I've been afraid... frozen in time since November 30th 2008...
I tried to be stronger than the fear for Christmas Eve and managed I guess. We were able to spend our usual holiday time with Nolie. Since then however - I can't seem to find my way.
I have Zachary, and Emily, and Calvin, and Sebastian, and Bryan. I've been blessed - more times over than I deserve. There were three miscarriage interspersed that I'll never forget but in the end - more on the side of luck and love.
This is all to explain... When the dearest, most amazing friend I've ever known lost her son, the day he was born at 20 weeks - fear set in and then guilt.
Fear that I would only cause her pain to bring my newborn, fifth child, beautiful son around in the midst of her grief... fear that it would add to the heartache for me to seemingly flaunt my fertility when she'd waited 16 years for a miracle... fear that if I stayed away, I'd lose a friendship that has been a sustaining rock in my life.
Then there's the guilt. I dare not complain about sleepless nights, when she'd give anything to have such simple worries. How can I feel overwhelmed - when I'm blessed so. How dare I feel like there's not enough hours in the the day...
So now I'm frozen... afraid I'm letting too much time pass, too much distance grow... afraid it's already too late.
Just ten days ago was baby E's due date.
I still cry when I think of him.
I miss Nolie.
