I know its mostly that I've done all that I can for as long as I fee able...
Letting go or holding on... I'm prepared to live with either option now. The difficulty is that I won't let go if there's something to hold on to and I don't want to keep holding on if there isn't.
Why don't I know which is true? I suspect that it's the latter but hope for the former and need to know how the other person in this feels.
Sadly though I'm talking to the internet. There are no answers to life's questions out here. Only a vast open forum to express the thoughts that consume me. At least I'm aware of that much. I can 'google' the specs on a car, the price of any number of widgets, volumes of useless trivia on so called people of interest, but there's no wikipedia entry on which path to choose or what's in another persons head.
I've been on my own more in my life that not, but committed to someone else more than not all the same. (ever the conundrum... yeah... that's me).
I refuse to be defined by negative space. I've spent many hours, days, weeks, months, years defining myself so that when I look in the mirror I not only recognize the face looking back but also respect the person I see.
It's easy to say what something isn't I'm not young, tall, breathtakingly beautiful, not too old just yet, or hideous... I'm not cold and bitter... I don't remember being innocently naive... my life just wasn't conducive for that..
So on the surface I'm just as tall as when I stopped growing, I'm about as old as anyone else born when I was, I'm starting to look my age for that matter... I'm tired. I'm still cautiously optimistic, determined, hard working, willing to compromise, not interested in being a door mat (wait that's negative space.... damn) anyway I'm me. Just me. Ever the fool, or ever hopeful, or just too stupid to read the writing on the wall. Ah but that leads to the introspective thoughts that devour my soul.
When I uncover aspects of my personality that I didn't love, like, or respect - I set out on yet another journey to change. I like to think I'm who I want to be now. I know I'm flawed... some aspects just need a time place to be okay, others need monitored and controlled. I clean when I'm stressed... inside and out... See it's not an option to 'think' I am who I want to be... I need to be, to know and to be satisfied with me.
Right now I look in the mirror and I see that I've got some work to do. I need to find peace and calm. I need to find out who I've become lately... mostly because I keep seeing the shadow of who I used to be and and it's all too clear it's a shadow and not a reflection. So who am I now and is she strong enough to get through this? (gonna have to be cause I'm not done raising my kids).
God help me this I've got to stop marking time and live my life. I'm pretty sure where I am is not what I want my kids to remember when I'm gone.
