It just might be time for a change...

I don't know how big is enough, but something needs to change. 

I'm starting back to grad school in just four weeks.  That's a change, but not what I'm thinking is going to be enough to calm what I feel. 

It's like I've lived the last two years in limbo and I'm not dead yet. 

I'm not dead.

I'm just not living in the moment I'm in. 

I don't want to keep living like life is yet to come.

Life is here and now.  I'm here and now.  I need to feel in this moment like I've got some value and maybe I'm the only person who thinks I've got value, but that's one more person that believed in me for the last two years.

I have the courage of my convictions.  I keep promises even when the people I've made those promises to don't keep theirs. My children are everything to me.  They will always be everything to me. 

People are everything to me. 

I don't expect or even want perfection.  I want honesty.  I don't expect it.  I hope for it.  Sometimes I get it, often I don't. But I still believe in people. 

I do a lot of forgiving, maybe too much forgetting, and maybe not near enough. So I've got to just keep believing that as I am is good enough for something if not someone. 

One day, I will look back and this will all makes sense... maybe not the external why, but for all that is holy - one day I need to know the internal why. 

Too much, not enough...

This thought could go several different ways.  I have too much to accomplish and not near enough time to get it all done. 

Work...  yada yada (it's just not worth the effort to pour it all out)

Home...  Calvin's graduation is a month away.  I would not say we are remotely prepared.  Mostly due to work getting in the way, but not entirely.  I need to find time to get the last of the paperwork to the University so he can be officially accepted.  Then there's the whole find him a car... license... insurance.  Oh yeah and getting him to the rehearsal, not letting others get me down. 

Then there's the whole relationship thing...  too much hurt, not enough hope.

Then there's me.  Too much everyone else, no time, thought, effort, etc for me.

Not even enough time for this blog....

Maybe later...

Would that I could calm the thoughts in my head

I know its mostly that I've done all that I can for as long as I fee able...

Letting go or holding on...  I'm prepared to live with either option now.  The difficulty is that I won't let go if there's something to hold on to and I don't want to keep holding on if there isn't. 

Why don't I know which is true?  I suspect that it's the latter but hope for the former and need to know how the other person in this feels. 

Sadly though I'm talking to the internet.  There are no answers to life's questions out here.  Only a vast open forum to express the thoughts that consume me. At least I'm aware of that much.  I can 'google' the specs on a car, the price of any number of widgets, volumes of useless trivia on so called people of interest, but there's no wikipedia entry on which path to choose or what's in another persons head.

I've been on my own more in my life that not, but committed to someone else more than not all the same.  (ever the conundrum...  yeah... that's me).

I refuse to be defined by negative space.  I've spent many hours, days, weeks, months, years defining myself so that when I look in the mirror I not only recognize the face looking back but also respect the person I see. 

It's easy to say what something isn't  I'm not young, tall, breathtakingly beautiful, not too old just yet, or hideous...  I'm not cold and bitter... I don't remember being innocently naive... my life just wasn't conducive for that..

So on the surface I'm just as tall as when I stopped growing, I'm about as old as anyone else born when I was, I'm starting to look my age for that matter...  I'm tired.  I'm still cautiously optimistic, determined, hard working, willing to compromise, not interested in being a door mat (wait that's negative space.... damn) anyway  I'm me.  Just me.  Ever the fool, or ever hopeful, or just too stupid to read the writing on the wall.  Ah but that leads to the introspective thoughts that devour my soul.

When I uncover aspects of my personality that I didn't love, like, or respect - I set out on yet another journey to change.  I like to think I'm who I want to be now.  I know I'm flawed...  some aspects just need a time place to be okay, others need monitored and controlled.  I clean when I'm stressed...  inside and out... See it's not an option to 'think' I am who I want to be... I need to be, to know and to be satisfied with me.

Right now I look in the mirror and I see that I've got some work to do.  I need to find peace and calm.  I need to find out who I've become lately... mostly because I keep seeing the shadow of who I used to be and and it's all too clear it's a shadow and not a reflection.  So who am I now and is she strong enough to get through this?  (gonna have to be cause I'm not done raising my kids). 

God help me this I've got to stop marking time and live my life.  I'm pretty sure where I am is not what I want my kids to remember when I'm gone.