Echoes

My mind is filled with the echoes of conversations from 2016.  Some make me smile while others take my breath away.  As I sit with my memories of a year past and seek wisdom for the year ahead - those echoes are memories I will choose to carry forward or leave behind.

The year started alone and it appears it will end in solitude as well.  Not for a complete lack of wonderful people in my life, though there are just a few I've let in... rather because the New Year will begin on a Sunday and the timing is what it is.  I know that the most important people in my life are but a text message away, sans one very special little one who is not quite old enough for a phone.  

It's been a year of changes as all years are I suppose.  

For all my musings on the internet, in the physical world, I'm a very private person who could be a poster child for introverts.  I have built many walls in my life and very few bridges.   One bridge I've had to make the conscious decision to close.  It hasn't been due to a falling out or anything terrible really.  I just reassessed the level of negativity in my life and realized that a bit of space is necessary. I need to surround myself  joy and let anything less drift away.  

Don't get me wrong, this blog reveals quite well a tale of ups and downs.  If all you celebrate are the downs and you never take time to embrace the ups - that's when it achieves a level of negativity that darkens the joy around you.  If I began the year lighting a penny candle, it seems foolish to let a cold draft threaten that tender flame of hope.  

I still have the same job as the last six years and yet it is so very different with two building moves and a reorganization.  The team has gained and lost many people and I'm still getting to know the new ones.   One team member has been a special addition to my life.  She is funny and kind and reminds me that I must take time for me so that I can be happy.  Others are friendly enough and on the good days I talk more at work that I usually do... I let people in just a bit.  It's a door in the walls that leads to a small sitting room of sorts... (metaphors are ever "me").  

No weddings or funerals again this year. There is a new munchkin in the family...  Baby E was born in September and his parents while young, appear to have what it takes to do well by him. He is a joy! 

I keep in touch with a few dear family/friends who when sadness or joy need a hug or a hooray and I am forever grateful.  If I ever make it back to Denver or DFW - they will be treasures to meet up with for coffee or dinner.  Some are more complicated than others.  

I've no words for many things it the bigger world...  this past year will not be forgotten, and and yet it needs never be re-lived.  I'm taking the good, leaving the rest, hoping for the best, prepared to survive as always, and keeping the door open for all the joy this world has to offer. 

Farewell the past year...  Bring it 2017 ! 

2015 Looking back... standing still a moment... lighting a penny candle

Not my best year...  I've said that a lot and now I'm putting it down in writing.

The year began with heartache.   It seemed to be heading towards a better place and then I found a friend was not a friend.  Then it was June.  Six months in two sentences.  The history is in the archives now.  I look back no more.

Then there was good.

Once again my life was fast approaching a dark place.  Nearly a decade since my last 'bad' year.  I again found I had a friend that I could lean on.  This time however instead of shining a light into the darkness... I was pulled into the light where darkness found no home.  There were amazing moments. I can only hope they were not once in a lifetime moments but instead will be the foundation I can reflect on as I keep moving forward. Those moments weren't profound in and of themselves. They were profound in that I embraced them.  I lived.  In each moment.  Without doubt or fear.  Just lived. I can never turn back and I will never forget the pure and simple joy of reveling in moment.  I did things that I never would have had the courage or confidence to do just months before... little less the years before.

Even the brightest light fades in time though and you have two choices - stand in the dark or move towards the light.  That light may be so small as a penny candle of age old.. and they aren't likely still just a penny.  All the same, I light that candle and watch it flicker.  The darkness remains at bay. The moment of solitude is mine to hold.  Looking back and standing still.

I'm standing still only long enough to find my bearings.  Then forward I go.  My own words keep me from standing still longer than needed.  It's a temporary state and it's okay to take time but stay here I cannot.  Forward is the only option.

The year ended...  alone once again.  Still there was unexpected news just hours before the year ended.  I tried to reach out to talk through it... it was New Years Eve though and no friends were available for the conversation.  Another day I'm sure... it's not like the news is going anywhere soon.

Today is a bright new day... yesterday's mistakes are behind me. (borrowed from my children's grade school creed).  I've made it through.  What was - is past.  What is before me - who knows.  I've survived all that has come before, so I'm pretty sure I can face what is up ahead.

Come what may - I'm here, I'm stronger, wiser, and maybe even more determined than ever.

2016 - Let's see what you bring.