I spend a lot of time just me and the li'l man... and in that time... I'm alone with my thoughts. I have come to realized I'm alone like this more than not. Besides being at work and in class most of the time of course. So I think. I don't want to think. I just can't seem to clear my head.
I've been home for spring break and it's been good all things considered. I cooked a whole lot, all the kid's favorites. Had all five of them home for dinner one night too. I love time with my munchkins.
I have to go back to work tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. Too much stress there right now. Nothing I can write about... nothing I want to write about for that matter.
I'm working the three to five year plan. I will finish grad school this time. I'm less sure what then next strategy is after that. I was supposed to know more just a few weeks ago. The day passed and when asked, it wasn't open for any discussion. No decisions. Just pretend it's all good and don't speak of it. I'm not good at that. Or rather, I'm learning to not speak of it and the silence allows others to believe it's all good - but in the silence it feels as if I'm fading away from myself. Not living in the moment, but instead watching my life happen as if I were no more than an onlooker. To the onlooker I'm doing a darn fine job of pretending it's all good and I'm certainly not speaking of what aches in my heart.
They always say if you want life to be different - make it different. That's so easy to say. Beyond me how you really put it into action right now.
