2011

Looking back and standing still... looking forward and what should be filled hope is rather just filled with...  a feeling I'm still trying to define.

I'm not afraid of the year to come.  I could laugh and say it's the end of the world as we know it...  the dawn of the galactic equinox...  or just 2012...  I don't know.  It's another year in a life that never seems to make much sense. 

Still, I use the last day of each year to take stock of my life and figure out what lessons I should have learned.

2011 began with an aching heart... it appears to be ending the same way.  I'd wanted to greet the new year with love and hope... it wasn't to be though and I watched the clock turn alone. I don't know what I'll be doing at midnight this year.

Looking back...

I managed to survive a rough year at work, got promoted even (that was a huge ugly secret though so eh, whatever).  I gave my all and I'm not foolish enough to believe it really matters in the big scheme of things.   I earned a pay check, paid my bills, didn't sleep near enough and have learned to smile brightly when people make fun of my work ethic.  Call me a fool if you like...  *bright smile*

I turned forty in 2011 too... no big to do about it, bought my own gift, nibbled on a cake but since I was on a mission to lose the weight I gained pregnant with Zachy...  it was only a nibble.  I lost all the baby weight anyway.  Not everyone gets a party for their birthday and well... I've had worse, right? Still breathing in and out, no excuse to complain.

Over the summer learned to ride a bike.  Logged somewhere in the neighborhood of 500 miles too.  Loved it, miss it, spring will be here soon and I'll be back out there, helmet in place.

If fitbit can be trusted, I walked over a thousand miles this past year... that's all the way home to Denver... Ran a few miles too.  Bought my first pair of running shoes even.  One of them is missing right now, if I feel like being honest.  Perhaps I should find it by day's end as it was a sobering experience to spend that much on a pair of shoes. 

I drove to Texas twice... once to see my niece and nephew graduate from high school and then two months later to retrieve Calvin who spend the rest of summer with his newly graduated cousins. He turned 18 just days before he left and missed my birthday while he was gone...All good there though. He had a good summer.

Wished Todd and Neil well as they moved to San Francisco together. Got to see a few old friends that I've not seen much since 2006 at their going away party. 

I bought a new car. (double the gas mileage of the jeep, half the interior space, but I'm still thinking it was a good idea).  She's two months mine tomorrow. 

I got to go to Thanksgiving and Christmas at the in-laws and that was nice.  Probably more delusion on my part than reality...  hurts to imagine I only get to pretend to be someone's wife for holidays.  I'm married all the time and darned honest about it... but the experience of sitting by my husband at a family dinner... twice in a year and not once the year before.  Forward progress or foolish notion... I just don't know.

The kids are all healthy and two are gainfully employed, tax paying citizens...  Calvin is a senior in high school, Emily is a sophomore... Zachy is Zachy. I'm well aware how lucky I am to have my kids.  They are my true life's work. 

I've not attended a funeral this year or wedding... I think the world is still going round out there though it doesn't take much notice of me. 

Now...  it's the last day of 2011...  my mission decided in the writing of this... is to find a shoe...

there's go to be more to life...

We shall see what 2012 has in store for me.  Hope for the best and pray for all that is not.

Holidays/Birthdays

I don't much like holidays anymore.  The always seem to end in the overwhelming feeling of loneliness.

I try to make all Matthew's and the kid's  favorites, I hope for happy times... and somehow in two hours, sometimes less, it's over and the kids and I are alone again.

I've always just wanted a 'normal' life.

Want in one hand...  look at what you've got in the other...  yeah.

Zachy is growing, Emily turned 15 today, Seb and Calvin's birthdays are coming up in the next couple weeks.  It should be happy times.  I need to make them happy days. 

I've had one great birthday in all my life and that was 4 years ago.  Last year's was lousy, and stil I've had worse. (loosing a grandparent on my 13th, loosing so much more on my 8th...)  I dare not hope for a good one.  Perhaps when it's over however I can breathe again.

And so it goes...

Well Christmas and New Years have passed...life carries on.

I am at the same crossroads as before... and for the moment, I don't know if I should take one path or the other but standing here is getting me no where. Then again, I realize there is only one path I can 'choose' otherwise I'm just standing here waiting to see if the crossing guard will ever lift on the other path.

Things are quieter, but not better. 

I'm just single parenting three these days. I don't expect that to change any time soon if ever.  The question remains, what am I holding on to and why?

If I look around everyone else has moved on.  I'm re-learning to cook smaller meals, keep up with everything somewhat, and if it breaks, I know it's up to me to figure out how to fix it. 

Ever hopeful, but probably more just a fool am I.