Surgery done

I do so like the doctor who put in Zachary's tubes. He was gentle and kind and patient, answered my questions and made sure I felt comfortable before they took the little guy back.

Honestly, I don't know enough about how it's done elsewhere, but the part where they don't intubate, they don't put in an iv, but just use a small mask with anesthesia and he woke up within minutes of them taking it off, made it more bearable.

Years ago, the same doctor removed a benign vascular hemangioma from the back of Emily's head and he was just as wonderful then. They did have to intubate back then for that and it was three hours before I got my 11 month old back. I forgot how much fear there is when you hand over your child and put your trust in in medicine. When you chose the best doctors you can though, it's less frightening.

Rather than being cranky as was expected... he's just been bouncing off the walls...

Tomorrow... Next week.

Tomorrow they will put tubes in Zachary's ears. Then maybe I'll be able to go to work next week. Or I hope to. More importantly - Zachy will feel better, not be sick for once in three months and I won't worry so much about his hearing and speech.

One week from Saturday I'll graduate from John Brown University. It's taken me very nearly twenty years, three colleges and I'm just now getting my bachelors degree. I'm not graduating with honors like my associate's degree, but still it's an accomplishment I've worked hard to earn. I think all the kids will make it this time, but I'm getting the impression, that's all that will besides Matthew. This time next year I'll be there for his graduation too. (and he will graduate with honors or at the very least "distinction") He will likely graduate with his sister and brother-in-law and that means his family will all make it. I'm more proud of him than me anyway so it's good.

It's nearly the 15th of December again... I need to get a wreath for my mother's grave and take the baby to set it out. He doesn't need to understand where we are going or anything - just so she will know I brought her grandbaby to see her and even though it's not like taking him to see his other grandmas... she's still his grandma.

Maybe tomorrow I'll get a pic up of our tree and a new Zachary shot, maybe if he lets me. It's a crazy life home with him and trying to keep up with work and all the things I just can't let slide.

15 years....

I am a motherless child...

for fifteen years...

that is what Christamas means...

I am a motherless child.

there is nothing less or more to say.

It is what I am.


I miss her. She that never really loved me...

I miss her.

Please forgive me.

I miss my mother.

Not who she was, but who she was supoosed to be and the one who loved my kids before she left.


Love is all that is left and I miss her so.