I've been afraid... frozen in time since November 30th 2008...
I tried to be stronger than the fear for Christmas Eve and managed I guess. We were able to spend our usual holiday time with Nolie. Since then however - I can't seem to find my way.
I have Zachary, and Emily, and Calvin, and Sebastian, and Bryan. I've been blessed - more times over than I deserve. There were three miscarriage interspersed that I'll never forget but in the end - more on the side of luck and love.
This is all to explain... When the dearest, most amazing friend I've ever known lost her son, the day he was born at 20 weeks - fear set in and then guilt.
Fear that I would only cause her pain to bring my newborn, fifth child, beautiful son around in the midst of her grief... fear that it would add to the heartache for me to seemingly flaunt my fertility when she'd waited 16 years for a miracle... fear that if I stayed away, I'd lose a friendship that has been a sustaining rock in my life.
Then there's the guilt. I dare not complain about sleepless nights, when she'd give anything to have such simple worries. How can I feel overwhelmed - when I'm blessed so. How dare I feel like there's not enough hours in the the day...
So now I'm frozen... afraid I'm letting too much time pass, too much distance grow... afraid it's already too late.
Just ten days ago was baby E's due date.
I still cry when I think of him.
I miss Nolie.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Mission Statement
Early this month I was in a training class at work based on Steven Covey's 7 Habits. As a part of the class follow up I was supposed to write a personal mission statement. I jotted down my '1st draft' while in class and went back today to try to write the 'final version'.
The draft version -
My mission is to be myself, to always give my best, to believe in people, to hold on to hope, to let go of heartache, and to look back... with no regrets
It's been the requisite 21 days and I'm also supposed to assess my progress... I wonder if I just embrace my draft, is that progress or laziness?
The draft version -
My mission is to be myself, to always give my best, to believe in people, to hold on to hope, to let go of heartache, and to look back... with no regrets
It's been the requisite 21 days and I'm also supposed to assess my progress... I wonder if I just embrace my draft, is that progress or laziness?
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
One Day...
I will find the time to finish a blog post. I keep starting them and life happens.
Right now it's homework, last week it was doctor's appointments and biopsies, the week before it was an ice storm... in between of course is more homework, laundry, dishes, munchkins... life.
Right now it's homework, last week it was doctor's appointments and biopsies, the week before it was an ice storm... in between of course is more homework, laundry, dishes, munchkins... life.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The next day...
One day I'm grateful for the knowledge that my father doesn't have lung cancer.... and the next day....
He's got a tumor after all, just not where they expected. His colon. Is a colon tumor ever not cancer? I have so much to learn now.
I'm in a managerial accounting class that cannot compete with the racing thoughts. I'd by chance gotten my dad's call on our evening break.
It's been 14 years since my mother died of ovarian cancer that metastasized in her liver. She'd battled cancer for 12 years. Ten days before Christmas 1994 she lost that battle.
Just this past Monday would have been their 49th wedding anniversary.
I am fearful that we will again travel the path of doctors, surgeries, treatments that border on torture and holding onto hope till they take it all away.
/please let this class end so I can go home to my children, my safe haven, my husband, if only for the night...
He's got a tumor after all, just not where they expected. His colon. Is a colon tumor ever not cancer? I have so much to learn now.
I'm in a managerial accounting class that cannot compete with the racing thoughts. I'd by chance gotten my dad's call on our evening break.
It's been 14 years since my mother died of ovarian cancer that metastasized in her liver. She'd battled cancer for 12 years. Ten days before Christmas 1994 she lost that battle.
Just this past Monday would have been their 49th wedding anniversary.
I am fearful that we will again travel the path of doctors, surgeries, treatments that border on torture and holding onto hope till they take it all away.
/please let this class end so I can go home to my children, my safe haven, my husband, if only for the night...
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
January is passing quickly
And it's been a busy month. It's a historical one as well, but I'll focus on the personal for now.
I'm back to work, just finished my Project Management class this past week and the little man is in mid growth spurt.
There's good news on my Dad. We had a bit of a scare where his doctor sent him to an oncology group to figure out a spot on his lung. It's merely a pneumonia scar from 1965 or so and it's such a relief that is was something not to worry about. It started out as bronchitis which was bad enough but when she looked at the x-ray... well it's all okay now. Whew!
College life... there's just not enough time but I can't postpone it so I just have to manage my time better. I'm done in July, walk in December, if I can just get through these last few classes with some dignity.
I need sleep...
Zach is getting closer to sleeping through the night, but he's still not there. He's eating like there is no tomorrow lately. He's grown so much since he was born. He is a smiley little man when he's just been fed. I've got to find time to get more pictures of him. He's three months old now and he's lost the newborn look.
The rest of the munchkins are enjoying their second short week at school and doing well.
History... oh wow! Today was indeed a huge day in history. I can't really put it into word right now, but suffice to say, I feel hope in our new president... so much hope.
I'm back to work, just finished my Project Management class this past week and the little man is in mid growth spurt.
There's good news on my Dad. We had a bit of a scare where his doctor sent him to an oncology group to figure out a spot on his lung. It's merely a pneumonia scar from 1965 or so and it's such a relief that is was something not to worry about. It started out as bronchitis which was bad enough but when she looked at the x-ray... well it's all okay now. Whew!
College life... there's just not enough time but I can't postpone it so I just have to manage my time better. I'm done in July, walk in December, if I can just get through these last few classes with some dignity.
I need sleep...
Zach is getting closer to sleeping through the night, but he's still not there. He's eating like there is no tomorrow lately. He's grown so much since he was born. He is a smiley little man when he's just been fed. I've got to find time to get more pictures of him. He's three months old now and he's lost the newborn look.
The rest of the munchkins are enjoying their second short week at school and doing well.
History... oh wow! Today was indeed a huge day in history. I can't really put it into word right now, but suffice to say, I feel hope in our new president... so much hope.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Looking Back on 2008
What a year.
Once again it was filled with love and loss, joy and tears, life... New beginnings, unexpected endings and questions for which there are no answers...
Early on I was planning our wedding and then before we knew it planning Zach's nursery. Both wonderful blessings.
The wedding was not perfect but there were so many facets that are treasured memories. Getting to meet Jason, having Nolie there and my munchkins so supportive - those are moments that to this day bring me joy just thinking about them.
The hotel coordinator who worked with me on the wedding reception will always hold a place in my heart. She was part wedding planner and part counselor and awesome at both. At the time she and her type 1 husband were expecting their first child. Once I explained out sugar-free cheesecake plan she opened up and was blunt about what it was like living with a type 1 and the risks she knew her child would face. Her willingness take those chances were a welcome surprise as I knew I would be taking the same ones.
I've come to terms with the snafu at the chapel doors, the ridiculous pre-wedding behavior by persons who need not be named... only a bit of it still bugs me if I think about it. I want to remember only enough of the not so good bits that I behave appropriately if ever a time comes that I'm in a similar position with my children.
The issues with my pregnancy seem so simple now. We were blessed with a beautiful healthy baby boy. Briefly we had hopes Zach would have a cousin of sorts to grow up with. Heartbreakingly however, Nolie's son was born too early and left this world after just a few hours. I still cannot think of him without tears. The most amazing person I've ever known... who waited 16 years for her little one and now must go on with only his memory. I've asked why too many times and I know that if there is a rhyme or reason, I don't know what it is. Some would say it's all part of a grand plan the almighty has and others would call it fate or the roll of the dice. I don't know. Life's not fair, sure, I think we get that. Love lives on - so true. Does that kind of heartache ever heal though, I'm not too sure.
There was sobering brush with mortality just with Karen before Nolie told everyone about the baby. If ever the connection between your heart and diabetes was illustrated... It makes me twice as grateful for a great Endocrinologist who watches over us.
Matthew's best man and college room mate, Jason got engaged... so now there's a wonderful woman out there that we will one day meet, who will walk beside him. It appeals tomy sense of romance the way he mentioned her in passing, then again, and finally, it was just a matter of time.
Our holidays were a bit emotional this year. Not what we expected on some fronts and just depressing on others. How 2009 will play out from that, remains to be seen. I want to be hopeful that there will be peace in time.
Once again it was filled with love and loss, joy and tears, life... New beginnings, unexpected endings and questions for which there are no answers...
Early on I was planning our wedding and then before we knew it planning Zach's nursery. Both wonderful blessings.
The wedding was not perfect but there were so many facets that are treasured memories. Getting to meet Jason, having Nolie there and my munchkins so supportive - those are moments that to this day bring me joy just thinking about them.
The hotel coordinator who worked with me on the wedding reception will always hold a place in my heart. She was part wedding planner and part counselor and awesome at both. At the time she and her type 1 husband were expecting their first child. Once I explained out sugar-free cheesecake plan she opened up and was blunt about what it was like living with a type 1 and the risks she knew her child would face. Her willingness take those chances were a welcome surprise as I knew I would be taking the same ones.
I've come to terms with the snafu at the chapel doors, the ridiculous pre-wedding behavior by persons who need not be named... only a bit of it still bugs me if I think about it. I want to remember only enough of the not so good bits that I behave appropriately if ever a time comes that I'm in a similar position with my children.
The issues with my pregnancy seem so simple now. We were blessed with a beautiful healthy baby boy. Briefly we had hopes Zach would have a cousin of sorts to grow up with. Heartbreakingly however, Nolie's son was born too early and left this world after just a few hours. I still cannot think of him without tears. The most amazing person I've ever known... who waited 16 years for her little one and now must go on with only his memory. I've asked why too many times and I know that if there is a rhyme or reason, I don't know what it is. Some would say it's all part of a grand plan the almighty has and others would call it fate or the roll of the dice. I don't know. Life's not fair, sure, I think we get that. Love lives on - so true. Does that kind of heartache ever heal though, I'm not too sure.
There was sobering brush with mortality just with Karen before Nolie told everyone about the baby. If ever the connection between your heart and diabetes was illustrated... It makes me twice as grateful for a great Endocrinologist who watches over us.
Matthew's best man and college room mate, Jason got engaged... so now there's a wonderful woman out there that we will one day meet, who will walk beside him. It appeals tomy sense of romance the way he mentioned her in passing, then again, and finally, it was just a matter of time.
Our holidays were a bit emotional this year. Not what we expected on some fronts and just depressing on others. How 2009 will play out from that, remains to be seen. I want to be hopeful that there will be peace in time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)