I don't know how big is enough, but something needs to change.
I'm starting back to grad school in just four weeks. That's a change, but not what I'm thinking is going to be enough to calm what I feel.
It's like I've lived the last two years in limbo and I'm not dead yet.
I'm not dead.
I'm just not living in the moment I'm in.
I don't want to keep living like life is yet to come.
Life is here and now. I'm here and now. I need to feel in this moment like I've got some value and maybe I'm the only person who thinks I've got value, but that's one more person that believed in me for the last two years.
I have the courage of my convictions. I keep promises even when the people I've made those promises to don't keep theirs. My children are everything to me. They will always be everything to me.
People are everything to me.
I don't expect or even want perfection. I want honesty. I don't expect it. I hope for it. Sometimes I get it, often I don't. But I still believe in people.
I do a lot of forgiving, maybe too much forgetting, and maybe not near enough. So I've got to just keep believing that as I am is good enough for something if not someone.
One day, I will look back and this will all makes sense... maybe not the external why, but for all that is holy - one day I need to know the internal why.
