I think that's partly because I've been carrying that name around for 31 years now and partly because I couldn't hear the other name for the same number of years without pain.

Next big thought...  me.   I often say I'm as old as I am because that's when I was born, as tall as I am because that's when I stopped growing, brown eyed because my mother was, so hey, I am as I am.   Except the standard, I have all the physical flaws.   My weight is not where I'd like it to be and I need to make more time to get out on my bike.   I'll leave out the quote, but it made me go 'huh?'.    So I'm taking a good long look at me and I feel kinder to myself now.  Sure I still want to get out on my bike and it wouldn't hurt me to hit the gym more often. I just don't have to wait for perfect to love how I look.

It's something, talking to a free spirit.   I had to say just the other day that they made me happy simply being. Because I can honestly say I know someone who lives an authentic life and makes it work.  

One day - I want that to be me.   I live a deliberate life, but mostly I've played by the rules, tried to do all the 'right' things in the hope that I'd be (shocker coming) safe.  I'm deliberate but will sacrifice myself all to often to make the world happy.  I live to make it a better world.  People matter.  Those are not trite words.  They are not rhetoric.  They are not drivel that best fit a facebook meme.  They are my deepest desires.   Thing is I'm learning, I'm people too.  

Whole lot of thinking and learning this past week and it feels so good.  

Forward is the only option

You can look back, but you can never travel there.   Forward is the only option. Well standing still is an option too.  It's a temporary option though.

Look back...  learn... forgive...  keep moving forward.   Small steps if you need.  A leap of faith every once in a while.  If you fall short, it's okay.   Pick yourself and know that you tried.  You survived. You are stronger.  Maybe even a little wiser.  Make some good memories.  Memories that make you smile, laugh, blush if you need...  Good Memories.  

Every day is a chance to make a wonderful day.  Note a chance, not a guarantee.  Can't always win that one.  Still if you deliberately try to make wonderful days, I firmly believe you will end up with more wonderful days than if you just sat and hoped for one.  

I'm still feeling a little lost.  That's not always a bad thing though.  If you are lost and don't know it... that's bad.   When you know you are lost, you can find your way home. I'm trying to give myself the time for the journey. The time to take in my surroundings so that I can chart the path back to me.  I expect her to be a different me this time.   It's a feeling or an instinct maybe, I just know that life has changed and with it so must I.

What I think matters...  I forget that sometimes.   It's coming back to the surface though.  I'm an admitted over-thinker.  I listen to people tell me that I over think and sometimes discount my own thoughts in self defense. I need to fight that tendency.    What everyone else thinks isn't irrelevant. Still, it needs to be balanced.

They Say Happiness is a Choice

For the most part I tend to agree.  It's not that you can choose to be happy every moment of every day... Only that other emotions can be worked through to allow happiness to bloom. Life has handed me moments.  Some are wonderful while others are not. I treasure the good ones and face the not so good ones with hope that there is something positive to be gleaned from every moment.

This past work week has been stressful. Too much to get done and not enough time. It's over and  done now though, so I choose to let it go. There a new week ahead that I can face Monday. Right now I can choose to make the best of my weekend.

It was noted that I 're-set' quickly. I don't know that I do, only that I'm unwilling to waste time on negative thoughts. I'll give those thoughts only enough time to understand them so I can let them go. Life is too short.

There is happiness all around us, we just have to be willing to let it shine and even in the rain - embrace all that is good in the world we live in.

No Pollyanna here - life will be hard sometimes, it's okay to be honest about it.  It's not okay to drown in it.

Well then...

It's been a while. For the last two years nothing really changed. Of course that's from only one perspective.  On the flip side a whole lot changed. Same job though I've been through five different managers, three peers, three reorganizations. I'm the lone constant.

2014 was a rough year. Last May was a month of graduations and then there was one... Over the summer Emily went to live with her dad.  Calvin moved to Fayetteville for college. So there was just Zachy left at home.  In October Bryan moved back home.  He plans to move back out in May. I got to see most of the kids for the holidays.  Had quite the New Year's Eve driving Sebastian back to St. Louis (sounded better before we set out on the journey).  12 hours driving in Missouri that I'm not likely to attempt as a single trip again.  All the times I drive straight through to Denver and I thought eh, the drive would be fine.

Then... It was 2015. After five years of seemingly amicable separation he filed for divorce and took a mystery trip to Phoenix for valentines weekend. (Or as I'd come to refer to it - singles awareness day).

I saw my eldest sister for the first time in years.  I wish I could say it went well.  My family could go by the TNT tag line because we know drama.  I don't know what to say or do there.  I've still not seen my dad. I don't know that I can do it.

There is joy in my life. Zachy is  a sweet little boy,  he brings sunshine to my days. He's learned to read and loves books. As someone who doesn't remember not being able to read, it's wonderful to share the love of reading.

Work is the same yada yada of years past and not something I want to write about now.

I'm  building a bridge to a better place - it's coming along fine  for now.  Let's see where the journey takes me.

Alone with my thoughts....

I spend a lot of time just me and the li'l man...  and in that time...  I'm alone with my thoughts.  I have come to realized I'm alone like this more than not. Besides being at work and in class most of the time of course. So I think.  I don't want to think.  I just can't seem to clear my head.

I've been home for spring break and it's been good all things considered.  I cooked a whole lot, all the kid's favorites.  Had all five of them home for dinner one night too.  I love time with my munchkins. 

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it.  Too much stress there right now.   Nothing I can write about... nothing I want to write about for that matter. 

I'm working the three to five year plan.  I will finish grad school this time.  I'm less sure what then next strategy is after that.  I was supposed to know more just a few weeks ago. The day passed and when asked, it wasn't open for any discussion.  No decisions.  Just pretend it's all good and don't speak of it.  I'm not good at that.  Or rather, I'm learning to not speak of it and the silence allows others to believe it's all good - but in the silence it feels as if I'm fading away from myself.  Not living in the moment, but instead watching my life happen as if I were no more than an onlooker.  To the onlooker I'm doing a darn fine job of pretending it's all good and I'm certainly not speaking of what aches in my heart. 

They always say if you want life to be different - make it different.  That's so easy to say.  Beyond me how you really put it into action right now.

It just might be time for a change...

I don't know how big is enough, but something needs to change. 

I'm starting back to grad school in just four weeks.  That's a change, but not what I'm thinking is going to be enough to calm what I feel. 

It's like I've lived the last two years in limbo and I'm not dead yet. 

I'm not dead.

I'm just not living in the moment I'm in. 

I don't want to keep living like life is yet to come.

Life is here and now.  I'm here and now.  I need to feel in this moment like I've got some value and maybe I'm the only person who thinks I've got value, but that's one more person that believed in me for the last two years.

I have the courage of my convictions.  I keep promises even when the people I've made those promises to don't keep theirs. My children are everything to me.  They will always be everything to me. 

People are everything to me. 

I don't expect or even want perfection.  I want honesty.  I don't expect it.  I hope for it.  Sometimes I get it, often I don't. But I still believe in people. 

I do a lot of forgiving, maybe too much forgetting, and maybe not near enough. So I've got to just keep believing that as I am is good enough for something if not someone. 

One day, I will look back and this will all makes sense... maybe not the external why, but for all that is holy - one day I need to know the internal why. 

Too much, not enough...

This thought could go several different ways.  I have too much to accomplish and not near enough time to get it all done. 

Work...  yada yada (it's just not worth the effort to pour it all out)

Home...  Calvin's graduation is a month away.  I would not say we are remotely prepared.  Mostly due to work getting in the way, but not entirely.  I need to find time to get the last of the paperwork to the University so he can be officially accepted.  Then there's the whole find him a car... license... insurance.  Oh yeah and getting him to the rehearsal, not letting others get me down. 

Then there's the whole relationship thing...  too much hurt, not enough hope.

Then there's me.  Too much everyone else, no time, thought, effort, etc for me.

Not even enough time for this blog....

Maybe later...

Would that I could calm the thoughts in my head

I know its mostly that I've done all that I can for as long as I fee able...

Letting go or holding on...  I'm prepared to live with either option now.  The difficulty is that I won't let go if there's something to hold on to and I don't want to keep holding on if there isn't. 

Why don't I know which is true?  I suspect that it's the latter but hope for the former and need to know how the other person in this feels. 

Sadly though I'm talking to the internet.  There are no answers to life's questions out here.  Only a vast open forum to express the thoughts that consume me. At least I'm aware of that much.  I can 'google' the specs on a car, the price of any number of widgets, volumes of useless trivia on so called people of interest, but there's no wikipedia entry on which path to choose or what's in another persons head.

I've been on my own more in my life that not, but committed to someone else more than not all the same.  (ever the conundrum...  yeah... that's me).

I refuse to be defined by negative space.  I've spent many hours, days, weeks, months, years defining myself so that when I look in the mirror I not only recognize the face looking back but also respect the person I see. 

It's easy to say what something isn't  I'm not young, tall, breathtakingly beautiful, not too old just yet, or hideous...  I'm not cold and bitter... I don't remember being innocently naive... my life just wasn't conducive for that..

So on the surface I'm just as tall as when I stopped growing, I'm about as old as anyone else born when I was, I'm starting to look my age for that matter...  I'm tired.  I'm still cautiously optimistic, determined, hard working, willing to compromise, not interested in being a door mat (wait that's negative space.... damn) anyway  I'm me.  Just me.  Ever the fool, or ever hopeful, or just too stupid to read the writing on the wall.  Ah but that leads to the introspective thoughts that devour my soul.

When I uncover aspects of my personality that I didn't love, like, or respect - I set out on yet another journey to change.  I like to think I'm who I want to be now.  I know I'm flawed...  some aspects just need a time place to be okay, others need monitored and controlled.  I clean when I'm stressed...  inside and out... See it's not an option to 'think' I am who I want to be... I need to be, to know and to be satisfied with me.

Right now I look in the mirror and I see that I've got some work to do.  I need to find peace and calm.  I need to find out who I've become lately... mostly because I keep seeing the shadow of who I used to be and and it's all too clear it's a shadow and not a reflection.  So who am I now and is she strong enough to get through this?  (gonna have to be cause I'm not done raising my kids). 

God help me this I've got to stop marking time and live my life.  I'm pretty sure where I am is not what I want my kids to remember when I'm gone. 

2011

Looking back and standing still... looking forward and what should be filled hope is rather just filled with...  a feeling I'm still trying to define.

I'm not afraid of the year to come.  I could laugh and say it's the end of the world as we know it...  the dawn of the galactic equinox...  or just 2012...  I don't know.  It's another year in a life that never seems to make much sense. 

Still, I use the last day of each year to take stock of my life and figure out what lessons I should have learned.

2011 began with an aching heart... it appears to be ending the same way.  I'd wanted to greet the new year with love and hope... it wasn't to be though and I watched the clock turn alone. I don't know what I'll be doing at midnight this year.

Looking back...

I managed to survive a rough year at work, got promoted even (that was a huge ugly secret though so eh, whatever).  I gave my all and I'm not foolish enough to believe it really matters in the big scheme of things.   I earned a pay check, paid my bills, didn't sleep near enough and have learned to smile brightly when people make fun of my work ethic.  Call me a fool if you like...  *bright smile*

I turned forty in 2011 too... no big to do about it, bought my own gift, nibbled on a cake but since I was on a mission to lose the weight I gained pregnant with Zachy...  it was only a nibble.  I lost all the baby weight anyway.  Not everyone gets a party for their birthday and well... I've had worse, right? Still breathing in and out, no excuse to complain.

Over the summer learned to ride a bike.  Logged somewhere in the neighborhood of 500 miles too.  Loved it, miss it, spring will be here soon and I'll be back out there, helmet in place.

If fitbit can be trusted, I walked over a thousand miles this past year... that's all the way home to Denver... Ran a few miles too.  Bought my first pair of running shoes even.  One of them is missing right now, if I feel like being honest.  Perhaps I should find it by day's end as it was a sobering experience to spend that much on a pair of shoes. 

I drove to Texas twice... once to see my niece and nephew graduate from high school and then two months later to retrieve Calvin who spend the rest of summer with his newly graduated cousins. He turned 18 just days before he left and missed my birthday while he was gone...All good there though. He had a good summer.

Wished Todd and Neil well as they moved to San Francisco together. Got to see a few old friends that I've not seen much since 2006 at their going away party. 

I bought a new car. (double the gas mileage of the jeep, half the interior space, but I'm still thinking it was a good idea).  She's two months mine tomorrow. 

I got to go to Thanksgiving and Christmas at the in-laws and that was nice.  Probably more delusion on my part than reality...  hurts to imagine I only get to pretend to be someone's wife for holidays.  I'm married all the time and darned honest about it... but the experience of sitting by my husband at a family dinner... twice in a year and not once the year before.  Forward progress or foolish notion... I just don't know.

The kids are all healthy and two are gainfully employed, tax paying citizens...  Calvin is a senior in high school, Emily is a sophomore... Zachy is Zachy. I'm well aware how lucky I am to have my kids.  They are my true life's work. 

I've not attended a funeral this year or wedding... I think the world is still going round out there though it doesn't take much notice of me. 

Now...  it's the last day of 2011...  my mission decided in the writing of this... is to find a shoe...

there's go to be more to life...

We shall see what 2012 has in store for me.  Hope for the best and pray for all that is not.

Holidays/Birthdays

I don't much like holidays anymore.  The always seem to end in the overwhelming feeling of loneliness.

I try to make all Matthew's and the kid's  favorites, I hope for happy times... and somehow in two hours, sometimes less, it's over and the kids and I are alone again.

I've always just wanted a 'normal' life.

Want in one hand...  look at what you've got in the other...  yeah.

Zachy is growing, Emily turned 15 today, Seb and Calvin's birthdays are coming up in the next couple weeks.  It should be happy times.  I need to make them happy days. 

I've had one great birthday in all my life and that was 4 years ago.  Last year's was lousy, and stil I've had worse. (loosing a grandparent on my 13th, loosing so much more on my 8th...)  I dare not hope for a good one.  Perhaps when it's over however I can breathe again.

And so it goes...

Well Christmas and New Years have passed...life carries on.

I am at the same crossroads as before... and for the moment, I don't know if I should take one path or the other but standing here is getting me no where. Then again, I realize there is only one path I can 'choose' otherwise I'm just standing here waiting to see if the crossing guard will ever lift on the other path.

Things are quieter, but not better. 

I'm just single parenting three these days. I don't expect that to change any time soon if ever.  The question remains, what am I holding on to and why?

If I look around everyone else has moved on.  I'm re-learning to cook smaller meals, keep up with everything somewhat, and if it breaks, I know it's up to me to figure out how to fix it. 

Ever hopeful, but probably more just a fool am I.

Thanksgiving

Despite the turmoil of my life...  I have things for which I'm quite thankful.  I have my children, our home, a job that enables me to support all of us...  there are many that have less and and deserve more. 

I cooked a turkey and all the usual side dishes, made a pie, the usual.  Matthew stopped by for lunch but left before pie.

It was lovely and sad all at once.

Christmas will likely be just be and the kids.  I can't manage anymore.  I just can't.  I still hope to spend Christmas with him, but it will not be up to me.  Hoping will not make it so.

All of a sudden....

Not so much.

Long time coming - absolutely.

Man asks, why is this so important now.  It's so important to find some serenity in this life, some peace, because I just cannot go on living in between.

Oh and it's holiday time.... holidays are family time.  If I'm not family enough to join him for dinner then so be it, but then how he is family enough to be invited to our home for dinner? 

He's had it both ways most of this year...  and maybe that works for him, but it's destructive to my self-worth. 

I'm left to wonder - if he gets angry when I ask not to live in limbo - and has either option open to him without fault - what does he expect me to do? 

Pointless drivel

I'm an optimist at heart.  It doesn't suit my life, but I've not managed to squelch my true self.

I've found over time though that being an optimist opens me up to being disappointed more often than not.  Being a pessimist would be ideal on a completely theoretical level - you'd have the unexpected "wow" when life is kind.  Still it's not me and clearly not who I'm meant to be.

I'm an emotional person as well.  I wouldn't change it, joy, love, contentment they are all wonderful emotions that I would never feel if I was just cold and didn't feel anything.  Still, I find that many people do not like me to show my emotions unless they are the happy-go-lucky, life good sort of emotions.

Right now, I'd not say life is good.  I have wonderful children for the most part.  Some should be grown and independent, others are just about there and one is just coming out of babyhood and the sunshine of life.  For the grown children - I love them just as they are... even when they make decisions that I don't agree with.  Mostly because that's what I taught them to do.  I wanted them to find out who they are and be that person rather than who anyone else (including me) thought they should be. They've lived up to just that.  They are all independent thinkers if not independent people. That aspect alone is good even when it brings confusion or frustration.  It's welcome because I willed it to be.

I'm at the same crossroad I've been at for nearly eight months.  It shows no sign of being clearer or kinder.  I've always had the option to move on alone, but if I wanted to share this journey with someone I've got to wait... but I'm not necessarily waiting for them to join me.  I'm waiting for them to decide if they even want to travel this path with me at all. Ever the fool am I.

I don't want to stand looking at the closed door so long that I fail to see the one that is open until it too closes.  I don't want to close a door that leads to what I truly want...

So I wait and I wonder and then I wait so more.  I worry that I'm wasting precious time waiting when I should be living... but it doesn't stop me from waiting or spur me to action... it's just a worry that eats at my soul.  Maybe if I was stronger I'd just choose a path and if no one follows, then it will be as it's meant to be.  Maybe if I wasn't so strong, I'd have done that in the spring to spare myself the agony of the months past.

I'll never be the damsel in distress. My childhood taught me to survive.  I'll never be cold as ice. It's just not my nature.  So maybe I'm just too strong to give anyone the desire to protect me from pain and too weak to protect myself. 

Ever the conundrum... that would be me.

As 2010 draws closer to an end... I need draw up what strength I have to face the year to come...  I have to do it for my kids if not myself. They have lived to long in the shadow of my life's failures.

Come what may...

The beauty is... no one ever asks me

and thus no one ever knows...


What do I think...  hmmm  what am  I allowed to say?   Not much that doesn't get me yelled at. 

How do you feel about...  and who would listen?   and those who claim to listen, do you really care about how "I" feel or do you just want to measure against what you would feel?

My opinions, thoughts and feelings... irrelevant.  Don't believe me,  walk a day in my shoes.   It's all too true, all to pointless. 


and at the end of the day...

I don't know why I bother, except that I am driven to keep trying and driven to do the best by my kids.  Whatever it takes.

That is who I am.