Wouldn't you know...

If it's my  news.. it's the deepest, darkest, bad secret in the world.

I'm still supposed to be keeping my job change a secret.  My current team won't know until tomorrow maybe... or we could just keep putting it off.   I'm not supposed to talk about it like it's a promotion.  I should keep that low key so my team mates aren't upset.   Okay, so keep it low key.  Got it.  I'll pretend I just got transferred to work in the salt mines of Siberia - that work for ya?  But hey, I can keep it even lower key.  Let's just not tell anyone.  Yeah.. that the ticket!

and then I'm asked aren't you excited???  I'd be over the moon!

Well... let me check that.  I'm supposed to be excited, keep it a secret, and downplay that it's a promotion.

Yep, sucked all the joy out of that news.

Like my life these days is just so filled with joyous news that I want to share.

Nope, not so much.

I'm changing jobs...

It's on the one hand a HUGE change...  and on the other...  I'm still working for the same company.

I'll move my desk to a different building two miles closer to home, and I'll leave the division where I've worked for the last 7 years...  I've worked in various areas of the great wally world...  now I'm embarking on yet a new adventure.

I'm nervous and thrilled at the same time.

I'll not carry a pager and spend a week every other month surviving on half an hour of sleep. No more day pager slowness call hostage situation.  I'll walk away from "systems programmer" and become a project manager.

I know little about my new area beyond the idea that I'll facilitate meetings, I'll understand the lingo of both my old division and my new customer area. I'll make things happen...  I'll bring my A-game and I'll give it my all. 

I'm holding onto the thinnest strand of hope...

and I don't want to let go. 

It hurts more than anything though.  If I just let go, will the pain lessen?  If I hold on will it ever be whole? 


Am I destined to live in the shadow of a life? 



Did I forget that the minute you settle for less than you deserve... you'll have less than you settled for?  Or maybe I just thought I deserve more that I really do. 

When you spend 14 hours of your weekend

catering a wedding you weren't even invited to... there must be more to the story.

And there is.

I spent the day before working on the same wedding too. (only about 5 hours)

Sadly, I don't think the story dictates the ending. Instead, I'm pretty sure the ending is just illustrates that I want the world to work out better for others than it has for me. Nolie tried to make my wedding nice for me, so I worked my tush off to make her sister's wedding wonderful for everyone else. (even the people who wanted me to fall off the face of the earth)

On the other hand, with three days notice I can not only move a family of four almost three hundred miles, but apparently I can cater a wedding. Tired though I was when it was over... even depressed beyond words... I was at least proud of the effort I put into making it a good day for Julie.

One day, could someone tell me I did okay? Otherwise I'm pretty sure, I was the best awful wedding coordinator/caterer that ever existed.... un-contracted or otherwise. And yet I gave it my best and I was for a moment sure... it was even better than my own wedding reception...

At least it was love filled from the word go.... would that love filled the world for a moment longer and I could just revel in it....

I want her to be happy and loved forever.... but truthfully, I'd like to be happy and loved forever too.... I'm just more hopeful for her than me. Life is just never that kind to me when it comes to marriage...

I have wonderful children who I love and sometimes love me back so I should not complain, I"m luckier than others... and feel guilty daily for it.

did anyone ever notice I'm a strange mix between gratitude and guilt.... if I ever make it out on my own.... I should have a company called GtoG and never tell anyone it doesn't mean goood to go... but instead... guilt to gratitude and see what works out.




./sigh

Surgery done

I do so like the doctor who put in Zachary's tubes. He was gentle and kind and patient, answered my questions and made sure I felt comfortable before they took the little guy back.

Honestly, I don't know enough about how it's done elsewhere, but the part where they don't intubate, they don't put in an iv, but just use a small mask with anesthesia and he woke up within minutes of them taking it off, made it more bearable.

Years ago, the same doctor removed a benign vascular hemangioma from the back of Emily's head and he was just as wonderful then. They did have to intubate back then for that and it was three hours before I got my 11 month old back. I forgot how much fear there is when you hand over your child and put your trust in in medicine. When you chose the best doctors you can though, it's less frightening.

Rather than being cranky as was expected... he's just been bouncing off the walls...

Tomorrow... Next week.

Tomorrow they will put tubes in Zachary's ears. Then maybe I'll be able to go to work next week. Or I hope to. More importantly - Zachy will feel better, not be sick for once in three months and I won't worry so much about his hearing and speech.

One week from Saturday I'll graduate from John Brown University. It's taken me very nearly twenty years, three colleges and I'm just now getting my bachelors degree. I'm not graduating with honors like my associate's degree, but still it's an accomplishment I've worked hard to earn. I think all the kids will make it this time, but I'm getting the impression, that's all that will besides Matthew. This time next year I'll be there for his graduation too. (and he will graduate with honors or at the very least "distinction") He will likely graduate with his sister and brother-in-law and that means his family will all make it. I'm more proud of him than me anyway so it's good.

It's nearly the 15th of December again... I need to get a wreath for my mother's grave and take the baby to set it out. He doesn't need to understand where we are going or anything - just so she will know I brought her grandbaby to see her and even though it's not like taking him to see his other grandmas... she's still his grandma.

Maybe tomorrow I'll get a pic up of our tree and a new Zachary shot, maybe if he lets me. It's a crazy life home with him and trying to keep up with work and all the things I just can't let slide.

15 years....

I am a motherless child...

for fifteen years...

that is what Christamas means...

I am a motherless child.

there is nothing less or more to say.

It is what I am.


I miss her. She that never really loved me...

I miss her.

Please forgive me.

I miss my mother.

Not who she was, but who she was supoosed to be and the one who loved my kids before she left.


Love is all that is left and I miss her so.